webshit weekly (2021/01/14)

An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the second week of January, 2021.

Permanent suspension of @realDonaldTrump
January 08, 2021 (comments)
Twitter begins oppressing the most vulnerable and defenseless segment of society: the President of the United States. Hackernews is outraged at every aspect of this action; not only is it wrong to kick an asshole off a chat website, the chat website didn't write a good enough essay about kicking the asshole off, and having the kicked the asshole off, the chat website did not immediately kick off a handful of other people Hackernews thinks are assholes. The users of "Hacker" "News", a website which regularly bans users, predict that banning users from chat websites is the surest sign of a global failure in government.

Amazon, Apple and Google Cut Off Parler
January 09, 2021 (comments)
Several extremely popular information technology service companies decline to do business with a pack of shitheads. The "Hacker" "News" hall monitor announces that more users than ever before are being banned from the site at an unprecedented rate. Nevertheless, Hackernews posts three and a half thousand comments, which surprisingly boil down to two basic types: Hackernews who hold opinions so strongly that they can no longer tell them apart from facts, and Hackernews who are convinced that the only proper ethical compass is one you build from first principles; a consistent moral code, asserts Hackernews, is based entirely on pedantic adherence to logical structure. If the resulting construct directly leads to human misery, at least you're not a hypocrite!

GNOME has no thumbnails in the file picker and my toilets are blocked
January 10, 2021 (comments)
An Internet is still mad at some programmers. Hackernews decides they know the real reason the programmers are wrong, and over a thousand people take turns explaining their extremely specific pet peeve. Each niche complaint is described as a symptom of the deeper disease: programmers are still writing programs without consulting Hackernews! The sooner we put a stop to this, we are assured, the sooner these meaningless complaints will stop circulating. The rest of the comments are from Hackernews who like things the way they are and threaten to start complaining if anyone changes anything.

Stealing Your Private YouTube Videos, One Frame at a Time
January 11, 2021 (comments)
A webshit gets paid for using an API. Hackernews is extremely interested in getting paid to use an API, but does not have anything significant to discuss on the topic, so they argue about the size of the paycheck instead..

Signal community: Reminder: Please be nice
January 12, 2021 (comments)
The administrators of a web forum tell their users to stop being assholes, and along the way conflate violent hate speech with being rude. The web forum in question is dedicated to a chat app so bad that its users had to make a web forum to talk to one another. Hackernews, of course, knows exactly how to handle asshole users, and is happy to lecture on the topic at length. Meanwhile, other Hackernews try to blame rude users on a specific country, for some reason.

Response to “WireGuard: great protocol, but skip the Mac app”
January 13, 2021 (comments)
An Internet is mad at some software on Christmas. Weeks later, Hackernews decides to notice and/or care. The resulting comment thread is Hackernews' recurring "walled gardens are bad" versus "walled gardens are the only reason to live" debate. Since Hackernews is still angry that their favorite cryptoracist fuckwits got chased off the Internet, Apple and Google take more of a beating than usual. Later, Hackernews argues about which computers or telephones they would buy if they lived in an alternate universe where non-Apple products are sold.

We don't need data scientists, we need data engineers
January 14, 2021 (comments)
A webshit bikesheds some job ads. Hackernews pays close attention so they can use just the right buzzwords when they push their 50,000-line node.js resume template to Github. It would be embarrassing if they changed terminology between pushing to the repo and blogging about it on Substack!

webshit weekly (2021/01/07)

An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the first week of January, 2021.

My Experience at Apple
January 01, 2021 (comments) (archive since the coward deleted it)
An Internet posts the heartwarming story of having narrowly escaped a career working for Apple. Hackernews relates every bad workplace experience they've ever had. Later, Hackernews decides to attack the author of the original article, including deciding that the author must be insane. Hackernews' proof? Questionable typopgraphy.

How to overcome Phone Addiction
January 02, 2021 (comments)
Hackernews is now just voting up spam blogs, just so they can talk about their favorite smartphone software. Most of it consists of programs designed to inhibit the functionality of the device you bought. One Hackernews is mad that the Marines exist, which seems like a reasonable position. This seemed to be a reasonable position until it became evident that Hackernews had the United States Marines confused with murderous robots, when the proper reason to be mad that the Marines exist is that the Army already has a perfectly serviceable infantry.

Uber discovered they’d been defrauded out of 2/3 of their ad spend
January 03, 2021 (comments)
The headline is unclear: the numbers in question involve Uber's $150MM online ad budget. In addition, Uber was in fact defrauded out of 100% of their online advertising budget, because every dollar you spend on online advertising may as well have been flushed down the toilet. Since Hackernews' entire life revolves around using Uber to commute to their adtech day job, then using Uber to get to their kickball league with their adtech startup co-conspirators, then using Uber to get back to their loft, this story captivates Hackernews wholly. Half the comments are from Hackernews who are aware that online advertising is worthless and the other half are from other Hackernews insisting the first half is mistaken.

