webshit weekly
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the third week of July, 2018.
Keeping a plaintext “did” file
July 15, 2018
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A webshit overcomplicates text files. Hackernews is more interested in the idea of keeping a Nixonian enemies list, but is willing to discuss all the ways they like to overcomplicate text files too. One Hackernews thinks maybe just text files could work, but emergency services rush to the scene to distribute massive editor-specific programs to use instead.
Prime Down: Amazon’s sale day turns into fail day
July 16, 2018
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Amazon Web Services offers reliable, scalable, and inexpensive cloud computing services. Hackernews bastes itself in schadenfreude while assuring each other that they know exactly what broke Amazon's webshit. Since half of Hackernews either works for or was recently fired from Amazon Web Services, every conflicting missive is backed up by declarations of personal involvement. Amazon's webshit remains down for hours, since all the people who are paid to fix it are busy telling each other they're wrong on "Hacker" "News."
Assembly Language for Beginners [pdf]
July 17, 2018
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An Internet makes a PDF about low-level computer programming. An elder Hackernews ruminates on the past, which distracts other Hackernews into wondering how a computer which barely had enough memory to store the manpage for npm-config(7) could even start.
European Commission fines Google €4.34B in Android antitrust case
July 18, 2018
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The European Union declares war on the State of California. Hackernews rushes to bodily insert themselves between the oncoming fines, hoping to deflect the impact by shouting "what about Microsoft" in unison. Thousands of words are posted defending the vestal purity of The Android Experience and its inseparability from human communication. Hackernews screams its fury at the skies, prophesying the death of free software, the ascendance of the East, the starvation of the Central Valley, and the crumbling of Wall Street. Nobody in Brussels notices.
Farewell, Google Maps
July 19, 2018
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Some webshits are mad that someone wants them to pay for goods and/or services. Hackernews frets over the callous nature of massive corporations, fearing that raising prices on Google Maps services will be the issue that finally tarnishes the Google brand. A lengthy argument breaks out over whether it's possible to survive without Google, why anyone would even try, and what sacrifices might be made to the Wizards in the Valley in order to curry favor and receive kindly-worded emails before the locusts are released.
The Wrong Abstraction (2016)
July 20, 2018
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A webshit is surprised by the fierce debate generated in response to an opinion about selecting abstractions. Since selecting abstractions is essentially the only skill webshits are capable of executing, the controversy is, ab extra, unsurprising. Hackernews doesn't feel qualified to invent opinions on the matter, so they dig through past shitstorms to find someone else's colors to nail to their masts.
Ecuador will hand over Julian Assange to the UK
July 21, 2018
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An Internet may soon have an opportunity to accomplish a goal. Hackernews posts the same comments, in the same order, with the same vote counts, that they post every time this topic arises. In other words, there are over two hundred comments from people who have no idea what the hell is going on but are determined to ensure everyone has sufficient access to their political opinions. No technology is discussed.