webshit weekly (2017/09/21)

An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the third week of September, 2017.

Firefox Multi-Account Containers
September 15, 2017 (comments)
Mozilla duplicates existing "Profile" functionality in an extension. Hackernews invents six thousand possible responses to a keystroke. Each Hackernews is surprised the others do not arrive at the same conclusion, which is admittedly how Hackernews generally works. Nobody can figure out what the difference is between "containers" and "profiles."

We've failed: open access is winning and we must change our approach
September 16, 2017 (comments)
A publisher notices that the entire academic publishing industry is a parasite, and suggests possible approaches to keeping the parasite alive. Hackernews decides the problem is bad screens on tablets. Other Hackernews decide that copyright law is like technical debt, but with morality instead of javascript. The majority of the comments are complaining about carrying the burden of past generations' ethical debt.

Buffett wins $1M decade-old bet that the S&P500 would outperform hedgefunds
September 17, 2017 (comments)
A rich guy was right about money. Hackernews zeros in on the meat of the subject: the technical implementation of the wager. One Hackernews shows up to crow about being involved in the project, which amounts to a filing cabinet on the internet. The rest of Hackernews is unsurprised that hedge fund managers are idiots -- after all, if they had any brains, they'd be javascript programmers.

W3C abandons consensus, standardizes DRM, EFF resigns
September 18, 2017 (comments)
Corey Doctorow slowly beings to realize that the internet, like everything else, exists at the convenience of people with money. Hackernews, all of whom work for the companies that lobbied for web DRM standards, ruefully shake their heads; there was no possible way to avoid this. The only way forward is to commit all available resources to web development.

iTerm2: Please disable 'Perform DNS lookups to check if URLs are valid'
September 19, 2017 (comments)
An internet notices that some Mac software was written by idiots. The idiots' quick reversal of course is hailed as heroism. Hackernews dithers about when it is appropriate for terminal emulation software to undertake its own network traffic. Nobody suggests 'never.' The software in question has been sending random shit over DNS queries for at least two years.

DuckDuckGo vs Google
September 20, 2017 (comments)
An internet compares a search engine to a freelance surveillance apparatus. Hackernews likes the search engine, except for the search results, and decides they cannot survive without the surveillance apparatus, because it saves them a small amount of money for email hosting.

New in PostgreSQL 10
September 21, 2017 (comments)
A software project posts a changelog. Hackernews has strong opinions about relational databases, because those are the closest thing to data structures Hackernews knows about. Many hours are spent arguing about performance trivialities and the finer points of password authentication. Some Hackernews spend time imagining software they would write, and then finding bugs in their imaginary software.

webshit weekly (2017/09/14)

An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the second week of September, 2017.

Equifax Faces Multibillion-Dollar Lawsuit Over Hack
September 08, 2017 (comments)
The lawyers have the statisticians surrounded. Hackernews steps up to the podium to lecture about the reasons a society might choose to implement a justice system. The depths of Wikipedia are plumbed so that Hackernews may sound informed about mass tort law. In keeping with Hackernews tradition, someone suggests writing an app, someone compares everything to Facebook, and someone expresses sympathy for the noble webshits whose fault this definitely isn't.

Identity Theft, Credit Reports, and You
September 09, 2017 (comments)
Boilerplate advice is posted to a blog by a bronze medalist in the Hackernews Echo Chamber Olympics. The commenters trample each other in the stampede to the altar, in hopes their adulation will be noted by the sages. The author of the article insists he is not a lawyer. It's for the best.

Equifax Lobbied to Kill Rule Protecting Victims of Data Breaches
September 10, 2017 (comments)
Some assholes gave money to politicians. Hackernews is outraged, and sets about planning to replace the entire financial and political sectors of American society with blockchains. Google, Facebook, and Amazon each spent on lobbying, in a single year, more than ten times as much as these assholes did over a span of five years. Hackernews did not notice. The topic is not investigated.

