webshit weekly (2017/12/14)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the second week of December, 2017.
December 08, 2017 (comments)
A nerd defeats some bureaucrats. Hackernews describes every single thing that has ever displeased them on a road. Once that matter is settled, several dozen pages are devoted to debating the truly outlandish notion that engineers might be held responsible for their work. Dim consensus appears to be that such responsibility is appropriate for things that people rely on, such as bridges or airplanes, but not for things that people rely on, such as the software they all write for a living, the computers that software runs on, or anything else that might directly or indirectly lead to a single Hackernews taking the slightest bit of responsibility for their actions.
December 09, 2017 (comments)
An Internet doesn't like Oracle's terms of service. Hackernews is flabbergasted that the government allows terms-of-service clauses that Hackernews does not like. What follows is six to eight hours of Hackernews incorrecting each other on fundamental capitalist theory. When that gets boring, they switch to incorrecting each other about contract law.
December 10, 2017 (comments)
An Internet gives money to a bad ISP. Hackernews is outraged that bad ISPs exist, but continues to give money to them. They advise each other to complain to the FCC, which is a time-tested and reliable approach to solving internet problems. A Comcast shows up to paste boilerplate responses, but Hackernews gets distracted armchair-lawyering the details of Comcast's Bad Customer Service guidelines (RFC 6108).
December 11, 2017 (comments)
The SEC Chairman warns people to think twice before doing business with Bitcoin Idiots, LLC. Hackernews is gratified to see the government restraining from shutting down the Internet Funbux. All the rest of the comments are the usual Dunning-Krugerrand propaganda.
December 12, 2017 (comments)
Microsoft notices that a program is popular nearly twenty years after it comes out. Some Hackernews are excited to see that Windows is nearly as useful as a UNIX machine from the George W Bush administration. Most Hackernews respond to the news by speculating on the implementation details. Nobody looks at the implementation.
December 13, 2017 (comments)
An Internet posts a powerpoint full of animated gifs with captions. The captions simplify basic statistics to the point of uselessness. Hackernews appreciates this work because it's difficult to separate the important information (i.e. buzzwords and marketing noise) from the useless chaff (i.e. any and all mathematics).
December 14, 2017 (comments)
Some bureaucrats perform bureaucracy. Hackernews is ready to explain to you that your priorities are fucked and your manner of expressing them is stupid -- but good news! Hackernews will gladly instruct you, for free! They'll also instruct each other. Then they'll accuse each other of formulating instructions based on political agendas. Then they'll assert that the agendas are immoral. Then they'll explain that immorality is the kissing cousin of ignorance... which is the perfect excuse for Hackernews to lecture each other about ignorance, morality, politics, bureaucracy, and the highly partisan field of telecommunications engineering.
webshit weekly (2017/12/07)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the first week of December, 2017.
December 01, 2017 (comments)
The captain of the Hackernews Popularity Contest pisses into an ocean of piss. Hackernews takes turns agreeing with specific ripples. The runner-up in the Hackernews Popularity Contest scolds everyone for having the temerity to discuss the scripture laid down from on high. There is no reliable information or worthwhile insight to be found in the initial puddle of tweets or the resulting discussion.
December 02, 2017 (comments)
Some webshits crank out a new release of their noise. All of the new features are esoteric evolutions of the existing over-engineered dumpster. Hackernews launches into a detailed analysis of the advantages of this particular webshit, in comparison to six thousand nearly-identical webshits, with preference going to the one written in each particular Hackernews' favorite scripting language.
December 03, 2017 (comments)
A webshit writes an ode to someone else's webshit. Hackernews, lacking anything better to do, disagrees. A brief inquest is held regarding whether and when it is acceptable to clone someone's website for your own purposes. The crowdsourced advice: "as long as you're pretty sure you won't get sued," which is also how Hackernews evaluates business models.
December 04, 2017 (comments)
A newspaper is worried that a ubiquitous face mapping device might lead to trouble. Apple reassures us everything will be okay, because they make people promise to be good. Hackernews agrees that the device will not pose problems, both because it doesn't work as well as Apple claims and because we're already fucked by existing ubiquitous face recording devices. Other Hackernews derive confidence from the fact that Apple loves them and just wants to take care of them.
December 05, 2017 (comments)
A bureaucrat, seeing the success of last week's bureaucratic temper tantrum, posts on Hackernews to drum up support for a specific political position. The bureaucrat purports to give advice on how to sway Federal policy, but mysteriously does not lead with "spend an absolutely phenomenal amount of money on lobbying," presumably because nobody really thinks a web forum for brogrammers is going to affect anything. Hackernews uses each of the bureaucrat's posts to incorrect each other about existing telecommunications case law.
