FOSDEM: more boring shit (2019/01/30)

Let's take a look at my annotated copy of the FOSDEM 2019 main talk schedule, shall we?


Welcome to FOSDEM 2019
The sign-in sheet for this session doubles as a census of people nobody wants to talk to.

Can Anyone Live in Full Software Freedom Today?
Confessions of Activists Who Try But Fail to Avoid Proprietary Software

Some bureaucrats make excuses for the conference attendees' hypocrisy. In place of productive information or actual technical content, the speakers will whine about which programs nobody's writing for free. The audience will take notes on Macbooks, iPads, and other Apple products.

FLOSS, the Internet and the Future
A primordial webshit travels to a conference devoted to serving a specific copyright cult, and then holds a lecture about why the copyright cult is really important. Nobody in the room will learn anything new, and the speaker will not reach any audience not already in the cult. While this is arguably a massive failure of advocacy, it's also about on par with copyright cultists' track record to date.

Blockchain: The Ethical Considerations
Another bureaucrat speaks to a very specific confluence of misapprehensions, to wit:

  1. Any functioning human gives a shit about bitcoin,
  2. Bitcoin has any effect on human society at all,
  3. Anyone has found a valid use case for blockchain technology,
  4. Blockchain dunces are ever given any position of responsibility,
  5. Anyone cares about the ethical value judgments of a professional copyright cultist

Nobody attending the talk will have the heart to point any of this out.

The Cloud is Just Another Sun
The speaker is very angry that people are using computers in a manner that renders specific copyright licenses irrelevant. The audience will be instructed to care even harder, even though no solutions are available. The speaker works for a company whose profitability depends on a customer base who gives a shit about copyright licenses.

2019 - Fifty years of Unix and Linux advances
Jon Hall observes the 50th anniversary of the creation of UNIX, and generously includes Linux in the observance. Linux does not deserve this, and the FOSDEM audience does not deserve Jon Hall, but on the bright side this talk will ruin the "100% useless dipshittery" streak in this year's FOSDEM lineup. That's right: they can't even fuck things up correctly.

Closing FOSDEM 2019
if they'd just started with this talk we'd all be spared a lot of noise


Mattermost’s Approach to Layered Extensibility in Open Source
Why, you might ask, would "open source" layered extensibility be different from any other extensibility approach (layered or otherwise) in any other software? It would not, of course, but the CEO of the company needed a reason to fly to Brussels for the weekend, and this is as good a reason as any to write it off as a business expense. Spoiler alert: "layered extensibility" here is a code for "everything is webshit."

Matrix in the French State
What happens when a government adopts open source & open standards for all its internal communication?

it burns

DNS over HTTPS - the good, the bad and the ugly
Why, how, when and who gets to control how names are resolved

A webshit will try to convince the audience that replacing other protocols with webshit is healthy and good. "Why" will be answered with "because we want to track you more closely," "how" will be answered with "extremely poorly," "when" will be answered with "as soon as the Chrome team tells you to" and "who gets to control how names are resolved" will of course be "Google."

Netflix and FreeBSD
Using Open Source to Deliver Streaming Video

A corporate drone explains that using non-Linux operating system makes it easier to get your company's shitware committed upstream, spreading out the maintenance burden and magically converting some of your operating expenses into externalities you can ignore. Sorry, I mean "engaging with a close-knit developer community benefits your product's ROI."


PostgreSQL Goes to 11!
A database management program has not yet ceased development. The speaker will read the version control commit log for one hour.

Hugepages and databases
working with abundant memory in modern servers

A Postgres will mumble about RAM management features that everyone has been using for approximately twenty years. This talk belongs at some kind of professional database symposium, but it's happening at FOSDEM, so the audience will consist entirely of the speaker's co-workers and the people who are going to use the room next.

PostgreSQL vs. fsync
How is it possible that PostgreSQL used fsync incorrectly for 20 years, and what we'll do about it.

Another Postgres regrets to inform us that they've been fucking up basic storage primitives for at least the entirety of the 21st century, and continue to fuck them up today. This talk will comprise an extended apology, followed by a lot of excuses and whining, wrapping up with wholly unsubstantiated claims regarding future improvements. The only people who care already know.

