webshit weekly (2018/12/14)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the second week of December, 2018.
December 08, 2018 (comments)
A webshit mailhost denounces a bad law in another country, apparently under the impression that anyone in Australia cares about the political opinions of some Swiss nerds. Hackernews doesn't really care about the mail service; this post was selected as the Armchair Legal Theorists meeting location for the month of December. The Hackernews interpretations of this set of laws range from "end of world" to "obviously just," and maybe it would matter which one was right, if Australia produced anything worth consuming now that John Clarke is gone. One Hackernews links to a Twitter thread containing a hypothetical implementation of the bad law in which JIRA foils the spies.
December 09, 2018 (comments)
Australia fires the first volley in its campaign to discredit JIRA, which was yesterday determined to be the primary counterintelligence force stopping its spies from spying. Hackernews breaks out into factional disputes, depending on which denomination of the Agile religion the poster adheres. An argument breaks out about who is more important to a business: the programmers, or the customers? Several dozen Hackernews perform the ancient rite of webforum discussion: one, trying to explain a concept, outlines a hypothetical scenario; the rest, completely ignoring any point anyone is trying to make, bikeshed the scenario by laser-focusing on one tiny irrelevant aspect (in which they happen to be expert). No technology is discussed.
December 10, 2018 (comments)
A journalist gets the scoop: when a company measures every single element of your personal life, it's because they would like to sell that information for money. Hackernews is less concerned about outmoded flyover-state concepts like "privacy" or "dignity" and is instead super concerned with reverse engineering the location service that Google ships on their phones. A few Hackernews make a desultory attempt to theorize a world in which people weren't immediately preyed upon the moment they touch a computer, but nobody can really muster up much energy for trash-talking Google's business model.
December 11, 2018 (comments)
Mozilla shoves another featureless release of their web browser out the door. The only user-detectable change in this release was made by someone who does not work for Mozilla and was paid for by Google. Like all stories about browser releases, this one is five hundred comments from people who are angry about some weird-ass extension they started using in 2003, people angrily replying that some other weird-ass extension is better, and people angrily declaring you don't need an extension because that database has been built into the address bar for ten years now. Mozilla still hasn't mastered HTML 4, but now that the bug report is old enough to drink, they're at least starting to invent excuses for not fixing it.
December 12, 2018 (comments)
Something happened, but it's impossible to care about. I can't even care about it long enough to remember what it is. Hackernews doesn't like a webshit's business name, logo, or anything else about it. Most of the comments are trying to figure out why Google would do such a thing ... whatever it was.
December 13, 2018 (comments)
Some dipshits would like to act like a bank without doing any of the things that banks are required to do. The dipshits (motto: "Uber for financial crises") haven't even got the product defined before they start misleading potential customers about it, which is a new record for Silicon Valley efficiency. Hackernews, trying to understand, reinvents banking from first principles, even going so far as to identify places where a given society may be required to implement restrictions on financial markets. After that, it's just a matter of every single Hackernews naming every single banking product available in the iOS app store.
December 14, 2018 (comments)
A webshit refuses to leave an abusive relationship. Hackernews has lots of stories about similar abuses, but chooses to focus on how this obviously shitty behavior wasn't the fault of the innocent corporation, because it was the big mean state government that forced their hand.
webshit weekly (2018/12/07)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the first week of December, 2018.
December 01, 2018 (comments)
A Google wrote a book trying to teach math to computer programmers. Hackernews skips to the back to check for answers. Not finding any, they attempt to rectify the omission using the only tool they know: Github. One Hackernews declares that mathematics suffers from a 'lack of rigor,' unlike computer programming. I weathered this irony storm long enough to see that the next thread contained Hackernews arguing about the proper way to operate books. Further deponent readeth not.
December 02, 2018 (comments)
A journalist abandons social media and writes an article about it, which contains a link to the journalist's Twitter account in the byline. Hackernews also deletes their accounts on all their employers' services, then bemoans the preponderance of websites where unpopular opinions are deplatformed. The complaints are made on "Hacker" "News", a web forum that automatically removes unpopular posts. The surviving opinion is that social media sucks because of the users.
December 03, 2018 (comments)
Some webshits spill the beans. Hackernews briefly wonders why webshits had the beans to begin with, but immediately pivots to bitching about the tools they use to keep track of the trillions of passwords they just can't help creating.
December 04, 2018 (comments)
Microsoft dumps another box of junk at the charity shop. Hackernews immediately wants to know whether these unpopular garbage libraries can be shoehorned into whatever operating system Hackernews is currently using. The real question, says Hackernews, is whether Microsoft will ever open-source any software that people actually care about. The question nobody asks is "who cares?"
December 05, 2018 (comments)
The Canucks toss a suit in the hoosegow. Hackernews would like to know how laws work, and does not let a lack of ability stop them from lecturing endlessly on international law, political conspiracy theories, and the ethical characteristics of nations. One Hackernews claims that someone died of blockchains, which is the closest thing to technology anyone posts.