Facebook, You Needy Sonofabitch
September 11, 2017 (comments)
A webshit doesn't like getting popup notifications from a website. Great care is taken to detail the many ways in which this webshit feels harassed. A conclusion is reached: the webshit will continue to use the website, and will make excuses for it. Hackernews decides "I deleted my Facebook account" is the "I don't own a television" of the 2010s, and the same three comments recur as usual: "I deleted Facebook and now I am Kahlil Gibran ," "I cannot stop using Facebook or else I will be struck dead by a physical God," and "I use Facebook but have been working hard to move my personal information to another surveillance platform instead."

iPhone X
September 12, 2017 (comments)
Apple releases their implementation of the Nokia N9. The primary new feature involves mass collection of incredibly accurate biometric information, which they're pretty sure will be fine. Hackernews unleashes a litany of complaints about Apple hardware, software, and business practices, culminating in a widespread agreement that life is completely unlivable without Apple. Some Hackernews spend several hours complaining that logging into iPhones is too hard, too easy, and just right. The bottom third of the comment page is a mass grave of Suppressive Persons who did not exude sufficient enthusiasm for a cellphone.

Sublime Text 3.0
September 13, 2017 (comments)
An internet shits out a text editor, resulting in an internet thread about text editors that is completely indistinguishable from the previous sixteen million internet threads about text editors. The Hackernews twist: there are still apparently people on earth stupid enough to pay money for a text editor.

Face ID, Touch ID, No ID, PINs and Pragmatic Security
September 14, 2017 (comments)
An internet spends just under four thousand words rambling about logging into cellphones. The only interesting part is complaining about how security introduces complications, then praising a feature that allows users to manually increase complications. Hackernews reconstructs US border protection law from first principles. Then they reconstruct Apple security practice from first principles. Then they reconstruct Dropbox security practice from first principles. There are more comments about security practice on this thread about a blog post than there were on the thread about some webshits losing the personal information of basically everyone in America.

webshit weekly (2017/09/07)

An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the first week of September, 2017.

The art of over-engineering your side projects
September 01, 2017 (comments)
An internet informs us that we probably don't need all the bullshit Hackernews wades through at their day jobs. Hackernews insists that the bullshit is the only source of joy in life. Another Hackernews posits that different people have different opinions, and everybody takes a break to congratulate each other on this profound insight.

Rental camera gear destroyed by the 2017 eclipse
September 02, 2017 (comments)
A camera rental business reports that, despite having been repeatedly instructed not to, their customers have done idiotic things with their tools. Hackernews devolves into arguments about how long is appropriate to aim a lens at the sun, revealing that most of them interact with photography equipment the same way they interact with the information technology industry: incapable of realizing they're destroying it.

“Oracle laid off all Solaris tech staff in a classic silent EOL of the product”
September 03, 2017 (comments)
An internet reports that Oracle has cut the head off the shambling remains of Sun's systems division. Hackernews eulogizes Solaris and once again struggles with the idea that a company might somehow survive by selling goods and services instead of internet advertising. The bulk of the comments are people Monday-morning quarterbacking a multinational business.

“Google: it is time to return to not being evil”
September 04, 2017 (comments)
A parasite demands that its host stop scratching. Hackernews mostly just bitches about their phones. Off in the corner, some Hackernews argue about whether it's smarter to trust people who are selling shit to you or people who are giving shit to you for free.

Time for Makefiles to Make a Comeback
September 05, 2017 (comments)
An internet experiments with the idea of using a tool for its intended purpose. Hackernews divides into two groups: those who have written extensively about Make, and those who have extensively written Make replacements. The Rust Evangelism Strike Force puts cash on the barrelhead if anyone will please just take an existing simple program and convert it to Rust. The money remains unclaimed.

Demon-Haunted World
September 05, 2017 (comments)
An internet warns that computers, which suck, are infesting non-computer-related things, and making them suck. Hackernews inexplicably thinks software licensing has something to do with this. Some Hackernews probe the idea that maybe -- eventually -- somehow -- perhaps... it might be desirable to hold software engineers responsible for their creations, in the sense that literally every other kind of engineer is held responsible. Hackernews vacillates between abhorrence at the very notion of accountability and tentative speculation that accountability might be survivable. One Hackernews thinks you should defrag your phone.

Facebook recruiting and Unix systems
September 06, 2017 (comments)
An internet posts a record of interaction with a typical recruiter, then shows up to defend the recruiter in the comments section of Hackernews. Hackernews discusses the student's insufficient self-abasement as an indicator of ingratitude, then starts up a pedantry tournament, presumably to select the next round of recruiters for Facebook.

Delta Goes Big, Then Goes Home
September 07, 2017 (comments)
An airplane flies a tricky route in the nick of time. A Hackernews identifies as a pilot and helpfully informs everyone that this cool thing everyone is excited about is a cool thing. The rest of the comments read exactly like every single Facebook post of the same story, including a seventeen-page response from someone who doesn't understand how comment threading works.