webshit weekly (2021/04/14)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the second week of April, 2021.
April 08, 2021 (comments)
A webshit writes a Lovecraftian horror story about a simple web service sprouting tendrils from hellish dimensions unknowable to human experience. Hackernews argues about the proper selection of free hosting tiers amongst a diverse selection of webshit services to ensure availability approaching a ten-dollar virtual machine. Other Hackernews appreciate the dozens -- possibly hundreds -- of awful decisions that led to the concluding monstrosity in the article, and are grateful for the advice.
April 09, 2021 (comments)
Studies indicate that adblockers work better on browsers which don't contain millions of dollars of engineering devoted to undermining adblockers. Hackernews discusses alternative solutions for blocking ads, since they're wholly incapable of going a single day without using Google Chrome. Other Hackernews are pissed that previous adblockers tools have been discontinued, and want you to know. The rest of the comments are people arguing about which web browser they use. Turns out it's all of them, but mostly Chrome.
April 10, 2021 (comments)
A webshit is mad that programmers can't seem to get their shit together at work. The article, as a bonus, contains a hilarious comment claiming that typing programs into computers is a class of problem that requires more planning than mere "physical engineering" products. I'm not big on meditation but I strongly recommend a medium-quality cigar and a decent glass of scotch while you consider how a person's mind must work to compare, for instance, Twitter with, as an example, the Hoover Dam, and then shit out that marvelous opinion. Hackernews posts a few hundred comments insisting that their work environment is the most common work environment, and everyone else's experience consists entirely of outliers.
April 11, 2021 (comments)
An Internet conclusively proves that C++ was a mistake. Along the way, Rust is named as an accomplice. Hackernews is pretty sure this is a joke, which is something they're not particularly comfortable with, so there are almost no comments.
April 12, 2021 (comments)
An Internet realizes that Paul Graham doesn't have anything to say about any topic unrelated to how correct Paul Graham is. Hackernews has a lot to say about why poor people deserve to live in hell, which outmoded economic theories can be slightly misunderstood in order to justify starvation in first-world countries, why poor people would just fuck everything up if they ever got any money, which specific family members are best sacrificed in the pursuit of fuck-you money, and why sacrifice isn't enough, because you need some kind of elusive Business Gene no matter what you do.
April 13, 2021 (comments)
Nintendo scales new heights in the war against its own users, releasing a website with text in two languages, readable in neither. Hackernews posts three comments about the beautiful sentiment the website espouses (something about how great it is to be rich for a hundred years, it's not clear or important) and then posts two hundred comments complaining about the website not working correctly on anything but specific generations of iPhone.
April 14, 2021 (comments)
A dumbass gets locked out of someone else's video site, so turns to someone else's shitposting cesspit to complain about it. Hackernews debates whether it is possible to have a functioning society without needlessly-aggressive automated moderation tools hovering over heavily centralized ad networks beholden to one specific company into whose hands the entire Internet is bequeathed. After a few hundred strained analogies, the answer appears to be 'no.'
webshit weekly (2021/04/07)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the first week of April, 2021.
April 01, 2021 (comments)
An Internet feeds gibberish into a computer and formats the resulting gibberish in TrueType. Hackernews votes for the result because it's possibly the least obnoxious April Fool's Day joke, and then spends the rest of the comments arguing about why text is.
April 02, 2021 (comments)
Hackernews circles back and declares that this was the April Fools story they meant to vote for. In it, some Microsofts litter in private businesses. One Hackernews remembers the original event, and the rest of Hackernews debate whether or not this entire story is a pointless lie. Later, another Hackernews recount the hilarious story of trying to ruin someone else's career.
