webshit weekly (2020/07/07)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the first week of July, 2020.
July 01, 2020 (comments)
Mozilla (business model: "Uber for Also-rans") disagrees with the United States Government's plan to drive as much innovation overseas as possible. It's not clear why Mozilla cares, as it is not in the innovation business. The claim is that Mozilla does not want to install government surveillance colonoscopes in all its products, but given that Mozilla's share of the browser market has recently fallen behind that of Ben & Jerry's nobody knows which users the government would be spying on exactly. Hackernews shares methods for browbeating uninterested acquaintances into agreeing with Mozilla. Other Hackernews argue over which federal representatives are assholes about computers (turns out it's all of them). The United States Government continues the war against its own users.
July 02, 2020 (comments)
Microsoft stays ahead of US Government policy by just spying on everyone in reach. Hackernews rushes to point out that this is not a case of nefarious behavior, but instead is an example of shitty programming, which Hackernews cannot in good conscience criticize, since shitty programming is the foundation of all of their jobs. Hackernews spends some time bitching about LinkedIn, which they all continue to use no matter how bad it is, until that conversation turns into a heated debate regarding exactly how big an asshole it's appropriate for phone software to be.
July 03, 2020 (comments)
An Internet is confused by Google's Amp con. Hackernews doesn't like Amp either, but Google sees it as a wonderful opportunity to replace the confusing "address bar" user experience with whatever the hell Google wants. Hackernews insists that Google is not the only Amp vendor, which we are apparently supposed to interpret to mean that Amp is not a dastardly plot where Google uses its browser and search engine to bully news sites into doing business with Google. This explanation fails to account for the fact that Amp is a dastardly plot where Google uses its browser and search engine to bully news sites into doing business with Google, but Hackernews accepts it anyway.
July 04, 2020 (comments)
A webshit displays an atrocity menagerie. Hackernews complains about Electron. The rest of the comments celebrate the atrocities.
July 05, 2020 (comments)
An Internet suggests that the proper response to an inappropriate engine might not be adding more wheels. Hackernews can sense a kernel of wisdom here, but struggles to correctly determine what it is. Dozens of comments grapple with identifying the precise method to determine when and how your software has been written incorrectly, but since the official Hackernews selection method is "do whatever React documentation suggests" they're at a bit of a loss what to do about it. Maybe try Vue again?
July 06, 2020 (comments)
Google gives away the razor factory so they can expand the shaving cream market. Hackernews regards the sad state of computer hardware design to be the fault of people being insufficiently willing to do work for free en masse. The rest of the comments comprise Hackernews Invents Economics Episode 56,392, with an after-credits scene wherein they attempt to select the appropriate neolithic computer engineering techniques with which to assault Intel's low-earth-orbit aircraft carrier.
July 07, 2020 (comments)
Youtube continues the war against its own users. Hackernews relates all of the abuses they've suffered at the hands of a faceless corporate void, but some Googles arrive in the comments to explain to us that the things Youtube does are just too hard to do because Youtube is so incredibly successful. Despite this explanation making absolutely no sense, a surprising number of Hackernews are extremely receptive to the idea that the natural evolution of rampant success is miserable failure, sustained indefinitely. Several dozen comments, as one might expect to see when Hackernews is discussing Google, constitute an extended attempt to crowdsource the nature of God. A few Hackernews suggest not using the unreliable services provided by an incompetent pack of assholes, but the Hackernews Armchair Economics League arrives to explain how impossible that is.
webshit weekly (2020/06/30)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the last week of June, 2020.
June 22, 2020 (comments)
A pseudointellectual shuts down an empathy-removal training camp to deter the likelihood of spilling compromising information to detractors and ethics committees. Hackernews, many of whom took their first steps toward absolutely dehumanizing the Other in this very camp, sadly reminisces about the particular word salads that first showed them their own inherent greatness. Hackernews segments into several work crews: one to explain why all journalists should be exiled to outer space, one to make guesses about the 'real reason' the training camp was evacuated, one to bemoan the difficulty of maintaining anonymity in the face of highly-profitable shitposting under two-thirds of your actual name, and one to remind us that taking responsibility for the things we do and say is a wasteful hobby for stupid babies.
June 23, 2020 (comments)
A webshit single-handedly invents a completely novel method of monetizing software development: charging money for it and including documentation. This results in a fully-illustrated two-thousand-word explanation of the miraculous revelation, of which Hackernews is equal parts derisive (because the webshit is insufficiently rich as a result of this effort) and overtly contemptuous (because receiving money in exchange for labor is some kind of sucker's game). The pictures are pretty, though, so Hackernews votes for the article anyway.
June 24, 2020 (comments)
Apple accidentally dimes out one of their biggest customers. The resulting furor makes everyone mad at the customer. Hackernews is upset less by the fact that TikTok (business model: "Uber for Vine") is collecting scads of information it doesn't need and more by the fact that other companies Hackernews actually likes are doing the same thing. As for Apple, Hackernews can't figure out why they would enable this obviously shitty behavior, until clarity is finally reached: Apple is shipping all your shit to the central government of a genocidal dictatorship* so that you'll get mad at software, which Apple can then beat up on your behalf.
