webshit weekly (2019/01/14)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the second week of January, 2019.
January 07, 2019 (comments)
Still. Hackernews can't decide if this shell cribs enough code from its competitors, does not crib enough code from its competitors, or should be entirely replaced by code from its competitors. Most of the comments are complaints about the ancient version of this software that ships on their fashion accessories, even though none of them have any concrete reason to care. The rest of the comments are people recommending bad code as a reference to learn how to create time-delayed problems for other people later on.
January 08, 2019 (comments)
The petulant infant in charge of driving an American commercial institution directly into a volcano receives a six hundredth second chance. Hackernews argues extensively about whether a business with a hundred-year head start and an identical business model could possibly have stood a chance against the unavoidable ascendance of Amazon. Many other threads are devoted to pointing out that perhaps things would have gone differently, had it not been for the human barrelfish inexcusably allowed to participate in adult business transactions with actual money.
January 09, 2019 (comments)
A pensioner pretends to be able to tell birds apart. One Hackernews recounts being bullshitted by a teacher about whether penguins can fly... and comes out the other end blaming the penguins for the humiliation. A different pack of Hackernews argue over whether it is possible to domesticate animals, while the bulk of the comments -- almost a third -- wistfully speculate on whether it's possible for animals to experience human emotions. Most Hackernews express regret that they must kill and eat animals to survive, even though they're talking about a story involving an animal none of them have ever eaten. No technology is discussed.
January 10, 2019 (comments)
A grifter writes vague motivational blogspam about how to swim in money. The latest grift involves attempting to "help companies tell stories that inspire with new company," which is both a grammatical disaster and the most bullshit possible business* model. Hackernews enumerates all the ways they've tried to wring dollars from the unsuspecting, generally involving liberal application of webshit. One Hackernews realizes the grifter is in fact an e-mail spammer, but the rest of the Hackernews point out that at least it's quality spam. Another group of Hackernews debates whether money tastes better if you bleed on it first.
January 11, 2019 (comments)
A dipshit discovers that Google does not waste time or money on customer service. Hackernews staffs the lectern in shifts, explaining why it just wouldn't make any sense for Google to give a shit about the people whose money and data they collect, and it's best to just lie back and think of Adsense.
January 12, 2019 (comments)
A webshit finally pays attention to the garbage faucet, and is outraged to discover a tracking script someone else dropped in the stream. Hackernews shares in the outrage, and bickers over which domain registrar they should use to host websites. The rest of the comments are Hackernews getting nerd-sniped into escalating the surveillance webshit arms race.
January 13, 2019 (comments)
A train enthusiast sells information about trains. Hackernews knows a lot about trains -- that is, any given Hackernews who has ridden a train is an expert on that particular train.
January 14, 2019 (comments)
Some webshits make some webshit to centralize all your other webshit. Hackernews dives right in with third-party client software, since webshit is their native language. Later, it turns out the data-scraping webshit also, as it happens, collects as much possible data about every single move you make, to everyone's profound surprise. Other Hackernews pine for some kind of alien technology that would enable them to record and organize text. The problem remains unsolved.
January 14, 2019 (comments)
The Rust Evangelism Strike Force throws a fancy-dress party, where Rust dresses up as a programming language anyone wants to use for non-webshit tasks. Hackernews finds the material commendably approachable, which is a natural condition that arises from hypothetical programming. Sadly, while the article itself receives a frenzy of vote increases, the content is technical, so Hackernews observes the traditional ten-to-one vote to comment ratio. Most of the comments thirst for embedded systems development in Rust, which is of course a perfect fit for a language so elegant and lightweight that it must be implemented in six million lines of C++ grafted onto a multi-gigabyte compiler toolchain.
* business here used in the most general form, to wit: accepting someone else's money.
webshit weekly (2019/01/07)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the first week of January, 2019.
January 01, 2019 (comments)
The world celebrates as the creators and artists in our society prepare to contextualize for us the hottest trends and thought-leadership of the Harding administration. Hackernews doesn't really give a shit about the content of any of the newly-public-domain intellectual property; they're just chomping at the bit to demonstrate their nuanced and insightful mastery of the 'copyright' and 'trademark' hashtags on medium.com.
January 02, 2019 (comments)
An academic crowdsources some free copy-editing services. This is obviously a terrible and exploitative process, as evinced by the fact that n-gate does it the same way. Hackernews doesn't have much to say about the content of the book, but once the author shows up in the comments, it turns into a Q&A session about how to academia.
January 03, 2019 (comments)
A Google writes a sales brochure for Google's software engineering recruiters. Literally none of the reported 'practices' are new to Google, but at least the author gets to write in the first-person plural. Hackernews reads tea leaves to associate inexplicably unpleasant experiences with Google products with the engineering practices that might have caused them, maybe. Anyone who doesn't immediately understand a given report is given an avuncular lecture about the infirmity of Man and the necessity of a heavenly father, guiding us all from the Mountain View campus.
January 04, 2019 (comments)
An elderly* webshit lectures aspirants on the ineluctability of the nodal V8-fold path. Hackernews agrees, but can't figure out why. Lots of sage opinions are expressed, but since the primary sources of app-download metrics and the primary sources of webshit-traffic metrics have every reason to juke their stats, Hackernews is doomed to strive in ignorance, with only blogspam like this to guide them.
