webshit weekly (2017/05/21)

An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the third week of May, 2017.

Nobody mentioned Rust this week. The Strike Force communications office commented, "They're not even [within] 100 miles. They are not in any place. They hold no place in TIOBE. This is an illusion ... they are trying to sell to the others an illusion."

AI Playbook
May 15, 2017 (comments)
Some bureaucrats have opinions about software. They are characteristically worthless, to the point that even Hackernews recognizes it. Not all of Hackernews, though: about half the comments are people who believe advertisements from genetics startups. Some asshole wants to know if the bureaucrats "accept pull requests." The entire thread is a battleground between people who understand mathematics and people for whom all computational analysis is magic. The mathematicians are vastly outnumbered.

My Family’s Slave
May 16, 2017 (comments)
A magazine publishes a slaveowner's memoir. Hackernews gets together to be sad about their own slaves, and defending the necessity of remaining complicit in human trafficking. Other Hackernews work hard to map the slavedriver/enslaved relationship into their understanding of family dynamics, which appears to have been entirely derived from Donna Reed television shows. As usual, someone blames capitalism, the opposite of which is apparently farming. Many Hackernews explain that housewives are not slaves because they are paid for their services, which is a truly breathtaking misunderstanding of slavery, families, and money, all at the same time.

A startup’s Firebase bill suddenly increased from $25 to $1750 per month
May 17, 2017 (comments)
An internet suddenly finds himself being charged for services by a service provider. Since the provider is in fact Google, it is not normally possible to speak to a human being about the service, but this particular person knows the secret path to customer support: throwing a huge goddamn temper tantrum all over the internet. It works, of course, and Hackernews spends several hours telling stories about when they suddenly found themselves having to pay for things. The rest of the thread is people reassuring each other that Google is not supposed to care about paying customers, and it is best to accept your place as a faceless plebian, deserving of nothing.

Let them paste passwords
May 18, 2017 (comments)
The British government would like you to store secrets in your clipboard, because of how "many" or "most" password managers behave. Hackernews spends a couple days bitching about other web developers, other security administrators, other computer users, and governments. Hackernews is fine though.

Sweden drops Julian Assange rape investigation
May 19, 2017 (comments)
Sweden has decided Ecuador is a jerk, and has given up attempting to prosecute an attention whore. Hackernews lies to each other for several hours about every possible facet of this completely uninteresting event. Whatsisname's status remains unchanged.

Kill Google AMP before it kills the web
May 20, 2017 (comments)
An internet accurately describes Google's AMP program for what it is -- a barely-disguised attempt to shove more of the internet into itself, the better to track the living shit out of every human being on earth. Hackernews has attempted to avoid this program by using it heavily. Half the comments are Hackernews insisting that it is not only impossible to compete with Google in any way but also insane to try. Some Googles show up to assure everyone that this is for the greater good, and if you'd all just stop talking and get in line the whole process will be nearly painless. A few Hackernews suggest that AMP's feature set can be replicated with a "stop shoving every fucking possible line of javascript into every single pageload" approach, but they are quickly chloroformed and edited out of past Christmas photos.

A working, transistor-scale replica of the MOS 6502 microprocessor
May 21, 2017 (comments)
An internet's hobby involves building a larger-scale, slower replica of a classic processor. Hackernews approves and whiles away a Sunday afternoon namedropping the computers they enjoyed using before they all got jobs shitting javascript into a database.

webshit weekly (2017/05/14)

An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the second week of May, 2017.

Net neutrality is in jeopardy again
May 08, 2017 (comments)
A web browser vendor would like your help defending its business model. Hackernews of all nations come together to trade misinformation and confusion about each other's local telecommunications regulation. Nothing productive occurs.

Get started making music
May 09, 2017 (comments)
A music software vendor would like your help bolstering its profit model. Hackernews spends a couple of days recommending inferior replacements for less money, before deciding that the music notation system in use for nearly a thousand years is ripe for disruption -- and this random collection of idiots on a web forum is just the group for the job.

A crashed advertisement reveals logs of a facial recognition system
May 10, 2017 (comments)
A pizza shop billboard breaks, revealing that it was logging who looked at it. Hackernews is horrified, except for the people who were surprised everyone didn't know this. They sit down to construct a concept of privacy from first principle. They fail, but they have a good time whining about cashiers.

