webshit weekly (2018/10/21)

An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the third week of October, 2018.

Paul Allen has died
October 15, 2018 (comments)
A famous person dies, which happens pretty often, but this particular person worked in Hackernews' industry, so all of them who ever entered the same building as the deceased has a heartfelt, meaningful, and lesson-packed anecdote to relay. Several of the deceased's projects resulted in excellent museums, which Hackernews enumerates in order to engage in less uncomfortable nostalgia.

What I loved about Paul Allen
October 16, 2018 (comments)
Another famous person involved in Hackernews' industry relays some heartfelt, meaningful, and lesson-packed anecdotes about the person who died the day before, Hackernews spends all day arguing about whether the author was an asshole to his dead associate.

Helm: Personal Email Server
October 17, 2018 (comments)
Some dipshits decide what email needs is a physical device in everyone's house that reverse-proxies through Amazon Web Services. Hackernews bikesheds the terrible business model, but the dipshits show up to argue about it. The resulting five hundred comments all contain Hackernews incorrecting each other about some combination of encryption, NAT, TLS, privacy law, spam prevention, and SMTP... and in some cases, all of them at once.

Paper Airplane Designs
October 18, 2018 (comments)
An Internet makes a list of paper airplanes. The list curator arrives to bask in the attention, but a couple of HackernEUs shows up to bitch about letter-sized paper. Some of the comments reminisce about paper airplane contests, some of them attempt to reverse engineer Google's advertising network, and the rest of the comments are Hackernews linking to their paper airplane design of choice, about half of which are present on the site originally linked.

Japan's Hometown Tax
October 19, 2018 (comments)
The Hackernews Popularity Contest bronze medalist makes a blog post about being smarter than some unnamed experts, and excitedly describes the manner in which Japan managed to turn part of their tax system into some kind of cutthroat money-laundering service. As usual with posts originating with Hackernews darlings, two camps emerge. The die-hard fans breathlessly expound the wondrous possibilities surfaced by this byzantine nightmare of wasted effort. The other sect grimly sets about poking holes in the article, and this is the camp that strives, based entirely on the content of this blog post, to ascertain whether or not democracy is desirable, or even possible at all.

Not exercising worse than smoking, diabetes and heart disease study finds
October 20, 2018 (comments)
Some doctors discover that being a shiftless layabout might be bad for your health, and recommend maybe getting off your ass once in a while. As with any medical advice, Hackernews is a font of links to various website-based can't-fail thinkpieces. The other Hackernews medical ritual ensues: a Hackernews doesn't want to follow the advice because of a huge list of boring excuses. Another Hackernews replies that it would be easy if you weren't doing it wrong. The first Hackernews replies that this assessment is making some pretty big assumptions there, but the other Hackernews is ready with a 1,500-word jargon-laden shitpost about how it is an ineluctable result of doing it wrong. About half of the jargon is misused or inapplicable, but the Excuses Lister isn't qualified to recognize that, so it just turns into another anecdote slog.

Who Are My Investors?
October 21, 2018 (comments)
The Saudis are being assholes in public again, so some people are starting to wonder if they're willing to be picky about where their money comes from. Hackernews isn't, for the most part, but they seem attracted to the idea that it's probably okay to take money from assholes if you think nobody will notice. Failing that, try to get some other people between you and the assholes. A few Hackernews just declare that there's no such thing as an asshole. I rarely* recommend reading "Hacker" "News" comments, but if you want to see the inner strugglings of people who just aren't sure if they should, through their labor, enrich murderers, this is the place to do it.

* - never.

webshit weekly (2018/10/14)

An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the second week of October, 2018.

Shutting Down Google+ for Consumers
October 08, 2018 (comments)
Google left your shit out in the rain, and has prepared an interpretive security dance to distract you. Hackernews solemnly praises the terrible unwanted trash product at the center of the latest mishap, and writes some fanfiction about which other trash products might copy parts of Google's failed attempt.

How to Get Things Done When You Don't Feel Like It
October 09, 2018 (comments)
A bureaucrat pontificates about getting work done when you don't care about it. All of the suggested approaches are based on pop psychology and buzzwords; the term 'self-discipline' does not occur once in the entire article. This omission makes it extremely attractive to Hackernews, who gleefully detail all of the grotesque habits they've ritualized in pursuit of the ability to emulate fully-functional human beings. The party continues until one weirdo shows up and complains that the only successful approach is engaging with other human beings, so Hackernews convenes an intervention panel to diagnose what disgusting malfunction could possibly have led to his bizarre behavior.

Microsoft Joins the Open Invention Network
October 10, 2018 (comments)
Microsoft sneaks into the henhouse. Hackernews is torn between excitement at the prospect of being able to clone software they wrote at their last jobs and a creeping unease whenever the memory surfaces of the last eight hundred times someone tried to cooperate with Microsoft. The former group is pleased with the extensive list of half-assed standards they are now free to port to node.js, and the latter group starts a fistfight about some guy who landed in the pokey for selling copied Windows discs.

