webshit weekly (2018/02/21)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the third week of February, 2018.
February 15, 2018 (comments)
A webshit discovers that the internet is full of trash. Several Hackernews claim that women would be treated more respectfully by strangers if women could pass a Turing test. Several more claim that women would be treated more respectfully if they stopped trying to help their customers. One Hackernews is angry that random passersby don't respond positively to catcalls. Another can't understand how repeated requests for photographs of sex organs can possibly constitute abuse. The rest of the comments are people explaining that it's okay to type sexual harassment into message popups.
February 16, 2018 (comments)
An Internet bemoans the state of a website devoted to bikeshedding maps. Hackernews can't decide if there is a user interface problem or a fundamental design failure. The founder of the website in question arrives to inform the world that nobody needs maps any more because of self-driving cars. Hackernews spends a while debating whether Google Maps (from Google) or Waze (from Google) is the right answer.
February 17, 2018 (comments)
Apple continues its war against its own users. Some Hackernews express mild concern, but an army of partisan Mac users organize patrols to interrogate nonbelievers. Any suboptimal behavior of an Apple product, decrees Hackernews, is the fault of the idiot user, who clicked the wrong button or downloaded the wrong third-party disk molestation utility from the App Store. Anyway it can't be Apple's fault because filesystems are really hard and nobody has ever written one that works.
February 18, 2018 (comments)
An Internet never shows up for work. Neither does Hackernews. Nobody notices.
February 19, 2018 (comments)
A webshit vomits forth thousands of words of utterly useless garbage. Utterly useless garbage being Hackernews' stock in trade, they spend several hours bikeshedding the webshit's pointless results. The Rust Evangelism Strike Force is on hand to dispatch suppressive persons to the Mozilla Re-education Camps.
February 20, 2018 (comments)
Unsatisfied with having built an entire operating system based around the Python REPL, the IPython people have picked a dumber name, added more scripting languages, and shoved themselves into a massive webshit casserole. A Hackernews declares intent to use this software, and is immediately dogpiled with lectures about the Right Way to Do Things. Some Hackernews complain that they love the "shove everything onto the screen at once" school of program design, but wish for a world in which code and data could ever be extricated. One Hackernews asks what the hell, exactly, this program in fact does. Nobody answers.
February 21, 2018 (comments)
Someone gave Moxie more money. Hackernews has ideas on how to spend it. No improvements in any Signal-related products are announced. The Cash Source talks about "universal availability" when referring to a program that only works on two kinds of cellular phone. The XMPP Memorial Society files into a side room to trade war stories about the last chat protocol that Changed the World.
webshit weekly (2018/02/14)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the second week of February, 2018.
February 08, 2018 (comments)
Google is excited about the progress they've made in their unending quest to ensure that trustworthiness is a quality that can only be ascribed by Google. Hackernews is disturbed at the idea that someone might be running arbitrary code in a web browser without HTTPS, which is the only possible way to determine if code should be run. One Hackernews figures out that browser vendors have effectively become the gatekeepers of all internet access, but everyone decides that there's nobody else qualified to do the job.
February 09, 2018 (comments)
A ragtag band of internet drifters releases some kind of weird offline YouTube clone that doesn't even have a messaging app built in. Hackernews celebrates the duration of the project development, but is miffed that it doesn't seem to work with Apple TV.
February 10, 2018 (comments)
An Internet posts an oral history of one of Google's legendary project management successes. Starting from open protocols and widely-understood software, Google slowly and steadily replaced every aspect of the program with unusable garbage. Hackernews spends a while disagreeing about which of Google's eighteen indistinguishable chat programs is best, then proceeds to list every single communications-related piece of software ever deployed. Everyone agrees that anything is better than email, which is why nobody on Hackernews has ever had an email account.
February 11, 2018 (comments)
A webshit lectures us about problems with keeping track of user accounts, almost all of which were directly caused by the garbage software the webshit has chosen to embrace. Border skirmishes break out between the Schlaueste Demokratische Republik and Союз Стандартизованных Социалистических Республик. When arguing about e-mail address parsing gets tiresome, Hackernews switches to optimizing InnoDB layout for looking up user IDs. One Hackernews writes a doctoral thesis about the injustice of unique usernames, and then has to defend it against a panel of Hackernews who are incapable of imagining any other approach.
February 12, 2018 (comments)
Facebook, a webshit founded on the idea that everyone on Earth should upload all of their personal information to Facebook, begins development on a special edition of its software for the German market. Hackernews is fully aroused, since the only thing more alluring than bikeshedding a legal issue is bikeshedding a foreign legal issue. Even more delicious: bikeshedding hypothetical legal issues that might arise after the instantiation of an upcoming new law! When the orgy dies down, Hackernews lights a Marlboro and engages in pillow talk about how foolish the German government must be to clash with an organization with as many lawyers as Facebook has.
February 13, 2018 (comments)
It is a period of civil war. Rebel Hackernews, striking from a hidden browser, have experienced their first disagreement with the evil Google Empire. During the comment thread, rebel Hackernews managed to object to secret plans for Google's ultimate weapon, AMP, a webshit protocol with enough lock-in to destroy an entire internet. Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, rebel Hackernews race online aboard their Macbooks, custodians of the stubborn objections that can save their protocols and restore freedom to the internet.....
February 14, 2018 (comments)
A webshit posts a summary of that one week in high school your physics teacher talked about audio. Hackernews is so mesmerized by the moving colors and pretty sounds that they can barely incorrect each other about digital signal processing, so they spend some time trading webshit school lessons instead.
webshit weekly (2018/02/07)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the first week of February, 2018.
February 01, 2018 (comments)
Mozilla half-asses another fundamental privacy feature. No explanation is given as to why users would want this protection only in specific circumstances, instead of, for instance, at all times everywhere. Hackernews initially wants this feature enabled full-time, but slowly realizes that this would deprive all their employers of delicious customer data. After some debate, they decide that advertising agencies are insurmountable opponents and only the government can save them.
February 02, 2018 (comments)
An Internet posts a deep dive into a supremely creepy hobby. Hackernews has a nice chuckle at the people who think creepy hobbies are anything but the natural progression of human society toward the ultimate utopia where nobody can trust any of their senses.
February 03, 2018 (comments)
A webshit guesses about how a web browser works and complains that the ad agency which makes the browser isn't helpful enough about blocking ads. Hackernews writes, and then bikesheds, science fiction about possible malfeasance on the part of the ad agency. Another Hackernews figures out that the ad agency is only enabling the blocker on sites that don't comply with the "recommendations" of a cartel operated by the ad agency.
February 04, 2018 (comments)
A webshit posts a brief history of the crayons that webshits use to scribble on your browser. Hackernews, unsatisified with the pedantry of the original article, argues about the etymology of various keywords. The rest of the comments are various Hackernews expressing relief that CSS has evolved past all of this box-model garbage to the platonic ideal of just using
tables grids for everything.
February 05, 2018 (comments)
The United States government continues the war against its own users. Hackernews is utterly outraged at the idea that some corporation somewhere can track and monitor their activity without express consent and then aggregate that data and then market predictive services to third parties based on that data even if that corporation is not based in Silicon Valley.
February 06, 2018 (comments)
Tesla finally launches a product as advertised. Hackernews, based on Youtube videos, reverse-engineers a spacecraft down to the metallurgical level and then sagely debates the maintenance characteristics of an aircraft that exited service before any of them learned to read and none of them have seen in operation, mostly derived from blog posts by people they're pretty sure knew a guy.
February 07, 2018 (comments)