Raft in Scylla
Consensus in an eventually consistent database

The programmer behind an also-ran database program will discuss the only interesting aspect of that program: someone else's algorithm. The program in question is a port from Java to C++ of a database management program so shitty that Facebook, who created it, almost immediately discontinued all use and development thereof and donated the software to the Office of Software Terminal Care, also known as the Apache Foundation. The speaker chooses to work on this disgraceful travesty full-time.


The TPM2 software community
Getting started as a user, becoming a contributor

Some corporate programmers are released from the mines long enough to pretend anyone cares about the things they work on. The anxiety and excitement induced by being allowed out of the cave caused them to paste the talk description into the web form twice. Nobody noticed.

Mender - an open source OTA software update manager for IoT
This talk is an hour-long sales pitch for the speaker's employer, which sells a product that other companies can use to provision TLS certificates and spyware updates to touchscreen refrigerators. In order to lure idiots into attending the sales talk, the speaker will point out that the license of the software conforms to the thematic goals of the conference.

Tesla Hacking to FreedomEV!
Bringing Freedom to electric vehicle software

This talk is from a VA Linux alum, which means the talk will almost certainly be a story about how the speaker spent way too much money on poorly-performing hardware, then made it worse by crowbarring a half-working Linux installation onto it, resulting in a very expensive disaster that works about a third of the time. This will be followed by an invitation to others to follow suit in purchasing and then ruining a hundred-thousand dollar car, leading to a brand-new interpretation of the well-worn phrase "malfunctioning Linux driver."

Go on Microcontrollers: Small Is Going Big
TinyGo takes the Go programming language to the "final frontier" where we could not go before... running directly on microcontrollers.

Some rando is excited because you can now check if err != nil on smaller processors than ever before. Like literally every other language, the entire project is just transpiling to llvm intermediate code and then letting the existing toolsets handle the rest, completely removing any advantage of using a specific programming language.


Love What You Do, Everyday!
A bureaucrat will ramble incoherently about seeking life advice from copyright law cultists.

Crostini: A Linux Desktop on ChromeOS
Some Googles will present propaganda in order to sell low-quality laptops, on the principle that they can sometimes be tricked into functioning like actual laptops. With any luck, this will give Adsense valuable insights into the behavior patterns of gullible idiots, which sounds like a pretty juicy demographic to advertise in front of.

Making the next blockbuster game with FOSS tools
Using Free Software tools to achieve high quality game visuals.

The speaker would like anyone at all please to use software maintained by the speaker. To achieve this goal, the speaker will try to convince a bunch of random strangers to choose graphical design tools not on their suitability for a given task, but based on the copyright licenses under which they are available. This conference is ridiculous.

Open Source C#, .NET, and Blazor - everywhere PLUS WebAssembly
A Microsoft tries to convince everyone to install a shitload of .dll files onto their Linux systems in order to use expensive IDEs to produce the same shit everyone else already does. Along the way, the Microsoft will brag about tricking many rubes into working for free on corporate platform code.

SUSI.AI: An Open Source Platform for Conversational Web
The rich and lengthy tradition of the Free Software community making inferior copies of other, better-engineered systems continues, in this instance enabling underemployed nerds the world over to shout things at their computers. Shouting at computers while some shoddy software desperately attempts to parse and respond to this input is apparently preferable to using any of the well-supported existing input devices that come with every single computer on earth, so this talk will be well-attended and extremely beneficial to anyone who has nothing better to do on Sunday afternoon.

Online Privacy

SSPL, Confluent License, CockroachDB License and the Commons Clause
Is it freedom to choose to be less free?

This talk, from a Facebook lawyer apparently being punished with public relations duty, has nothing to do with privacy at all. The entire point of the talk is to make the audience believe that Facebook gives a single shit about their opinions regarding intellectual property law. The actual product whose weaponized license caused a shitstorm in nerd circles is not mentioned even once: misdirection, or idiocy? That's a trick question; nobody can tell the difference.

