webshit weekly (2018/06/21)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the third week of June, 2018.
June 15, 2018 (comments)
Some webshits strike one more task off the list of things they have to do outside a browser. Hackernews, longtime fans of text editors that are essentially web browsers to begin with, are all super excited about a future in which they don't even have to pretend to use non-browser programs. A few sullen reprobates are not immediately overjoyed with the news, but they're quickly shouted down by professional computer programmers explaining that nobody likes to use computers because they're inexplicably hard.
June 16, 2018 (comments)
Some idiots declare that everyone's sleep schedule is 5% wrong, and that more sleep would make everyone happier, except sad people, who need less sleep. Hackernews nods along to the story and recounts stories about all the times they were too oblivious to realize their health was fucked. Fortunately, each Hackernews has a unique and unassailable recommendation for an ebook, podcast, or religious experiment guaranteed to fix what ails you.
June 17, 2018 (comments)
Somebody lies on the internet. The lie details a situation in which the narrator doesn't do anything productive, spends the days deceiving colleagues to engender respect, and is paid well for no reason. Hackernews relates to this narrative spectacularly well, and is eager to contribute their autobiographies to the burgeoning folklore of corporate parasites, bureaucratic bottom-feeders, 'founders,' and other complete wastes of Bay Area bunk space. Afterwards, Hackernews links each other to other stories of people being clever enough to extract low-effort money from people who trusted them.
June 18, 2018 (comments)
Google thinks that's some nice content you've got there, and it would be a shame if something were to happen to it. Hackernews agrees, but doesn't think strongarming the content creators is enough -- what's needed is revocation of entire sections of European copyright law, for some reason. Apparently the law as written would unfairly require YouTube to perform automatic content scanning it already performs. Hackernews acknowledges that this has nothing to do with Google demanding that content owners opt into Google's advertising program, but it's easier for them to envision overthrowing every government on the entire European continent than it is even to consider challenging Google's behavior out loud.
June 19, 2018 (comments)
A computer-toucher describes being inconvenienced by a computer. Hackernews debates whether webcams are racist, then pedantically sifts through the original story to find things to be outraged about. The rest of the comments are similar stories about even more people unwilling to interfere with obviously idiotic practices.
June 19, 2018 (comments)
Some video creators decline to be extorted. A Hackernews who appears to defend Google for a living arrives to accuse the rest of Hackernews of being unreasonably mean to an eight hundred billion dollar global corporation. The rest of Hackernews frantically tries to find anything at all to focus on except how quickly Google will take a shit on anyone who isn't making them enough money.
June 20, 2018 (comments)
A journalist, deep in the middle pages of the New York Times, pretends that we can fix the unending hell of modern webshit by using a slightly different web browser. Hackernews agrees, and encourages all of us to use every piece of software we can find to counteract the shitty tracking and autoplaying video that Hackernews makes for a living, because if you stopped fighting it, the arms race would end and Hackernews would have to do something productive for a living instead.
June 21, 2018 (comments)
A bureaucrat wastes everyone's time. Hackernews complains that they don't get enough attention.
webshit weekly (2018/06/14)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the second week of June, 2018.
June 08, 2018 (comments)
June 09, 2018 (comments)
A webshit gets fantastically bored. Hackernews is also bored, so they bikeshed the design of common household items for a few hours, diverting along the way to reinvent various barely-related things they saw once. Periodically, Hackernews pauses to reflect on how smart they all are.
June 10, 2018 (comments)
Some well-meaning idiots recommend a pile of Android software you can install on your Android device in order to pretend that Google doesn't have your entire life in a vice. A Mozilla shows up to warn everyone that using Firefox features will probably cause websites to behave strangely, but no explanation is offered regarding how this is any different from using a Mozilla product at all. Hackernews pretends to reverse engineer the tracking methods they all create for a living, then gets angry that the idiots didn't just recommend buying Apple products instead. After a while, the Google apologists arrive to explain to everyone that it's in their best interest to relax and just let it all happen.
June 11, 2018 (comments)
Some bureaucrats exert the will of their masters. Hackernews is entirely populated with telecommunications policy experts, all of whose opinions are firmly rooted in the current contents of the Wikipedia article on net neutrality. Some Hackernews are outraged at the very notion that the ruling party might use executive fiat to flagrantly destroy hallowed laws of nature (installed via the previous ruling party's executive fiat). The rest are relatively collected, presumably because the Hackernews Popularity Contest finalists haven't yet issued position statements on medium.com.
June 12, 2018 (comments)
Hackernews notices some software, and maintains a respectful reverence for the software and hardware of the respective era. Nobody misses the opportunities to rattle off the games they loved in their youth, or the computers that ran them. Absolutely none of the technical lessons available from examining any of the mentioned technology are considered or even noticed, except for one Hackernews who thinks we can build a better personal computer if we'd just leave out the CPU and connect the keyboard via gigabit Ethernet.
