webshit weekly (2020/05/21)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the third week of May, 2020.
May 15, 2020 (comments)
The title of this article is in fact "How Google, DoorDash, & GrubHub Conspire to Screw Local Restaurants," but this language offended the "Hacker" "News" janitors, who then neutered it. A recovering webshit starts a real business, then gets mad about standard webshit business practices. Hackernews senses that placing ads for other companies with your own contact information is somehow wrong, but they can't quite piece together how that might be so. Hackernews wonders if it might be fraud, but surely if you just announce that your business partners can fuck themselves in the Terms of Service of your website, then you can do whatever you want?
May 16, 2020 (comments)
Some asshole has forgotten how to use the web, and declares it lost. Hackernews, whose web experience has shrunk to "Hacker" "News," GitHub, and Stack Overflow, demands a return to the web of their youths, just as soon as they figure out how to post blog articles without being held in any way responsible for the content they write. Various Hackernews consider the dream to remain alive on places like Facebook or Reddit, completely missing the point. A handful of Hackernews attempt to name blogs that they like, or explain the inexorability of the death of human communication. Arguments break out about which computer programs are necessary to post text files on the internet.
May 17, 2020 (comments)
An Internet continues the "fuck DoorDash" song. On the article itself, a Google shows up to insist that Google is not capable of wrongdoing (by definition) and a former GrubHub shows up to denounce what hath been wrought. Meanwhile, a Hackernews reports similarly bending DoorDash over a table, and Hackernews spends the rest of the day trying to ascertain whether DoorDash got defrauded, got what was coming to it, both, or neither.
May 18, 2020 (comments)
Google decides whose side they're on (not yours). Hackernews is either furious that Google has so much control over the internet, or else is employed by Google, and so must mount a frenzied defense of the sanctity of Googlean motivations. It's morally untenable to work for a company as powerful as Google that does not give a shit about human rights, so siding with the 共匪 must be evidence that Google supports human rights, no matter how many unwilling 共产 get killed by the 野蛮匪. Thousands of comments are posted, wherein Hackernews patiently explains that it's crucial to allow anyone on earth to say anything they want at any time, because otherwise Hackernews may one day be personally inconvenienced. This must be balanced, continues Hackernews, by the need of all corporations to obey the wishes of every single government on earth, no matter how oppressive, because corporations are non-political entities that exist outside of human ethical considerations.
May 19, 2020 (comments)
The New York Times DIYs it. Hackernews complains about all of the adware they get paid to build, which leads into a confused debate where Hackernews tries to figure out what the exact difference is between an 'app' and a 'website,' which one the New York Times website is (in comparison to Slack, for some reason), and what the right path forward is for user surveillance at the Times. Later, Hackernews spends hours morosely dreaming of a world where targeted advertising worked, and we could be introduced to things we'd like. Sadly, the entire field is a scam, and instead we get garbage.
May 20, 2020 (comments)
Some webshits notice that websockets are being abused. Hackernews patiently explains to one another that port scanning is totally normal neighborly behavior and it's a bit selfish to just expect your web browser to do things or your behalf all the time. Let someone else have a turn!
May 21, 2020 (comments)
Facebook discovers the internet. Hackernews is still trying to come up with reasons to believe that the latest customer of Structure and Interpretation of Learning You A Rust The Hard Way in 24 Hours in a Nutshell is going to fire up a Packard Bell in Dubuque and torpedo the salary bubble in San Francisco. Hackernews is slightly sad about sitting at home all the time, and would like to return to the office (or any other place where people adhere to a social contract which requires good-faith efforts at being pleasant. This isn't enough reason to rebel against working from home, though, so we're left with the threat of outsourcing and having to compete with someone just as smart as you are, but freed from the crushing weight of paying rent in the Haight.
webshit weekly (2020/05/14)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the second week of May, 2020.
May 08, 2020 (comments)
A webshit writes a treatise on risk assessment. Hackernews spends half their time agreeing with the article and then defending shitty software practices to each other. The rest of the comments are Hackernews naming various software packages and forcing them into the categories described in the article.
May 09, 2020 (comments)
Some webshits throw a nostalgia party, and Hackernews lines up at the door. Lots of hazily-recalled misinformation is presented regarding font rendering, and some Hackernews are so desperate to participate that they have to look shit up on Wikipedia to construct a fantasy narrative for the past -- to include claims of a 1280x1024 CRT. When confronted, the idiot doubles down.
May 10, 2020 (comments)
Coming to on the floor of a local Showbiz Pizza, Hackernews shakes off the remnants of a nostalgia hangover and nervously survey the catalog of browser tabs they left open during the previous day's heady exploration of the past. One of the tabs -- this article -- is a screed questioning the accepted webshit doctrine: the right way to build webshittery applications is to shove all the logic into the browser terminal and run it there. So it was in the blit; so shall it be in the browser. But is this the right way? Hackernews, in the clarity of day, has no problem drilling to the core of this question, and the answer is yes. Absolutely yes. Doing it any other way would be slightly more labor intensive, and Hackernews would rather die.