Solid: taking back the Web through decentralization
App development as we know it will radically change

An academic, enrolled in the Tim Berners-Lee fan club, will engage in a performance-art piece hypothesizing about a world where anyone gives a shit about what Tim Berners-Lee wants. In accordance with the colorful tradition of web-reinvention nutcases, bold claims and broad promises will rain down upon a rapt audience. After forty minutes, the speaker will ask for questions from the audience, who will respond by spending ten minutes' sober contemplation of profound questions like "what if we COULD do things better?," "I wonder what room I was supposed to have been in?," and "if I leave now, can I get something to eat before the next unhinged rant?"

The Current and Future Tor Project
Updates from the Tor Project

The United States Defense Department's most successful honeypot sends its apex bureaucrat to reassure paranoid Europeans that they can still totally trust all this stuff, you guys. Everything's fine. We're on your side. Route all your traffic through us. It's for your own good.

Algorithmic Sovereignty and the state of community-driven open source development
Is there a radical interface pedagogy for algorithmic governementality[sic]?

A researcher would like the audience to consider what happens when government oppression is executed in a mode that allows blame to be shifted to ostensibly-unbiased computer programs, but the talk description suffered a transporter malfunction and was merged with every edition of Roget's Thesaurus of English Words and Phrases. Those audience members with a sufficiently enhanced vocabulary will have to undertake the task of translating the meaning of this talk into emoji for wider dissemination.

Open Source at DuckDuckGo
Raising the Standard of Trust Online

A search engine programmer will deliver a sales talk.


Fine-grained Distributed Application Monitoring Using LTTng
The audience for this talk, whose topic is low-level systems diagnosis, will consist entirely of webshits who are under the delusion that "distributed" means it uses http as a core protocol. None of them will understand it, but understanding is not required to paste the relevant keywords into the end of their resumes.

eBPF powered Distributed Kubernetes performance analysis
Because Kubernetes, a clustered-application execution platform, was invented by Google, there is no way to usefully inspect any aspect of it. The speaker is one of a large class of poor sods who have to resort to injecting code at runtime into the kernel to make up for the absense of fundamental operational functionality. The talk will be well-attended, because injecting code at runtime into the operating system kernel is simpler than debugging Kubernetes.

Perl 11
The Future of Saint Larry's Language

A programmer will attempt to Fix All The Problems with perl by reimplementing all of the other projects created to Fix All The Problems with perl. This talk was primarily scheduled to keep the room available for people who couldn't get into the ChromeOS talk in the other room.


Better loop mounts with NBD
Take your loop mounts to the next level with nbdkit

A Red Hat drone thinks that the problem with local filesystems is they don't have enough of the network stack involved. This talk will explain how to rectify this omission, as well as some tips on how to make block storage as unreliable as everything else Red Hat pays to develop.

ELI5: ZFS Caching
Explain Like I'm 5: How the ZFS Adaptive Replacement Cache works

A FreeBSD developer thinks that five-year-olds are interested in why storage software caches things into RAM and how that cache is managed. The only five-year-olds the speaker has ever met are bugs in the software being discussed. The word 'works' in the talk title is to be interpreted as an aspiration. We can reevaluate things after the FreeBSD project deletes all this shit and gets in line behind the Linux weenies.

Data services in a hybrid cloud world with Ceph
Making data as portable as your stateless microservices

Another sales talk designed to turn this weekend into a business expense. No apologies to this software's victims are promised. The sales talk highlights using the software as an abstraction layer for AWS, Azure, and Google Cloud Storage, without mentioning what a high-maintenance treadmill nightmare the solution is.

Square Kilometre Array and its Software Defined Supercomputer
... and a very fast parallel file system

An OpenStack refugee disguises a CV as a talk, using numbers that seem large to attract an audience. Most of the performance of the namedropped system comes from add-on 'accelerator' cards which are so unusably terrible that Intel discontinued the entire product line out of shame. If the OpenStack project had any dignity, it would follow suit. The talk description does not contain a reason the speaker would admit in public being involved with any of this.

FOSDEM: more boring shit (2018/01/28)

Let's take a look at my annotated copy of the FOSDEM 2018 main talk schedule, shall we?


Welcome to FOSDEM 2018
Twenty-five minutes you'll never get back.