Recovering from Burnout and Depression
May 11, 2017 (comments)
An internet quits working and writes spammy blog shit for a living. Hackernews decides people don't like to work because all work is either meaningless or evil, but it's definitely everyone else's fault. Also the entire monetary system is worthless, we should envy the impoverished, capitalism will kill us all, and they all quit jobs they loved because someone was mean to them. The unanimous consensus: take a couple years off and just fuck around.

Cyberattacks in 12 Nations Said to Use Leaked N.S.A. Hacking Tool
May 12, 2017 (comments)
An internet fucks up a lot of computers. Hackernews makes popcorn and sets about armchair-quarterbacking the past quarter-century of computing policy. Each Hackernews has a unique set of inviolate rules that would have prevented all of this. None of them are compatible with any of the others. Eventually, someone blames the actual concept of patriotism. Nobody fixes anything. The Rust Evangelism Strike Force executes a Hackernews on live television for daring to mention their name.

Accidentally Stopping a Global Cyber Attack
May 13, 2017 (comments)
An internet squats a domain in some malware. It has the effect of stopping that version of the malware from spreading. Hackernews resumes the previous day's blame-assignment party (spoiler: "everyone but us").

Badger – A fast key-value store written natively in Go
May 14, 2017 (comments)
Exhausted by the high-concept debate of the previous two days, Hackernews settles in for some good old-fashioned webshit. An internet makes a shitty database, which uses the phrase "SSD-optimized" to mean "we didn't do any write-combining and we assume you have no cache." The motivation for creating the shitty database boils down to "the one we were using wasn't written in a hipster language."

webshit weekly (2017/05/07)

An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the first week of May, 2017.

Getting Started with Headless Chrome
May 01, 2017 (comments)
Google enables webshits to remove the 'browsing' part of their web browser. Hackernews trades python programs about it. One Hackernews is inspired to run his browser several times with a filesystem and a network interface for each copy, but dismisses virtual machines as "too heavy." Everyone else just wants to take screenshots without the 'screen' part.

CRISPR eliminates HIV-1 infection in live animals
May 02, 2017 (comments)
Some biologists use a gene editing tool to edit genes. Hackernews trades youtube videos and NPR stories so they can more effectively pretend to understand anything. One Hackernews has a friend who totally fixed everything and just needs venture capital. The rest of the comments are people misquoting the NPR stories in an attempt to sound educated.

Root – Programmable bank account for software developers
May 03, 2017 (comments)
A foreign bank wants you to rub javascript on your money. Their example code involves transaction approval in a Slack message. Hackernews, the place where crypto code is too hard for mortals to write and the Rust Evangelism Strike Force has indoctrinated a deep-seated fear of pointers, thinks applying javascript directly to money is a fantastic idea. Most of the comments are people misinforming each other about banking law, international fiduciary policy, and needlessly in-depth descriptions of the retarded things Hackernews does to feel in control of their money.

Uber faces criminal probe over software used to evade authorities
May 04, 2017 (comments)
A jitney cab outfit is in dutch with the fuzz. Hackernews divides into two groups: people who are slightly upset at how brazenly Uber is willing to shit on the law, and people who are firmly convinced that no laws are valid if such laws prevent money from changing hands. Most of the people on the latter side are the same idiots who insist that Uber is "ride-sharing" and not just a shitty taxi company. Countless thousands of words are wasted arguing about whether Uber is demonstrating "civil disobedience" or "criminal conspiracy."

The Horror in the Standard Library
May 05, 2017 (comments)
Some internets realize their overbuilt C++ shitware is falling over. They are forced to delve into the guts of a terrible programming language to fix it. Hackernews trades battle stories about their shitty code, the bad choices of libraries they made when writing their shitty code, the ridiculous programming languages they selected to implement everything, and the trash hardware they bought to run it all. The rest of the thread is bikeshedding the blog post.

Why does Google prepend while(1); to their JSON responses?
May 06, 2017 (comments)
An internet links to a stackoverflow discussion about yet another javascript workaround. Hackernews is blown away by the complexity of modern webshit and adamant that it is impossible to live without writing javascript. Bizarrely, half the comments are about how important backwards compatibility is to the web, completely ignoring the fact that no browser more than a few years old is capable of rendering most of the arcane garbage involved in current webshit.

Wikimedia Foundation spending
May 07, 2017 (comments)
An internet whines about Wikipedia's checkbook. Hackernews swoops in to jerk off about Warren Buffet quotes, profound thoughts about leadership in technology, and pointless speculation about Wikipedia's management policies. Nobody performs a cost-benefit analysis of just eradicating Wikipedia altogether. Some of the more useless Hackernews gather at the bottom of the page to bikeshed the article's title.