webshit weekly (2017/11/21)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the third week of November, 2017.
November 15, 2017 (comments)
Some webshits produce a multiplayer text editor. Hackernews creepily namedrops the authors and points out that other webshit text editors contain similar DLC. Another Hackernews expresses astonishment that text editing did not strain a laptop. Complaints that a Chrome-based text editor consumes too many compute resources are dismissed because they are too frequent. A Github shows up to brag that "you can type without almost any lag."
November 16, 2017 (comments)
The Muskonauts trumpet the arrival of a $200,000 car they intend to sell, presumably after they figure out how to actually manufacture the last car they intended to sell. Hackernews spends hours debating whether to invest in a company that cannot turn a profit and is currently setting fire to half a billion dollars monthly. The armchair automotive engineers wax tumescent as they bicker over whether the hypothetical car is the best car ever made or the best car it is possible to make. As with all previous Tesla circlejerks, nobody shows or even discusses what happens when the vehicle attempts to turn.
November 17, 2017 (comments)
Github indicates in the traditional manner that it will soon go into receivership: entering into a partnership with Microsoft. The project is perfectly attuned to Github's "undecentralize version control systems" business model, as well as Microsoft's "bizarre overengineering in lieu of functionality" approach to technology. Hackernews bikesheds the article, then bickers about which abandoned or never-released project would have fixed all this.
November 18, 2017 (comments)
An iceberg threatens to manage its stock portfolio. Hackernews shits out terminology they read on Bloomberg.
November 19, 2017 (comments)
Some Internets think virtualization will save them. One third of the project's news articles are security advisories. Hackernews admires the maintainers' rejection of filthy compromises like "persistent storage." Some time is wasted praying to various Technology Gods for intervention and salvation of secure software projects that previously wandered into the wastes.
November 20, 2017 (comments)
An internet vomits a lengthy, strained analogy, designed to allow cloistered turbonerds to understand rudimentary pop psychology. Hackernews launches into the same tired lecture about how you should never use any of the products that made their investors rich enough to fund Hackernews' startups. A large thread appears in which people praise the Apple Watch for saving them from looking at their telephone. Several smartphone apps are recommended, most of which just tell you not to launch other smartphone apps. The second page of comments consists of text produced by running outdated philosophy texts through Markov chains.
November 21, 2017 (comments)
The Federal Communications Commission continues its war against everyone but lobbyists. Hackernews, all of whom just got through whining about how hard it is not to stare at the internet, switch gears and soberly lecture each other about how important the internet is. Several Hackernews suggest calling elected representatives, even though that is only an effective tactic if you are interested in having furtive sex in a non-sex-oriented location.
webshit weekly (2017/11/14)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the second week of November, 2017.
November 08, 2017 (comments)
An internet publishes fan mail to a gigantic faceless corporation, exhorting it to exhibit morality. Hackernews is angry that it is harder for them to dodge taxes than it is for more successful people. Hours of debate follow, in which the participants attempt to ascertain whether Apple's actions are ethical because they are legal or legal because they are ethical. All manner of hypothetical technical solutions are suggested to social problems that Hackernews heard about via podcast.
November 09, 2017 (comments)
An internet posts an article consisting entirely of pull quotes. Hackernews, unable to relate to the "billionaire" qualities of the speaker, instead relates to the "armchair psychologist" qualities. One Hackernews claims to have 'written an algorithm that scores news for quality,' which appears to translate to 'accuses articles of bias ex machina.' The rest of the comments debate whether critical thought is "hard," and generally uses whatever Facebook does as the rubric. Another tangent advocates that social media should be regulated by the state, for the protection of the flock.
November 10, 2017 (comments)
Some nerds opened a serial console. Hackernews regards this as a world-ending event. One compares it to waking up in a world of omniscient spy hardware, presumably via smartphone. Several dozen other Hackernews argue about whether the world cares enough that nerds do not possess a sufficient degree of control over the devices primarily used to upload personal information to the internet. All manner of hypothetical technical solutions are suggested to social problems that Hackernews actively perpetrates.