Consensus as a Service
Twenty Years of OSI Stewardship

Some bureaucrats arrive to explain to everyone how important bureaucracy is. One of them takes credit for introducing Java and XML to IBM, as though that is a praiseworthy achievement instead of grounds for a war crimes tribunal. The talk description focuses heavily on namedropping corporations known for ramming code into production whether there is consensus or not.

Next Generation Internet Initiative
An opportunity to fix the internet

Some academics would like anyone at all to listen to them. Their thesis is that the European Union is the right organization to reinvent the internet, presumably based on the wild success experienced during the reinvention of Europe. Nobody involved appears to have actually done anything, either in the past or the present.

The Spectre of CPU Meltdown
Trade-offs between performance and security

A Red Hat employee who is good at ARM processors would like to lecture everyone about something. We don't get to know what, because the talk description is blank, but we can guess: the speaker's pet technologies are the solution to all our problems, assuming we can just ignore the crippling problems of those pet technologies. This is merely speculation, but it doesn't really matter which PR fluff Red Hat chooses to excrete; they paid a lot to be a "cornerstone sponsor" and by God they're going to get a keynote slot.

Closing FOSDEM 2018
Ten MORE minutes you'll never get back.


OpenADx – xcelerate your Automated Driving development
Leveraging open collaboration and open source to accelerate development of Automated Driving

Bosch, an automotive manufacturer, sends a drone to ask that programmers line up behind Bosch. Bosch has decided to base their automated driving software on Eclipse, which allows us to infer some important facts: This software will never finish loading, much less begin to work. Your car will have the toolbar installed on every update. Very soon, nobody will ever hear of OpenADx ever again, but not before it makes the news for causing massive freeway-blocking traffic fatalities because someone's car crossed a time zone.

Why I forked my own project and my own company
ownCloud to Nextcloud

A programmer tells the harrowing tale of doing things other than programming, fucking them all up, and trying again. The talk description does not indicate that the speaker will present a solution to one of the oldest open problems in the software engineering discipline: "why anyone should trust software written by PHP programmers."

Sustainability of Open Source in International Development
A new approach from the United Nations Foundation

A bureaucratic parasite tries to convince the world that the United Nations should be taken seriously as a software project management organization. The talk describes the parasite's domain as "a multilateral participatory program" and "in collaboration with partners around the world," which is ancient United Nations code for "we are going to demand resources that we can use to demand further resources."

Love What You Do, Everyday!
Another bureaucrat arrives to teach us how to like our jobs, providing those jobs are "cloning Borland Delphi and giving it to the Apache Software Foundation" or "cloning Microsoft Office and giving it to the Apache Software Foundation." No advice is offered for "living with what you've done, everyday."


Unix Architecture Evolution from the 1970 PDP-7 to the 2017 FreeBSD
Important Milestones and Lessons Learned

An academic has spent some number of years shoving unix into a github repository, and now would like to read it aloud. Presumably some Greek student is furious that they had to pay money to attend this lecture last year.

The circuit less traveled
Investigating some alternate histories of computing.

A person nobody cares about will read the names of some software nobody cares about.

Digital Archaeology
Maintaining our digital heritage

A self-described "industry thought leader" invites you to "experience his musings." In fact it's another academic attempting to convince us of the importance of his job.

Reimagining EDSAC in open source
An valve computer reimplemented using FPGAs, Arduinos, 3D printing and discrete electronics

Some students recreate an ancient computer without any of the things that made it interesting.


Configuration Revolution
Why it Needed 13 Years and How it Will be Done

An Internet invites you to simplify your program's configuration file by importing a 130,000-line software grenade, over which you have no control. Wasteful and complicated constructs like "text files" can finally be discarded in favor of a globally-addressable nested key-value datastore which requires new software to be written for every type of configuration data.

IPC in 1-2-3
Everything you always wanted from a network, but were afraid to ask

Some academics arrive to pitch their latest invention: interprocess communications in the form of a packet-switched network. All you need to get started is a packet-switched network, on top of which they may pile untold complexity. Enthusiasts of doctoral thesis-defense trial runs will be sure to love this presentation.