April 03, 2021 (comments)
Facebook (business model: "Uber for Radicalization") continues its war against its own users. In this edition, casualty reports from a 2019 assault are made public. It is not clear whether Facebook regrets having its customers' data taken or whether Facebook regrets having its customers' data taken for free. Hackernews believes that people should stop trying to prevent their private information from being stolen, because the alternatives are impossible; Facebook would have to have a competent security implementation (which is not possible for PHP-related software), or people's private data would have to be worth less money (which is incompatible with every single business model in Silicon Valley), or people would have to stop using Facebook (which cannot happen because Facebook is the only way to pretend people you met twice in 2004 care about you).
April 04, 2021 (comments)
Some scientists make some progress. Hackernews still hasn't worn the shine off their Armchair Epidemiology Club membership cards, and so takes this opportunity to write some more fanfiction about vaccine development. Someone wants to know why drugs cost so much, and Hackernews patiently explains that it is because Americans prefer it that way. The rest of the comments are Hackernews incorrecting one another about microbiology, often while citing URLs whose content contradicts the comment itself.
April 05, 2021 (comments)
The Supreme Court of the United States is pretty tired, and decides to watch some TV and then hit the sack. Most of Hackernews either works for, competes with, or has applied for positions in at least one of the two companies in the headline, and so this story receives four thousand votes and a thousand comments, none of which contain any accurate analysis of any aspect of this case. Since the case in question was decided with a resounding "computers are hard, please leave us alone" from the Court, Hackernews must dig deeply into the decision text in order to find something that can be spun into being even remotely interesting. The bulk of the comments are weak analogies to try and understand what the hell just happened, complaints about related legislation, and bickering about irrelevant pedantry.
April 06, 2021 (comments)
Signal (business model: "Uber for SMS") introduces a new payment system; to wit, Signal users are now invited to purchase pretend money from Signal to trade amongst themselves. There is no report on whether Signal hired beenz.com founder Charles Cohen to spearhead the effort. Hackernews is mad that their favorite messaging software is fucking around with this garbage instead of fixing any bugs. It turns out that basically none of the original reasons Hackernews started using Signal apply any more, but since they convinced their idiot friends to start using it, they're all stuck with it anyway.
April 06, 2021 (comments)
An Internet declines to work for free and discovers the Thin Blue Line is a garrote. Half of Hackernews reports being in a similar situation, but in Hackernews' case they scared the feds away through sheer force of will. Other Hackernews wonder if maybe a boat would work instead.
April 07, 2021 (comments)
An Internet is still mad about Signal's new Fedoral Reserve Notes program. Hackernews is too. After a while of Hackernews debating which text messaging software everyone should love, the MobileCoin (business model: "Uber for Mt. Gox") Griftmaster General arrives to insist that this is not exactly the obvious scam that everyone immediately recognized it to be. Hackernews belts out extremely confrontational questions based on years of repeatedly losing their asses to almost identical scams. The M-Pissa representative is unable to muster convincing answers to any of them except why the USA is blocked from even accessing their website; however, "the regulatory landscape in the United States is complicated" is a very strange way to phrase "because what we're doing has been illegal in the US for decades now."
webshit weekly (2021/03/31)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the last week of March, 2021.
March 22, 2021 (comments)
A person takes an article written last year, runs it through a thesaurus, and publishes it again. Hackernews, all of whom have recently pivoted job titles to "forensic epidemiologist," sagely assure one another that the Chinese government is behind all this, because of all of the other things, you know, and they're being strangely reticent, which isn't at all typical for a nuclear-armed government composed of genocidal monsters. Hackernews posts just shy of a thousand comments on this topic. None of them are well-informed, carefully reasoned, or worth reading. The Hackernews Hall Monitor intervenes once, to instruct us that it is fine to hate the Chinese government, as long as we're not unduly emotional about it.
March 23, 2021 (comments)
A ship's pilot misunderstands the application of naval jelly. Hackernews learns about boats.
March 24, 2021 (comments)
Google orders a nearby citizen to pick up that can. Hackernews struggles to balance the need to protect themselves against hostile webshit with the need to protect themselves from their own software choices. Other Hackernews are just interested in talking about other small quality-of-life improvements; some time is spent inventing several, all of which turn out to have already been available via existing browser extensions.