Astronauts escape malfunctioning Soyuz rocket
October 11, 2018 (comments)
The Soyuz campaigns to be renamed Pаспускать. Hackernews has nothing of value to contribute to this event, so they spend the afternoon constructing narratives of the proceedings based on Twitter posts. When that gets dull they start mining Wikipedia for trivia to report in the manner of baseball commentators reading player stats during a slow game.

Every Byte of a TLS Connection Explained and Reproduced
October 12, 2018 (comments)
An Internet documents a commonly-used protocol, then shows up in the comments to announce the use of a CDN to serve a single static page of HTML. The vote-to-comment ratio on this article is in excess of ten to one, which means Hackernews bookmarked this page but has not yet actually read it.

Teach Yourself to Echolocate: A beginner’s guide to navigating with sound
October 13, 2018 (comments)
An Internet has a plan to make children even more noisy and clumsy than they already are. Interpol is dispatching teams to haul the author back to The Hague to answer for this crime. Hackernews takes a break to reminisce about old websites, trading links to a few on the grounds that there is no search engine worth a shit. The rest of the Hackernews discuss how important hearing is, as though that is surprising information which needs explicit mention. A few Hackernews are extremely excited about date calculations.

How I’ve Attracted the First 500 Paid Users for My SaaS
October 14, 2018 (comments)
A webshit announces a breakthrough plan to acquire customers: talk to people and find out what they want, then sell it to them. Hackernews scoffs at this naive and ridiculous approach. They don't have any real reason to believe it can't work, but this is the only medium.com thinkpiece advocating it, so it is Obviously Wrong. The author shows up and only engages with Hackernews asking productive questions, which further enrages the rest. Buried within the bottom third of the comment page are the posts from other people who have taken similar approaches and met with success. Nobody replies.

webshit weekly (2018/10/07)

An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the first week of October, 2018.

More than 9M broken links on Wikipedia are now rescued
October 01, 2018 (comments)
Some librarians come to the aid of hundreds of thousands of disinterested middle-school essays. Hackernews takes the mention of the Internet Archive as an opportunity to gaze into a parallel universe where people use computers in a sustainable manner to accomplish specific goals. None of them expect to live in that world, but the knowledge of its existence provides a dim flicker of optimism in the ridiculous hateful hell planet that Hackernews builds for us professionally.

Coders Automating Their Own Job
October 02, 2018 (comments)
A journalist discovers that a relatively small number of people have figured out how to use tools to do more work. Because the tools are computers, most of those people have been fired. Hackernews set out to explore the labor theory of value, but gets sidetracked arguing whether "Hacker" "News" comments are objective inquests into the nature of humanity or just a pack of assholes arguing on the internet. The next series of comments bemoan how all the bosses are mean, and all that remains is reflection on how much smarter programmers are than everyone else.

Do You Really Know CORS?
October 03, 2018 (comments)
A webshit swims into a specific corner of the cesspit of trash technology engendered by the webshit industry. Hackernews knows exactly what to do with a technical article about webshit: start a pissing match about who is the most committed to this particular abusive relationship. Some Hackernews realize what an irretrievable train wreck the web has become, but without exception they believe the solution is to tear it down and replace it ... with the exact same ass festival, only written by Hackernews.

The Big Hack: How China Used a Tiny Chip to Infiltrate Amazon and Apple
October 04, 2018 (comments)
Some journalists declare that China is ratfucking Amazon. Hackernews absolutely refuses to believe this for several reasons, among which are "nobody told me," "Amazon pinky-swears that AWS is fine," and "this would be bad so it couldn't have happened." The prevailing opinion is that Apple and Amazon would not have issued denials if they were working with the US government, because they would be punished for lying... by the US government. The rest of the comments are a painful pageant of Hackernews pretending to understand motherboard electronics just slightly more than they actually do.

Making sense of the alleged Supermicro motherboard attack
October 05, 2018 (comments)
An academic confirms that yesterday's description of the alleged ratfucking is indeed feasible. Hackernews is so concerned about this news that they can barely muster the effort to "yes, and" the article. Furious nailbiting occurs when some Hackernews realize that none of the corporate denials actually deny the events described in the original article. A collective sigh of relief can be heard as they finally realize the proper response: whataboutism.

Microsoft open sources parts of Minecraft: Java Edition
October 06, 2018 (comments)
Microsoft takes out the trash. Hackernews is still salty that the original maker of a video game didn't give them the source code, selling them up the river for a mere billion dollars. The rest of the comments are Hackernews excitedly digging through the garbage.

Mixnode: Turn the web into a database
October 07, 2018 (comments)
Some webshits, using only a web scraper and uniform resource locators, invent a replacement for web scrapers and uniform resource locators. Hackernews grapples with the idea of a piece of software capable of searching the world wide web. What good is it? What might it be used for? What's the business model? Confused and sullen, Hackernews moves on to the next webshit trinket.