Igniting the Open Hardware Ecosystem with RISC-V
SiFive's Freedom U500 is the World's First Linux-capable Open Source SoC Platform

A person who maintains software targeting hardware that does not in fact exist shows up to talk about the burgeoning field of hardware fanfiction. The speaker has successfully tricked several GNU projects into supporting this nonexistent architecture, which was a natural fit for their nonexistent Hurd operating system. This is the first time on record that a complete compute stack, from absent silicon to absent operating system to absent users, has ever been announced to be released Real Soon Now.

Terra Bruciata
where bugs cannot survive

Obviously the only place that bugs cannot survive is within software that is not ever run, so the presenter would like to discuss the many different approaches to ensuring that unused software is subjected to a mind-numbing array of bureaucratic oversight, outdated standards documents, and half-assed formal verification procedures.

Cyborg Teams
Training machines to be Open Source contributors

A webshit would like to brag about handing control of a software project over to a monte-carlo approximation of a project manager. The software project in question is webshit designed to expose root control of your computer to a web browser. This talk is the first multi-scale integrated model of terrible decision making and questionable practice.

Running Android on the Mainline Graphics Stack
Someone has shoved enough bullshit into the linux kernel, the Mesa graphical library, and the Android user space that they finally work together, if you break a lot of stuff and add a lot of otherwise-unneccesary software. The speaker is here to gloat about being involved with cramming so much garbage into so many disparate projects.

Re-structuring a giant, ancient code-base for new platforms
Making LibreOffice work well everywhere.

Glossing over the reasons they skipped "making LibreOffice work well anywhere", a company devoted to taking credit for other people's work is here to take credit for shoving a Microsoft Office clone into a web browser.


MySQL: Scaling & High Availability Production experience for the last decade
A comedy routine in which a professional database janitor pretends to honestly believe that MySQL is capable of doing anything quickly or scaling in a manner other than "run sixty of these and have fifty-nine of them lie to clients." After the talk, several spontaneous "how to migrate to PostgreSQL" talks will break out in the hallway outside, closely attended by sweating project managers who were not previously aware of what a trash pile MySQL and its advocates are.

Elasticsearch (R)Evolution
You Know, for Search...

Elasticsearch is a distributed customer-data exposure tool with a ransomware-friendly webshit interface. The company who charges money to clean up the mess has sent one of its less useful drones to drum up audience interest in the implementation details that make their product respond reliably and quickly to random internet assailants scanning AWS for data left unprotected by morons.

Optimizing Software Defined Storage for the Age of Flash
The Gluster team at Red Hat, bereft of customers, whiles away the hours by pretending it takes any work at all to reap performance benefits from faster hardware. The thesis seems to be that shitty software was acceptable when the hardware was shitty, but since storage platforms have improved, the bad programming and awful architecture of their project has become more obvious. Evidently it takes three people to apologize.


Python 3: 10 years later
Looking back at Python evolutions of the last 10 years

A Python arrives to tell us that Python 2 is irretrievably fucked and everyone should switch to Python 3, just like they've been telling us for the past decade. The primary products of the speaker's own employer rely entirely on Python 2, just like they have for the past decade. The talk will include plans for replacing Python 3 with Python 4, by the team who fucked up the previous transition so badly that Python 2 has been "deprecated" longer than the release interval between 2.0 and 3.0.

Surviving in an Open Source Niche: the Pythran case
a compiler for scientific kernels written in Python, six years later

A monster uses a Python subset as a C++ templating language. The monster will be on hand to explain how to secure funding for similar monstrosities.

Lift your Speed Limits with Cython
Fast native code for Python

The speaker presents a horrible chimera of a programming language, wherein the drawbacks and limitations of Python are augmented by the drawbacks and limitations of C. The result is a language that introduces header files to Python and requires breathtaking amounts of boilerplate. The primary goal of Cython appears to be transforming the programming experience from "implementing a solution to a given problem" to "trying to guess when to turn off exception handling so that your code runs marginally faster."

Load testing web services at Mozilla with Molotov

Since nobody uses the eighteen million web services that Mozilla starts, ignores, deprecates, and discontinues each month, Mozilla has devoted actual resources to creating software devoted to making themselves feel like they have users. The speaker is willing to educate the audience on how to replace market penetration with a few hundred lines of code. The talk is in the Python track because of an implementation detail and because there is no "software nobody wants" track.