A group of Google workers have announced plans to unionize
January 04, 2021 (comments)
A fraction of a percent of Google's employees build a labor union out of cardboard boxes and packing tape. Google managers begin carefully documenting all of the subpar work output and general behavior problems these employees will have demonstrated by the time someone gets around to firing them. Hackernews has some kind of emotional meltdown over the idea that anyone who knows how to type javascript into a computer would refuse to pretend they are uniquely irreplaceable golden children. Along the way, we are able to determine that Hackernews is not in fact positive what a labor union is, but is happy to tell us what they think other people assume labor unions are. No technology is discussed.

GitHub is fully available in Iran
January 05, 2021 (comments)
Microsoft expands the pool of lower-income nations they can exploit. A Microsoft arrives in the Hackernews comments to handle bug requests personally, both because there isn't anything better to do with Microsoft's time and because Hackernews comprises the majority of the population of people dumb enough to pay for Github Pro accounts. Hackernews relates every story they have ever heard involving Iran.

WhatsApp gives users an ultimatum: Share data with Facebook or stop using app
January 06, 2021 (comments)
Facebook continues the war on its own users. Hackernews is absolutely positive this is the most interesting and important thing to happen on January 6, 2021. There is nothing else that even comes close to being as important as this to talk about on January 6, 2021. Nothing else is even remotely this crucial -- it received 110% the votes of the next-highest-ranked story. A change in the terms of service of a fucking chat program is definitely, for sure, the most important event of January 6, 2021. What could possibly be as important as Facebook software policies? Nothing! Not on January 6, 2021, that's for damn sure!

No meetings, no deadlines, no full-time employees
January 07, 2021 (comments)
Gumroad (business model: "Uber for Etsy") explains why it's such a pain in the ass to interact with Gumroad in any meaningful way. Hackernews realizes this country doesn't provide health care and flips the fuck out. Then Hackernews realizes the author basically scammed some venture capitalists and gullible staff into building out a business that put the author firmly into the leisure class, and fights break out over whether this is evil, genius, evil genius, or just sort of a dick move.

webshit weekly (2020/12/31)

An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the last week of December, 2020.

Hotwire: HTML over the Wire
December 22, 2020 (comments)
After decades of study, some webshits discover a method of sending HTML to a web browser and having the browser render it. Hackernews scrambles to the comment section to explain to us that this is not just the way shit was supposed to work in the first place: it is a special kind of innovation involving a very complex calculus involving dozens of factors Hackernews previously used to justify doing stupid shit with javascript.

Tips for a Better Life
December 23, 2020 (comments)
Some asshole with a Wordpress account has arrived to enlighten us via numbered list. Hackernews loves the bumper-sticker model of personal development, and pastes quotes from the Wordpress site for each other to read. No technology is discussed.

Ruby 3.0
December 24, 2020 (comments)
A programming language gets slightly faster to run and remains moderately unreadable. Hackernews gets paid to type in this language, so they obviously care about the release of a new version, but there is nothing interesting in the release, so they wax poetic about the meaning and impact this Perl knockoff has had on their lives.

Dasung just released a 25 inch eInk monitor
December 25, 2020 (comments)
Anyone finally makes a decent computer monitor. Contrary to the Reddit headline, nothing is "released"; we are instead treated to a propaganda film featuring a product we may not have. Hackernews, as usual, has to explain how e-ink works, suss out what differentiates it from other display mechanisms, and reprosecute the concept of patent law.

California Public Utilities Commission fired director who exposed missing $200M
December 26, 2020 (comments)
The State of California, continuing its war against its own users, uncovers a traitor in its ranks. Hackernews complains about punctuation marks in email messages and then declares that nothing will ever improve until Republicans control the Californian government. The rest of the comments are either other Hackernews asking how that would be any different or spitballing legislative changes that might enable this.

Just Wanted to Say Thanks
December 27, 2020 (comments)
Some computer nerds fondle each other in public. Hackernews thinks it's about time people expressed thankfulness for the endless wave of overcomplicated shit they write to ease the deployment and use of the endless wave of shit they wrote.

Why Is There a Bucatini Shortage in America?
December 28, 2020 (comments)
An asshole takes four thousand words to say "because hipster pasta is a pain to make and one of the suppliers got in trouble for not meeting federal food standards." Hackernews regards this completely uninteresting chain of events to be evidence of the abject and ultimate failure of the government of the United States of America. To finish the evening, Hackernews gets mad that different countries have different safety standards, and decides that "protectionism" is to blame.

Do You Love Me? [video]
December 29, 2020 (comments)
Boston Dynamics posts more home videos of their pets. Hackernews is sad they can't afford similar pets.

Four-day week means 'I don't waste holidays on chores'
December 30, 2020 (comments)
An actual professional news organization reports that people who don't work as much have time to do more things outside of work. Hackernews tries to decide how to find the right balance between getting paid and being happy. As usual, some assholes who can't tell the difference show up to complain about people who can.

Bitcoin is a disaster
December 31, 2020 (comments)
An Internet summarizes the obvious. Several Hackernews consider Dunning-Krugerrand to be an essential technology. Coincidentally, all of the Hackernews who feel that way are from failed states. The rest of the positive opinions come from Hackernews who were trying to buy garbage from other countries without actually owning any of that country's currency, a problem whose solution is clearly worth devoting the energy resources of a small European nation.

Better luck next year.