November 11, 2017 (comments)
An internet preaches to the choir. The argument boils down to the author preferring standards over services. jsonfeed is dismissed because it does not use enough XML, despite having reached a staggering 0.1% market share in just six months. Hackernews lines up to eulogize content syndication, the non-Facebook web, and (most of all) Google Reader.
November 12, 2017 (comments)
An asshole doing graduate study in machine learning slowly realizes the entire discipline is "statistics with computers," and scrambles to learn mathematics. Hackernews comes to the rescue, declaring there is no better place to learn basic math than grad school. At no possible point before PhD research is it, in the eyes of Hackernews, advisable to study mathematics. Most of the rest of the comments are advice on how to game graduate advisors.
November 13, 2017 (comments)
Mozilla excretes some public relations drivel about their latest release, complete with the same condescending cartoons that appeared in the last four. Given a buzzword codename, the release's reported success involves deleting any code that is insufficiently identical to their main competitor. Hackernews is elated about how much more Chrome-like Firefox has become, but grievously disappointed in the few remaining pieces that persist in not being Google products. Consensus: Hackernews really wants to use Firefox because it is not Chrome, but cannot abide using it, because it is not Chrome.
November 14, 2017 (comments)
Mozilla announces this week's browser release. The "unresolved" section of the release highlights is three times longer than the "fixed" section, in keeping with ancient tradition dating back to when the product was still called Navigator. Nestled among the "unresolved" section is the news that vision-impaired users are invited to fuck themselves until further notice. Hackernews copies all of yesterday's comments and pastes them into today's thread.
webshit weekly (2017/11/07)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the first week of November, 2017.
November 01, 2017 (comments)
An Internet is fond of some software. So is Hackernews. Any comment not devoted to singing the praises of the software in question is devoted instead to arguing about Docker. Again.
November 01, 2017 (comments)
Unsatisfied merely with charging money for webshit, an asshole also demands contrition. The webshit in question puts text onto gif files. Hackernews reconstructs free trade from first principles, then spends a while debating whether ads are the best way to make money or the only way to make money. The consensus is that it's just too hard for people to give them money. Bitcoin Idiots, LLC makes a half-hearted stump speech or two, but nobody cares.
November 02, 2017 (comments)
An Internet bemoans the state of the web. Three of the four contact methods provided involve webshit. Hackernews, whose fault this all is, has further complaints to add to the list. Some of them think the solution is podcasts, because the obvious alternative to modal advertisement popups is listening to some Internet stutter into a Blue Yeti for three hours. Another claims to have learned programming primarily via web videos. I had to close the webpage when I got to the Hackernews literally judging books by their covers.
November 03, 2017 (comments)
A cuddle party occurs via Github issue. Hackernews strenuously approves of this practice and brainstorms other ways for people to praise them. The results frequently involve money.
November 04, 2017 (comments)
An Internet gets fucked over by a webshit. Hackernews has also been fucked over by this and similar webshits. The comment threads are a shitstorm of people blaming some Internet for insufficiently diversifying income portfolios and other people suggesting that maybe there should be some kind of law encouraging contract enforcement.
November 05, 2017 (comments)
An Internet surveys a sampling of shitty hardware. The website falls over. Hackernews bitches about the quality of Google search results, then proceeds to rattle off whatever comparably-shitty hardware they're familiar with, regardless of whether it has anything to do with the testing performed by the author. The Rust Evanglism Strike Force arrives to reassure everyone that their shitty programming language works great on shitty hardware, as long as you use one of a very few cared-about platforms.
November 06, 2017 (comments)
Google breaks shit instead of doing anything right, as usual. Hackernews is instantly pissed off that it is even possible to question their heroes, and calls for the public execution of anyone who second-guesses the Chrome team. A very few heretics grudgingly admit that they'd like to be consulted -- or at least informed in advance -- when Google engineers decide to take another big shit on the rest of the world, but insist that Google only hits them because it loves them.
November 07, 2017 (comments)
Andy Tanenbaum humblebrags about the fact that Intel is using his code, then whines that they didn't tell him, presumably because it would help drag his h-index out of the toilet. Hackernews debates the finer points of etiquette, which goes about as well as you'd expect. The rest of the comments are people bickering about bondage-and-dominance license terms, or angry demands that Intel give a shit about the commenter.