Security and Encryption

Sancus 2.0: Open-Source Trusted Computing for the IoT
A buzzword enthusiast will talk about some software nobody will use, designed to run on hardware nobody wants. Another refugee from the "software nobody wants" track FOSDEM has once again failed to implement.

Using TPM 2.0 As a Secure Keystore on your Laptop
It's not as difficult as you think!

An IBM arrives to teach us how to use hardware he doesn't use. Lots of words will be expounded about integrating all kinds of software into this hardware chip, but a cursory glance at the speaker's own website reveals all this crap is such a pain in the ass that he just uses ssh-agent anyway.

Data integrity protection with cryptsetup tools
what is the Linux dm-integrity module and why we extended dm-crypt to use authenticated encryption

Red Hat explains how they're fixing all their previous fuckups with linux disk encryption.

Inside Monero
The world's first fungible cryptocurrency

An LDAP programmer arrives to explain why we should all give a shit about the Bitcoin knockoff whose primary use is chewing through your processor whenever you watch videos on Youtube.

Security Theatre
The (mostly) unknown OSI Layer 8

Someone has noticed that most of the problems with computers are caused by people.


SatNOGS: Crowd-sourced satellite operations
Satellite Open Source Ground Station Network

The speaker seems to be confused regarding employment; he either works for Greenpeace or Mozilla, but since the software on which this talk focuses appears to function as intended, we can assume he does not work for Mozilla.

The story of UPSat
Building the first open source software and hardware satellite

This talk focuses on the only hardware project at FOSDEM that actually exists in the physical world. This speaker does work for Mozilla, but his title is "Community Architect." Apparently Mozilla has automated their user-ignoring toolkit sufficiently that the people in charge of it have time to reach orbit, where they can pretend people haven't been doing this since the Kennedy administration.

FOSDEM: more boring shit (2017/01/05)

Let's take a look at my annotated copy of the FOSDEM 2017 main talk schedule, shall we?


Welcome to FOSDEM 2017
The speech is 25 minutes so it will fit into your Burger King lunch break!

Kubernetes on the road to GIFEE
"GIFEE" stands for "Google Infrastructure For Everyone." Presumably your computers are too fast and you need some more abstractions to slow them back down. No, I don't know what the second 'E' stands for.

Software Heritage: Preserving the Free Software Commons
"The Free Software Commons" is just some bureaucrat's idea to put a shitload of free software on a hard drive somewhere. The talk description does not explain why is insufficient for this task. I think it's because will not establish a salary for the bureaucrat.

Understanding The Complexity of Copyleft Defense
After 25 Years of GPL Enforcement, Is Copyleft Succeeding?

An FSF bureaucrat spreads FSF propaganda.

Using Linux in Air Traffic Control
Hardware and Operating System Platforms

Someone is trying to use linux to do something.

Closing FOSDEM 2017
This one is only ten minutes so you can attend it and get back before the fries are done.


RISC-V: Open Hardware for Your Open Source Software
The talk description claims RISC-V is in use in both Internet of Things and supercomputing, which is amazing since nobody's produced any working hardware yet.

Free Software For The Machine
Hewlett-Packard came up with a bespoke machine. They could not afford any marketing experts, so this machine is called "The Machine." The big innovation is that you just shit data onto the disk instead of bothering with a proper filesystem. The speaker is the same Keith Packard who made the X Window System even worse than it was before.


How to build at Google scale?

Google, typically, open-sourced some trash software that only serves their needs. This guy is here to explain to you why you should ever, ever give a shit, and also you should probably get involved with the project and give Google free labor.

Continuous Integration at a Distribution Level
Shepherding 30.000 packages to never break

In addition to "30.000" being a strange grade of precision to apply to the number thirty, the second the audience realizes this idiot is talking about Ubuntu everyone will know this "never break" bullshit is a lie.

Continuous Localisation using FOSS tools
Building a fast responsive localisation process using open source tools

The talk description is in English and the talk will be given in English. You can find out more on the FOSDEM web page, which is in English. This shows you how important localization is.