June 25, 2020 (comments)
A webshit is mad that Apple is redirecting people from some parasitic intercessor to an actual trade association. Hackernews lists about twelve million similar niche search terms which Apple incorrects for them, then spends a couple hundred comments crowdsourcing a lead on which side of some terrible neural network A/B test they're on. Some Apples show up in the comment to explain that nobody cares unless you sign up for a developer account.
June 26, 2020 (comments)
June 27, 2020 (comments)
Some webshits are excited that someone gave money to Indistinguishable Web Forum Software Package number 16,939,392. Hackernews debates whether this will attract really shitty people of the sort who are famous for getting their Reddit forums closed. It won't, because those people just move to different Reddit forums with slightly different names until the next time a news outlet realizes what a horrific nightmare farm Reddit is. Most of the remaining comments are specific complaints about Reddit or links to other Indistinguishable Web Forum Software Packages nobody uses either.
June 28, 2020 (comments)
Some webshits take an existing webshit graphics library and extend it to produce even worse output involving XML. Hackernews enjoys the needlessly-constrained retro vibe of the results, notices that it works slightly better for people who cannot distinguish colors (but would continue to do so without rubbing XML all over it), and has absolutely nothing else to say on the matter.
June 29, 2020 (comments)
The government of India shits upon Chinese cyberwarfare assets from a great height. Hackernews is perplexed as to why a government would consider China (a nuclear power bent on ethnic cleansing, territory expansion, and absolute totalitarianism) would be regarded as a threat, while large corporations (international clubs of people who enjoy money) would not, despite those two things being, to Hackernews, indistinguishable. What follows is a slow-motion meltdown as half of Hackernews tries to explain to the other half of Hackernews that 'morality' is a concept that can exist independently of key performance indicators, strategic directives, sprint goals, or initial coin offerings. The message does not sink in.
June 30, 2020 (comments)
An Internet steps away from the helm of a popular malware vector library. Hackernews is not sure that the software can survive in the face of consensus-based leadership, not sure that the software in question should currently exist, and not sure the software in question should ever have existed, but is absolutely positive that they have seen the word 'Redis' somewhere and so this story gets a vote. Later, Hackernews debates whether software engineering as a discipline can continue to exist since Those People (You Know Who) are mean to techbros on Twitter.
* China. The genocidal dictatorship is China. The government of China is violently evil, is what I'm getting at.
webshit weekly (2020/06/21)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the third week of June, 2020.
June 15, 2020 (comments)
Adobe beats a dead horse. Hackernews spends the afternoon either eulogizing the horse or describing their horrible plans to reanimate its corpse. Since watching webshit cartoons from dying forums is the closest thing Hackernews has to a shared childhood experience, a tremendous amount of labor is wasted in pursuit of the latter. Other Hackernews prefer to pontificate on ex post facto explanations for Apple's visionary refusal to put a shitload of engineering effort into someone else's application platform. Whether the genius of Apple was deployed in pursuit of technical excellence or for the good of all mankind remains Hackernews' highest-stakes debate.
June 16, 2020 (comments)
June 17, 2020 (comments)
A hero arrives to tell us what to buy. Hackernews agrees with the webshit's opinion, but isn't convinced by the webshit's reasoning. We're treated to a cavalcade of incredibly specific reasons that Hackernews prefers a given monitor configuration, with the only possible conclusion being that we should continue doing whatever we were doing before, with absolutely no regard to the original webshit's insistence that there is a right answer.
June 18, 2020 (comments)
Mozilla, a company known only for producing a perennial also-ran of a web browser, continues to avoid the only task that would ever be worth their time (improving the goddamn browser) and instead builds yet another half-assed networking product that nobody asked for. It will either bankrupt the company or be shut down shortly before they get through the invite-only list of idiots who have agreed to introduce a Mozillan indirection layer to the Cloudflare DNS data collection initiative. Hackernews is desperate to give money to Mozilla, but is apparently unwilling to just donate to the nonprofit, instead demanding subpar imitations of other Google services.
June 19, 2020 (comments)
A webshit is mad that Apple gets to do whatever the fuck it wants with its servers. Rather than just paying them, a startup decides that rules-lawyering and social media will work, and definitely will not cause Apple to play Lucy to their Charlie Brown. Hackernews is on their side but unwilling to believe there's any way to change Apple's behavior short of a government occupation of Cupertino. Here follows another twelve hours of extemporaneous play-by-plays of imaginary chess games.
June 20, 2020 (comments)
Some webshits explain to us that advanced computer science degrees are unnecessary, and proceed to recommend reading books and watching videos produced as part of advanced computer science degree programs. We are further informed that if we absolutely require actual instruction, we may pay the webshits a chunk of money instead. Hackernews also has strong opinions regarding how people should spend their time and money, but there is one point of consensus: absolutely nothing matters except how much money someone is willing to give you when you are done. A couple of mavericks enjoy 'creating new knowledge,' but they're disregarded as irrelevant.
June 21, 2020 (comments)
Some webshits don't like email. Hackernews can't decide if they also hate email or if it's the only part of the internet worth using. Since the webshits are delivering their email-related complaints via a parody of the startup who was mad at Apple a couple days before, Hackernews upvotes the joke, but since the webshit here is almost entirely devoid of actual content, there are not many comments about it.