December 06, 2018 (comments)
Mozilla looks forward to coming in second in a two-browser race. This thread is designated as the Monthly Firefox Opinion Repository, with the same eight complaints as all the other threads even tangentially related to Mozilla: My preferred extension was deprecated; I can't live without this obscure feature; it's too slow; I don't like the development tools; it's not made by Apple; it's not made by Google; it's funded by Google; my computer is old. Neither this comment thread nor the original article will influence anyone's opinion, either on "Hacker" "News" or at Microsoft.
December 07, 2018 (comments)
Microsoft announces a new lobbying campaign. Hackernews is ecstatic that technocrats are unilaterally declaring policy, as this system is much cheaper and more effective than outmoded and obviously ridiculous alternatives, such as democracy. The rest of the comments are Hackernews eagerly reading political tea leaves or angrily demanding that Microsoft be given authority to conduct capital punishment against anyone who inconveniences them.
webshit weekly (2018/11/30)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the last week of November, 2018.
November 22, 2018 (comments)
Y Combinator Dipshit in Chief Sam Altman remembers there's a forum long enough to give a pep talk to its herders. Hackernews, predictably, circles up to congratulate each other on the warmth and timbre of their echo chamber. Most of the comments are people fondly remembering their behavioral conditioning on a web forum, except for the people responding to (and angrily debating) censored posts.
November 23, 2018 (comments)
An Internet breathlessly reports a major discovery: it is possible to understand how computers work. This is primarily an excuse for those Hackernews who curate vintage computer hardware to talk about curating vintage computer hardware, while the rest paste excerpts from computer memory whitepapers in lieu of insight. Because this is a technology-related post, there are fewer than a hundred comments.
November 24, 2018 (comments)
An anonymous Internet wants to tell researchers what to do. Those Hackernews who live in academia cry out with a single voice that the current system must be destroyed, because it is hard and requires them to do things. Someone shows up to defend academic publishers, but all chances at discourse are drowned in the noise of people from different disciplines incorrectly assuming that all academic fields operate like the one in which they live.
November 25, 2018 (comments)
An Internet makes a program to investigate a container image. Because the container software in question is Docker, Hackernews mashes the upvote button as hard as possible, but because the purpose here is understanding how the technology actually works, there are fewer than fifty comments.
November 25, 2018 (comments)
Some fuckwad interrogates a dimwit about ridiculous trash. Because none of the participants matter, their opinions are meaningless, and the topic is irrelevant to human society, Hackernews goes into an absolute frenzy of pompous lecturing. In accordance with tradition at Bitcoin Idiots, LLC, the entire field of economics is derived from first principles (again) and then furious partisan bickering dominates the threads, as Hackernews furiously incorrects one another on why money exists at all.
November 26, 2018 (comments)
A webshit fucks up a lot of other webshits' day. Hackernews disagrees with the obviously correct conclusion that the webshit should be held responsible for making stupid decisions. The fact that such a wide swath of the internet seems to think people should exercise caution and judgment when collaborating profoundly disturbs Hackernews, causing them to enumerate every single time any programmer has ever made a mistake: a thousand-post session of whataboutism. This does more to ensconce computer progammers as a class of rudderless morons than N-Gate ever could.
November 27, 2018 (comments)
If you hold medium dot com up to your ear, you can hear the faint cries from the depths of the ad mines. Hackernews tries to reinvent labor unions in a way that would give the union members power over their employers without changing anything else at all. The other half of the comments are other Hackernews musing that Google should ignore the plebians and launch into China anyway. After all, who cares about human rights when there's just so God damn much money to be had?
November 28, 2018 (comments)
A webshit likes video games. Hackernews musters enough energy to bikeshed some 1980s nostalgia whimsy on the basis of Section 508 compliance, but in the end this is a technological topic, so there are fewer than a hundred comments.
November 29, 2018 (comments)
A Google job interview finally serves a purpose, albeit an evil one. Several Hackernews arrive in the comments to corroborate this pattern of shitty behavior, and the rest of Hackernews wrestles with the idea that the company they trust with basically every single piece of information they possess has a habit of using information against its originator. Some Hackernews sagely explain that being a revolting weasel is the only path to business success, other Hackernews (using Google search) try to figure out who the real villain is, and one very special Hackernews notices that Google even stole the 'stealing ideas from potential collaborators' idea... from Microsoft.
November 30, 2018 (comments)
A hotel chain left the light on for you. And also a lot of other things, for a lot of other people, for half a decade. Hackernews bikesheds the corporate damage-control protocols, then begins the philosophical inquisition: should programmers care about security? Even if it means they have to do more work? Even if it takes longer to make hotel reservation website satisfaction surveys? What price safety? Blockchain?