CloudABI: easily develop sandboxed apps for UNIX
Someone realized that it's much easier to secure software if you throw half of it out and ignore the other half. He has started a business with this as the planned profit source.

Resurrecting dinosaurs, what can possibly go wrong?
How Containerised Applications could eat our users.

Someone realized that "containerized applications" -- the practice of just tarring up all your shit with its shared library dependencies and treating that as a unit -- is part of what made Windows suck. The speaker's other talk involves advocating for 'rolling release' distributions. That's right: even the rolling-release idiots think AppImage sucks.


Write a Better FM
Read The F* Manual? Maybe you need to write a better f* manual

An idiot is afraid to say fuck. He works for Red Hat and Apache at the same time so obviously he is the world's leading authority on what documentation should look like: either contained entirely within runtime error messages or hidden behind a paywall.

Bridging the Gap between Legacy Docs and Modular Content
Another Red Hat idiot wants people to stop writing documentation and write stories instead.

What open source and J.K. Rowling have in common
Importance of storytelling in open source projects

The talk description spouts meaningless shit about storytelling, but the real common factor between Rowling and Linux is their presence in the homes and hearts of millions of children and/or mouth-breathing retards who are impressed only because they haven't seen what competence looks like.


The Veripeditus AR Game Framework
Enabling everyone to freely create Augmented Reality Games

Finally, someone comes up with open-source gaming technology even less interesting or popular than VR.

LoRaWAN for exploring the Internet of Things
Talk Hard: A technical, political, and cultural look at LoRaWAN for IoT

An academic has a radio.

Datacubes on Steroids with ISO Array SQL
Open Source, Open Standards, Open Terabytes

An idiot calls multidimensional arrays "datacubes." Nobody knows why, or wants to find out.

You know what's cool? Running on billions of devices
curl from A to Z

Daniel Stenberg is here to tell you how important curl is, because telling people how important curl is happens to be his full-time job.

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About "Hello, World"*
(*But Were Afraid To Ask)

All I Want To Know Is Why The Woody Allen References*
*(to a movie that came out before you were born)

Ethics in Network Measurements
Moral obligations of engineers, scientists and hackers, based on example of RIPE Atlas

An absolute asshole tries to justify the massive crowdsourced surveillance program they've built.

All Ages: How to Build a Movement
Organizational advice from two idiots who have never organized anything.

Free your BIOS today!

The idiot from last year is back, trying to sell you laptops preloaded with a version of Coreboot that has all the useful shit stripped out.

Pieter Hintjens
In Memoriam

It is kind of gross to make this some kind of scheduled event. Have some class and do an informal meeting after hours for this, people.

Tempesta FW: Linux Application Delivery Controller
Yet another webshit trying to make his webshit faster.

User Session Recording for the Enterprise
An Open-Source Effort by Red Hat

Red Hat would like the ability to significantly increase the amount of data collected for the bug reports it ignores.

Security and Encryption

Portfolio of optimized cryptographic functions based on Keccak
Yeah, it's still just SHA-3, man.

The Making of a Secure Open Source Password Keeper
From the Electronics to the High Level Software...

An Exercise in Full-Stack Irrelevance!

Securing Automated Decryption
New Cryptography and Techniques

Apparently nobody's told Red Hat that if something can be automatically decrypted you may as well never have encrypted it to start with.

It's time to SAFE the Internet
Introducing SAFE, the decentralised privacy-first storage and communication network

More ranting about the blockchain from Bitcoin Idiots, LLC. Why yes of course it involves both Rust and javascript, how did you know?

WireGuard: Next Generation Secure Kernel Network Tunnel
Cutting edge crypto, shrewd kernel design, and networking meet in a surprisingly simple combination

Recognizing that IPSec is an overcomplicated monster that nobody uses, an idiot sets about writing a simplified monster nobody uses.

Encrypting Matrix
Building a universal end-to-end encrypted communication ecosystem with Matrix and Olm

A moron thinks someone wants to use third-party servers with Open Whisper Systems' Signal protocol. Don't bother to learn his name; you won't need it.

Quantum computing and post-quantum cryptography
a gentle overview

Listening to a Russian talk about quantum computing is akin to asking your dog how to replace a circuit breaker.