May 11, 2020 (comments)
An Internet provides a useful blog template for aspiring thought leaders. Hackernews has some fun trying to determine which webshit companies beta tested the template, but this practice gets dangerously close to introspection, since any given Hackernews either works for, got fired from, or runs all of those companies.
May 12, 2020 (comments)
Twitter discovers the internet. Hackernews excitedly names all the other companies who have discovered the internet, but the real meat of this topic is twofold: Hackernews has every possible opinion about working from home, all strongly held, and Hackernews is terrified that some bumpkin in eastern Ohio is somehow going to destroy real estate values in the Bay Area, seconds after the Executive Vice President of Talent Confiscation realizes you can hire Stack Overflow users for cornpone wages who are just as capable as the South of Market courtiers demanding options.
May 13, 2020 (comments)
Some attention-deficit teenagers cascade. In this meeting of the Everything's A Nail club, a new hammer design is unveiled. Hackernews postulates a nail that this hammer cannot handle, but gets lost in the ensuing debate, since it turns out every single person who has ever touched node.js has learned the hard way not to trust any aspect of any dependency management situation that relies on webshits keeping services online. Having been invaded by the Rust Evangelism Strike Force, the project in question demands that other people's software be rewritten. By someone else.
May 14, 2020 (comments)
The vendor of Flash and Coldfusion somehow manages to fuck up software. In this case, it's a PDF reader for an operating system that can natively read PDFs without it. Hackernews doesn't give a shit about Acrobat Reader, but would dearly love to stop "paying for" Photoshop, so they bandy about and immediately reject several dozen alternatives, usually because they are not Photoshop.
webshit weekly (2020/05/07)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the first week of May, 2020.
May 01, 2020 (comments)
An Internet describes an experience with some kind of practical extraction and reporting language. Hackernews describes other similar languages, dimly recalled from some kind of electronic bronze age when people used tools to perform work without any git hooks. An Executive Hackernews declares mystification at the existence of such artifacts, confusedly ruminating on the sufficiency of interactive text editors. Other Hackernews note sagely that the language is useful when applied to the tasks for which it was designed, but other tools may be better for other tasks.
May 02, 2020 (comments)
An Internet hands you a hammer and lets you practice identifying nails. Hackernews learns a lot about using a query language where a sane person would use a programming language, gets distracted by a minor matter of linguistics, and then gets back to a serious debate: exactly which parts of SQL are worth knowing? Which parts should people be shunned for not knowing? Which parts are good for replicating the tool you actually wanted?
May 03, 2020 (comments)
An Internet reviews some bullshit factories you can use to convince morons that you have a business plan. Hackernews votes for the article because they would like to convince morons they have a business plan, but the content is so utterly devoid of even the slightest interesting qualities that almost nobody has anything to say. Some of the hucksters arrive in the comments to hobnob with the marks. A Hackernews wonders how you're supposed to build a five-year financial model of a business that does not yet exist, and is instructed by everyone in earshot to make shit up until a resulting graph convinces a patron to lavish the mark with debt.
May 04, 2020 (comments)
A webshit leads by example. Hackernews posts one thousand comments, which mostly fall into three buckets: "this person is a hero and Amazon should be ashamed," "unions are scams designed to give power unjustly to non-rich people," and "everyone at Amazon should stop whining because some third-world dirt factory is worse." Along the way, much economic theory is hastily dug out, nebulously understood, and inexpertly applied to the people who actually do the shit that Amazon is famous for doing.
May 05, 2020 (comments)
AirBnB (business model: "Uber for toilets") cancels nearly two thousand reservations. Hackernews thinks the severance package is quite kind, or possibly inhuman and cruel, or definitely wrong in some direction, because America. Two-thirds of the comments on the article are in a thread bickering about how much money a company should pay someone whilst shitcanning them. The rest of the comments are Hackernews attempting to divine the future progress of the COVID-19 pandemic based on AirBnB's business practices. No technology is discussed.
May 06, 2020 (comments)
Microsoft ports their webshit text editor ... to the web. Hackernews is ecstatic that they can finally use their favorite text editor without leaving The Only Application. Dozens of Microsofts flood the comments to use Capitalized Brandnames of Important Products. A substantial subthread breaks off where Hackernews enthuses about networked text editing features which have existed in other software since the Reagan administration. Some Gitlabs show up to crow about how they got here first. The rest of the comments are comparing VS Code to other text editors, or comparing Microsoft to other assholes.
May 07, 2020 (comments)
Some webshits get bored and decide to work on software that anyone actually uses. Hackernews is furious; if only the webshits would have accepted money from Hackernews, says Hackernews, this never would have happened. Instead the webshits accepted a tremendous amount of debt from a high-class loan shark and now are scuttling the whole project to repay that debt. Hackernews discusses alternative software to replace the impending loss of all Keybase functionality, but since Keybase itself is a rambling mess of desultory, incoherent functionality it's impossible to eat just one.