June 13, 2018 (comments)
Some academics realize that Bitcoin Idiots, LLC can easily manipulate the pretend value of fake money. Hackernews is ecstatic that anyone is paying attention and misconstrue the bemused analysis of academia as external validation of the core concepts. Some full-on conspiracy theorists arrive, chanting the international nutjob mantra, "media narrative," not explaining what possible reason anyone in the media has to take any position at all regarding what nerds do with ASICs in the night. Most Hackernews are content merely to opine that the contents of the newspaper article and the research it describes must be wildly off-base, because Hackernews didn't write it.
June 14, 2018 (comments)
A city decides to build some infrastructure. Hackernews still has the telecommunications Wikipedia articles open from earlier in the week, so they take a day off to incorrect each other about how much it costs to dig ditches and drop cables into them. A sidebar is held for those Hackernews who are considering moving cities just to get a faster internet connection. A handful of locals whine about traffic.
webshit weekly (2018/06/07)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the first week of June, 2018.
June 01, 2018 (comments)
Hackernews examines the scratch pad of a group of webshits willing to help Mozilla bolt yet more random bullshit to the side of the only Mozilla project anyone has ever noticed. Hackernews doesn't really care whether it ever works, as long as they get to bikeshed the implementation details and argue about administrative minutiae. When they're done incorrecting one another about networking, they line up to namedrop every webshit fad in current vogue, hoping to convince Mozilla to bolt new, different random bullshit to a web browser.
June 02, 2018 (comments)
A photographer narrates a slideshow in excruciating detail, then shows up in the Hackernews comments to be excited that someone noticed. Hackernews votes for the story because it's from MIT, but has next to nothing to say about it because none of them understood any of it. Some of them get distracted using a common software tool to reimplement the tool's own command line arguments.
June 03, 2018 (comments)
A near-monopoly closed-source software company, fed up with trying to seem like a good corporate citizen by releasing source code of their worst programs, is acquired by Microsoft. Hackernews is either terrified or cautiously optimistic, based exclusively on whether they've received money from Microsoft in the past. Some time is spent pretending they have opinions about the business implications of the acquisition, but almost all of the discussion has a different focus: warnings from people who have been fucked ruthlessly by large software companies, and complaints about the unfairness of those opinions, mostly by people who haven't yet had their turn in the barrel. A brief sidebar is held on the topic of decentralized internet services, wherein Hackernews explains that services are mostly centralized because of the ineffable will of society, and not because programmers aren't smart enough to build interoperable software.
June 04, 2018 (comments)
Microsoft, responding to the tremendous outpouring of user feedback about their acquisition of Github, finds the perfect person to ensure that none of it is acted upon or even heard: a GNOME developer. The announcement is illustrated, for some reason, only with a 3-megapixel photograph nearly a megabyte in size. Hackernews decides that the future of Github is safe in the hands of this person, because some of them have seen that name somewhere on the internet once. The rest of the comments are copied and pasted from the previous day's thread.
June 05, 2018 (comments)
A small child hemorrhages boilerplate indoctrination for entry-level bureaucrats. Hackernews carefully upvotes the article to ensure maximum exposure; the most important management skill in Hackernews' arsenal is deriding other people's management advice based on how much it differs from whatever boilerplate indoctrination they received when they were first promoted away from the ability to directly fuck up their employers' software. The small child arrives in the comment threads to not defend any of the content.
June 06, 2018 (comments)
Some webshits presumably talk for half an hour about all the things they fucked up; I'm not watching this shit. Hackernews explores reasons why programmers can't seem to stop fucking everything up in nearly identical ways on every project in wide use. The consensus is that this must be some fundamental atomic force at work, because it can't possibly just be a pack of shitheads with no self control failing exactly like the previous packs of shitheads with no self control. The Rust Evangelism Strike Force flirts with the idea of a campaign here, but doesn't have the heart for it, since they're in the process of making all the same mistakes, in the same order, for the same reasons.
June 07, 2018 (comments)
Having been shamed into walking away from a lucrative murder automation contract, The Google of Google blogs about how that was totally the plan from the beginning, you guys. The article contains a weasel-worded declaration of intent to avoid surveillance, which contains so many qualifications and escape hatches that it must have taken days to type through the tears of laughter. Hackernews can't decide if they buy this bullshit; on the one hand, this document is so transparently meaningless as to be obvious public relations fodder, but on the other hand, Hackernews isn't really sure how to exist without function (i, s, o, g, r, a, m) so it's probably best not to rock the boat too much. See you at Google I/O! Until they rename it to better align with brand values, after which: see you at Google C4ISR!