March 25, 2021 (comments)
Some asshole decided to register a domain for a current-events story which lasted approximately a week. Hackernews is now entirely populated with people who read about boats a little bit a couple days beforehand, so they're basically all descended from long lines of maritime families, whose generations of nautical wisdom permeates their every thought and utterance. We are therefore duly subjected to twelve hundred comments, almost seven hundred of which descend from a comment which amounts to "the boat is stuck." That thread appears to be the place Hackernews has identified as the suggestion box.
March 26, 2021 (comments)
Some Internets decide that any significant dent in Google's domination of the internet must start by collecting money to support a core team of people to undertake the crucial first step in dislodging any multinational corporation: obsessing over it. Hackernews debates the proper savings-to-risk ratio when purchasing airline tickets with layovers. Later, the question arises: which honor system is the best solution to automated web crawlers? Could it be improved, perhaps by getting Google to operate it?
March 27, 2021 (comments)
FileZilla (business model: "Uber for WinSCP") continues its war against its own users. Hackernews already knew. One Hackernews wonders why people tolerate ads in their cellphone programs but not on their desktops or laptops, but other Hackernews arrive to explain that phones are a different shape than those other computers, so things are different because of the way they are.
March 28, 2021 (comments)
A webshit is concerned that modern society may be dangerously close to becoming a place where people can't just shit words out of their mouths nonstop with no regard for anyone else, even if those people are men. Hackernews is absolutely fucking furious at considering the slightest possibility that even one male Y-chromosome-possessing man with balls and a dick and everything might have to stop and think about what he's yammering for even a moment in case some uppity cunt decides to murder his ancestors and sow salt in his crops using whatever stupid feminist labia magick these bitches turn loose against decent, God-fearing adult male men who are only trying to tell these silly twats how to act if they want to get ahead in the Valley. One Hackernews suggests that maybe these dudes could try tact, but the "Hacker" "News" moderation team steps in to shut that horse shit down, then yells at some other people whose comments were not long enough.
March 29, 2021 (comments)
Some researchers conduct research. Hackernews uses the headline seen here, even though the researchers posted the Pfizer sequence as well. Hackernews spends hours incorrecting one another about microbiology, mostly in the pursuit of constructing the tiredest and least coherent source-code analogy possible.
March 30, 2021 (comments)
Ubiquiti (business model: "Uber for Cisco") turns out to be slightly worse at network security than advertised, but slightly better at corporate transparency than intended. Every single Hackernews commenter owns hardware from this company, and now would like recommendations for a different company; not that one, it's too Chinese. Not that one either, they want me to pay them for work. No I don't want to build one myself, I just want to buy something easy to use. No, not that one either. Won't somebody please recommend an alternative?
March 31, 2021 (comments)
Some rando is really angry at the idea that a shitty person might be unpopular after decades of being a shitty person. Anyone who dislikes the shitty person, says this rando, is part of a massive global conspiracy centered around tremendous, coordinated corporate effort to assault a specific copyright cult that nobody cares about. Hackernews isn't really sure what side they should be on: on one hand, being a shitty person is pretty central to the Hackernews ethos, and it would be terrible to be held accountable for that, but on the other hand, the copyright cult is the closest thing to a religion some Hackernews have (aside from venture capital money), and it would be good for the copyright cultists to succeed, even if that means throwing the shitty person overboard. No consensus is reached, and the story is flagged after one half-hearted attempt by the Hall Monitor to control the freakout.
March 31, 2021 (comments)
The asshole with the newly-expired current-events domain writes an after-action review in an attempt to make it interesting to someone. It doesn't, but Hackernews wants to know how to make money from websites. Hackernews informs us that just asking for money does not work, which I personally found to be an extremely strange misrepresentation of the situation.