December 06, 2017 (comments)
A doctor says we need more vitamins. Hackernews spends some time debating whether direct sunlight will instantly kill you or whether you will certainly die without it. When that gets boring, they switch to shitting on the article, the doctor who wrote it, and the journal that published it. One Hackernews wants all the hard sciencey words explained, which triggers five identically useless nonexplanations of terms. The rest of the posts are people arguing about which random-ass nutritional supplements cured their brain cancer and gave them the ability to levitate.
December 07, 2017 (comments)
Some rando interviews a webshit who has failed to recreate one of the extensions Mozilla recently shitcanned. Irony saturation reaches critical levels as the webshit lauds Firefox's extension API stability. Another wonderful benefit of Firefox is touted: you can't do a lot of stuff with it that you used to be able to do. Hackernews discusses workarounds for the failures in the extension featured in the article, and expresses gratitude that Mozilla cares about us so much that it's willing to cripple its own products to protect us from ourselves. As always, Hackernews discusses Firefox and several alternative browsers, evaluates them based on their similarity to Chrome, and then continues to use Chrome.
webshit weekly (2017/11/30)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the last week of November, 2017.
November 22, 2017 (comments)
A bureaucrat, upset some other bureaucrats are in disagreement, appeals to the mob. Hackernews tears itself apart: some insist their startups be treated with the same deference granted to Netflix and Facebook, and the others insist on their divine right to bleed every possible customer dry. The only unanimous sentiment is "from each according to their ability, to me according to my delusions of Galtness."
November 23, 2017 (comments)
Some rich guy wastes everybody's time. Hackernews grows somber and moons about life lessons. After a while, Hackernews takes a break from telling each other to be humble, in order to focus on calling other people stupid or lazy. Everyone agrees that success is granted by luck, but lots of Hackernews suspect that they earned their luck by caring a lot.
November 24, 2017 (comments)
A webshit shows off someone else's code. No, the 20 lines of code do not include, for instance, most of the code, or any of the multiple massive libraries it relies upon. The webshit in question shows up in the comments to point out that "the algorithm" is what fits in 20 lines of code, but it is too late. Hackernews has already trotted out every piece of software they've ever seen that's even remotely related, and everyone agrees it's all superior to this video game from the early 1990s.
November 25, 2017 (comments)
A programmer unveils a truly bizarre pastime: programming. Hackernews mulls over an important question: whether grasping mathematics is capable of improving the quality of a programmer's work. As a corollary, they also speculate on whether learning to program would make mathematicians worth listening to. The rest of the comments are people digging phrases out of dimly-remembered college classes and parading them online to sound informed.
November 26, 2017 (comments)
Some shithead posts the junk food of pop psychology. One Hackernews bravely thanks Facebook for providing an alternative to the horrific prospect of spending time with spouses and children, but after that it just turns to "I removed the Facebook app from my phone, and have thereafter pierced the seventh veil." A few Hackernews turn away from the shark attack on Facebook to instruct one another on the correct method and apparatus for worshipping God.
November 27, 2017 (comments)
Stanford is forced to teach their students how to be adults; evidently adulthood is no longer taken for granted when dealing with computer science students. Hackernews, the world's leading repository of good decisions and rational behavior, disagrees with nearly all of it, and falls to bickering about why the instructions are wrong.
November 28, 2017 (comments)
Apple continues to perform their traditional role as innovative thought leaders. While lesser companies are defending against government insistence on software back doors, Apple courageously installs software front doors. Some Hackernews continue to perpetuate the tired old pre-High Sierra doctrine of protecting the root account from unauthorized access, but Tim Cook knows that's just what the adversary would expect you to do. Hackernews -- like the rest of the internet -- spends so much time threatening to possibly purchase non-Apple hardware at some point in the hypothetical future that they can barely fit in the "this wouldn't have happened if Steve Jobs hadn't killed himself" lectures. Approximately every fifth comment contains incorrect and ineffective instructions for disabling the feature.
November 29, 2017 (comments)
Jimmy Wales takes a break from writing heartfelt personal letters pestering strangers for money to announce another goddamn Wordpress blog. Hackernews spends some time ruminating on whether the entire concept of a wiki has failed, then tries to predict which multinational corporation will win the race to purchase Jimmy Wales. Everyone is in agreement that information is power, power brokers have biases, and the only way to make effective decisions is by employing shitloads of graphic designers.
November 30, 2017 (comments)
A junk dealer includes a free tinfoil hat with each purchase. Some of the trash collectors show up to disseminate needless detail, and are avalanched with tech support questions regarding past junk sales.