webshit weekly

An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the last week of December, 2017.

Kids in ‘Netflix Only’ Homes Saved from 230 Hours of Commercials a Year
December 22, 2017 (comments)
A website about internet video advocates internet video. Hackernews is in a huge honking hurry to declare that they do not watch television, and when they do, they hate it. Several hours are devoted to glad-handing each other about being the geniuses that elevated entertainment from idiotic noise like "Twin Peaks" and "The Wire" to the current stratospheric heights of twitch.tv and "YouTube personalities."

How I went from programming to consulting (2012)
December 23, 2017 (comments)
The Hackernews Beauty Pageant Bronze Medalist reveals the secrets to business acumen, which involve dark magic like "charging money for services rendered." The wizard arrives in person to complain that advocating spam is not considered engineering. Hackernews decides people only want to pay for goods and services when the seller is a global celebrity, such as someone who posts a lot on a nerd website.

I Got Paid $0 from the Uber Security Bug Bounty
December 24, 2017 (comments)
An Internet didn't make as much money as expected working for Uber. The plot twist is that this person wasn't driving a car. Hackernews decides this person got what was coming. Hackernews briefly considers the societal value of Uber, but immediately gets distracted trying to invent taxis from first principles.

Yew: Rust framework for making React-like client web apps
December 25, 2017 (comments)
The Rust Evangelism Strike Force attempts to compete with javascript. Hackernews is over the moon, since it gives them an excuse to post six hundred thousand immediately-abandoned github repositories under the guise of learning something. A shit fight starts over whether javascript is bad. Other shitfights start over which fake assembly language is bad.

Remove my password from lists so hackers won't be able to hack me
December 26, 2017 (comments)
An Internet makes a joke on github. Three hundred people attempt to follow suit. Hackernews misinterprets the joke about thirty different ways.

How to hack a turned-off computer, or running unsigned code in Intel ME [pdf]
December 27, 2017 (comments)
An Internet writes about a computer problem. Hackernews frets over whether the bug applies to anything they care about, then frets over whether people who aren't computer-touchers care hard enough. Every single one of them will continue to buy the products they claim to be angry about. Lots of excuses are made for such behavior.

A Message to Our Customers about iPhone Batteries and Performance
December 28, 2017 (comments)
Apple continues the war against its own users. Hackernews approves of Apple's approach to battery-life reporting, which in this case is performance art. Other Hackernews stop to wonder if maybe Apple doesn't care about them personally, but shake off the doubt and decide to wait for the next WWDC.

Call of Duty gaming community points to ‘swatting’ in Wichita police shooting
December 29, 2017 (comments)
The Wichita Police Department debuts its new startup, "Uber for Assassinations." Like Uber, their work does not even appear to be monetized. Hackernews accuses their first customer of murder, on the assumption that any interaction with a police officer will result in death. One Hackernews theorizes that there should be two kinds of cop: one with a lot of guns, and one with slightly fewer guns. Another Hackernews explicitly names SWAT while declaring this practice is impossible. The rest of Hackernews tries to construct a rudimentary ethos by trading links to news stories.

Spamnesty – A Bot to waste spammers' time
December 30, 2017 (comments)
An Internet runs a chatbot for spammers. Hackernews thinks that spending time and resources on interacting with spammers is a great idea, since spammers are well known to be people with busy schedules. Similar projects are bandied about and everybody's email bounces.

Some excerpts from recent Alan Kay emails
December 31, 2017 (comments)
An Internet posts some email. Alan Kay thinks that R&D funding is being suboptimally distributed. Hackernews agrees, but thinks it's okay since computers are nearly perfect now. One Hackernews is suspicious of people with experience.

Better luck next year.

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