webshit weekly (2017/11/14)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the second week of November, 2017.
November 08, 2017 (comments)
An internet publishes fan mail to a gigantic faceless corporation, exhorting it to exhibit morality. Hackernews is angry that it is harder for them to dodge taxes than it is for more successful people. Hours of debate follow, in which the participants attempt to ascertain whether Apple's actions are ethical because they are legal or legal because they are ethical. All manner of hypothetical technical solutions are suggested to social problems that Hackernews heard about via podcast.
November 09, 2017 (comments)
An internet posts an article consisting entirely of pull quotes. Hackernews, unable to relate to the "billionaire" qualities of the speaker, instead relates to the "armchair psychologist" qualities. One Hackernews claims to have 'written an algorithm that scores news for quality,' which appears to translate to 'accuses articles of bias ex machina.' The rest of the comments debate whether critical thought is "hard," and generally uses whatever Facebook does as the rubric. Another tangent advocates that social media should be regulated by the state, for the protection of the flock.
November 10, 2017 (comments)
Some nerds opened a serial console. Hackernews regards this as a world-ending event. One compares it to waking up in a world of omniscient spy hardware, presumably via smartphone. Several dozen other Hackernews argue about whether the world cares enough that nerds do not possess a sufficient degree of control over the devices primarily used to upload personal information to the internet. All manner of hypothetical technical solutions are suggested to social problems that Hackernews actively perpetrates.
November 11, 2017 (comments)
An internet preaches to the choir. The argument boils down to the author preferring standards over services. jsonfeed is dismissed because it does not use enough XML, despite having reached a staggering 0.1% market share in just six months. Hackernews lines up to eulogize content syndication, the non-Facebook web, and (most of all) Google Reader.
November 12, 2017 (comments)
An asshole doing graduate study in machine learning slowly realizes the entire discipline is "statistics with computers," and scrambles to learn mathematics. Hackernews comes to the rescue, declaring there is no better place to learn basic math than grad school. At no possible point before PhD research is it, in the eyes of Hackernews, advisable to study mathematics. Most of the rest of the comments are advice on how to game graduate advisors.
November 13, 2017 (comments)
Mozilla excretes some public relations drivel about their latest release, complete with the same condescending cartoons that appeared in the last four. Given a buzzword codename, the release's reported success involves deleting any code that is insufficiently identical to their main competitor. Hackernews is elated about how much more Chrome-like Firefox has become, but grievously disappointed in the few remaining pieces that persist in not being Google products. Consensus: Hackernews really wants to use Firefox because it is not Chrome, but cannot abide using it, because it is not Chrome.
November 14, 2017 (comments)
Mozilla announces this week's browser release. The "unresolved" section of the release highlights is three times longer than the "fixed" section, in keeping with ancient tradition dating back to when the product was still called Navigator. Nestled among the "unresolved" section is the news that vision-impaired users are invited to fuck themselves until further notice. Hackernews copies all of yesterday's comments and pastes them into today's thread.
webshit weekly (2017/11/07)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the first week of November, 2017.
November 01, 2017 (comments)
An Internet is fond of some software. So is Hackernews. Any comment not devoted to singing the praises of the software in question is devoted instead to arguing about Docker. Again.
November 01, 2017 (comments)
Unsatisfied merely with charging money for webshit, an asshole also demands contrition. The webshit in question puts text onto gif files. Hackernews reconstructs free trade from first principles, then spends a while debating whether ads are the best way to make money or the only way to make money. The consensus is that it's just too hard for people to give them money. Bitcoin Idiots, LLC makes a half-hearted stump speech or two, but nobody cares.
November 02, 2017 (comments)
An Internet bemoans the state of the web. Three of the four contact methods provided involve webshit. Hackernews, whose fault this all is, has further complaints to add to the list. Some of them think the solution is podcasts, because the obvious alternative to modal advertisement popups is listening to some Internet stutter into a Blue Yeti for three hours. Another claims to have learned programming primarily via web videos. I had to close the webpage when I got to the Hackernews literally judging books by their covers.
November 03, 2017 (comments)
A cuddle party occurs via Github issue. Hackernews strenuously approves of this practice and brainstorms other ways for people to praise them. The results frequently involve money.
November 04, 2017 (comments)
An Internet gets fucked over by a webshit. Hackernews has also been fucked over by this and similar webshits. The comment threads are a shitstorm of people blaming some Internet for insufficiently diversifying income portfolios and other people suggesting that maybe there should be some kind of law encouraging contract enforcement.