January 05, 2019 (comments)
A journalist is still mad about the Jets leaving Hofstra. Hackernews thinks the article is about whatever town they live in, so most of the comments are about San Francisco. The largest comment thread is devoted to debating whether the citizens of a democracy have the authority to legislate the behavior of an elected government.
January 06, 2019 (comments)
A mid-career* games developer provides advice at a rate of approximately eight words per day since grad school. A Hackernews wants people to try a specific university-course approach, but the rest of the pack insists that the only way to learn any topic is by rigorously following the exact protocol that any given Hackernews followed, and any other approach is doomed to failure.
January 07, 2019 (comments)
GitHub gives us permission to keep our shit to ourselves, as long as we don't work together on any of it. Hackernews regards this move as a major business modification, since GitHub had previously worked very hard to convince these clods that anyone at all was paying for this garbage. Throwing that hypothetical revenue in the trash is regarded as brilliant, pending Hackernews' analysis of what Microsoft is playing at here.
* - elderly, adj. possessed of more than five years of experience.
* - mid-career, adj. possessed of approximately six months of experience.
webshit weekly (2018/12/31)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the last week of December, 2018.
December 22, 2018 (comments)
A webshit conflates America and the New York Times. Hackernews contains many ideas about why other countries pay so much attention to America, all of which are completely informed by whatever the commenter remembers from secondary-school economics classes. Most Hackernews opt to bikeshed the pictograph, which leads to some wonderful new phrases, my favorite of which is about how a "line chart would forgo the act of scrolling which would eliminate the narrative feel" of a gigantic series of flags.
December 23, 2018 (comments)
The United States Congress finally and irrevocably repairs every present and potential problem with government data by demanding that computers can read it. Hackernews performs post-mortems on all the previous times the world's problems were solved by putting data into computers.
December 24, 2018 (comments)
An Internet manages to come up with a valid reason to own a robotic vacuum cleaner. Because most of the content is technical, Hackernews has almost nothing to say about it, aside from generally being pleased about it. To pass the time, they discuss methods of preventing comment spam instead.
December 25, 2018 (comments)
A credulous journalist continues the centuries-old tradition of reporting the very latest wild-ass guess about how sleep works. Hackernews doesn't slow down to read anything, much less an 1800-word treatise on sleep -- not when Hackernews has their own 1800-word treatises on sleep to post. A very large thread is derived from reports on the behavior of a handful of employees one Hackernews micromanages for a living. Most of the comments are people comparing the article in question to whichever such article the commenter encountered first.
December 26, 2018 (comments)
The United States Department of Health & Human Services finally and irrevocably repairs every present and potential problem with health care costs by demanding that humans can read them with computers. Hackernews recounts every fistfight they've ever had with an insurance company and trades hand-to-hand combat tips for surviving the experience. A few Hackernews recount heavenly examples of healthcare nirvana experienced in foreign lands, but for some reason they came back.
December 27, 2018 (comments)
A Google experiments with cutting-edge development methodologies: "understanding the code" and "documenting the code." Hackernews hails these innovations as further proof of the timeless nature of Google's natural place at the forefront of all human endeavor. Elsewhere in the comments, Hackernews formulates the Law of Conservation of Complexity, then debates where the dark matter might be hiding in Kubernetes. Theories abound, impromptu abbreviations are created to describe various flavors of complexity, and hundreds of comments appear whining that other developers never document anything well enough. Hackernews, of course, is fastidious in their documentation practices, unless they get distracted or bored.
December 28, 2018 (comments)
A webshit decides to learn how computers work outside of web browsers, and makes a list of target topics to study. Hackernews pretends to like the idea, but it's not about something really important like the pursuit of sleep or new books about project management, so they don't have a lot to say. Everyone decides to talk about webshit instead.
December 29, 2018 (comments)
A webshit makes a font that is designed for user interfaces, which is font-nerd equivalent of writing a Hello World program. Hackernews spends a little while arguing over whether and how to configure CSS to do things that are built into the computer. Of course, new versions of CSS will support this native thing natively Real Soon Now. Once the incisive technical debate is over, Hackernews gets back to bikeshedding ligatures, which is all anyone really wanted out of a font story.
December 30, 2018 (comments)
A man has died, so Hackernews presses the upvote arrow, since that's the closest approximation of human emotion any of them have. Although the deceased leaves behind a lifetime of great work, Hackernews hasn't ever heard the name, so they don't have as much to say about this as they do about, for example, some webshit's font hobby. One comment is from someone who met the deceased, but nobody responds, because everyone is too busy incorrecting each other about networks.
December 31, 2018 (comments)
A wealthy tenant moves out of Cupertino's garden. Hackernews recognizes Apple's rent-seeking business model for what it is, but is primarily outraged that this change might cause them to have to do business with someone who isn't Apple. The rest of Hackernews rejoices, believing that this is the beginning of the revolution which will end in their regaining control of their pocket computers. No word is handed down as to whether Netflix will accept Apple Pay.
Better luck next year.