November 05, 2017 (comments)
An Internet surveys a sampling of shitty hardware. The website falls over. Hackernews bitches about the quality of Google search results, then proceeds to rattle off whatever comparably-shitty hardware they're familiar with, regardless of whether it has anything to do with the testing performed by the author. The Rust Evanglism Strike Force arrives to reassure everyone that their shitty programming language works great on shitty hardware, as long as you use one of a very few cared-about platforms.
November 06, 2017 (comments)
Google breaks shit instead of doing anything right, as usual. Hackernews is instantly pissed off that it is even possible to question their heroes, and calls for the public execution of anyone who second-guesses the Chrome team. A very few heretics grudgingly admit that they'd like to be consulted -- or at least informed in advance -- when Google engineers decide to take another big shit on the rest of the world, but insist that Google only hits them because it loves them.
November 07, 2017 (comments)
Andy Tanenbaum humblebrags about the fact that Intel is using his code, then whines that they didn't tell him, presumably because it would help drag his h-index out of the toilet. Hackernews debates the finer points of etiquette, which goes about as well as you'd expect. The rest of the comments are people bickering about bondage-and-dominance license terms, or angry demands that Intel give a shit about the commenter.
webshit weekly (2017/10/31)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the last week of October, 2017.
October 22, 2017 (comments)
A spam blog has nothing interesting to say. Hackernews argues about desktop operating systems, smartphone apps, the feasibility of augmented reality, and which startup ideas are "obviously" going to succeed. None of this, however, is as important as being appalled that the author of the spam blog failed to worship Y Combinator.
October 23, 2017 (comments)
Apple's calculator sucks. Fixing it would require an update on the order of a full operating system release, because Apple employs the finest software engineers on Earth. Hackernews arrives to reassure everyone that this is a Simple Matter of Programming, which will require rearchitecting the core of the software in question. Some time is spent rediscovering buffered input. Hackernews divides into two camps: those who think Steve Jobs would have prevented this, and those who think Steve Jobs would not be a fun boss. The rest of the comments alternate between "Apple is dying because I'm not as enthusiastic about their products" and "Apple will live forever because I like whatever gadget I most recently bought."
October 24, 2017 (comments)
Some internets are angry that Apple isn't doing what they want. Hackernews isn't as concerned about fixing phone hardware, since just about all available phone software is carefully and thoroughly fucked by the OEM, complete with ongoing programs to ensure the software cannot in the future become unfucked. Some Stallmanites arrive to explain that the obvious solution is to never speak to another human being except via SMTP ever again. Hackernews is unable to come up with a viable alternative.
October 24, 2017 (comments)
Mozilla continues the tradition of shitcanning tools people use, in the process of deprecating APIs that are insufficiently Chrome-like. Hackernews will miss the shitcanned tool in question, but dislikes its almost-identical replacement, because it is insufficiently Chrome-like. Several threads cozy up to the fire and tell nostalgic stories of horrific DOM abuse. Several more bicker about whether Firebug was the greatest debugger of all time.
October 25, 2017 (comments)
An internet experiments with the idea of having a life outside of the internet, or "offline." Hackernews regrets to inform the author that they have decided not to proceed with this job application, but has a shitload of tips about which cameras the applicant may dance for. Many hours are spent comparing programming to other professions; usually, the target of comparison is an actual profession whose practitioners are held responsible for their work.
October 26, 2017 (comments)
Fresh off the declarations that all job applicants must have unpaid side projects to trot out, an internet finds a startup with a novel platform: unpaid side projects as your day job. Suddenly Hackernews is furious at the idea that someone could be expected to program computers for free. Clear consensus is reached: it's only okay for companies to demand to see free work if it doesn't do anyone any good.
October 27, 2017 (comments)
The New York Times pursues the lucrative "internet drug dealers and pedos" market. Hackernews spends some time incorrecting each other about how certificate validation works. Several hours of myths are exchanged.
October 28, 2017 (comments)
Bitcoin Idiots, LLC tries to open a virtual ISP. The proprietors of this shitshow arrive in Hackernews comments to directly participate in the bikeshedding. Close examination of the information presented throughout leads to the conclusion you reached by reading the headline: this is a gigantic waste of time and resources, and it will be gone very soon.
October 29, 2017 (comments)
October 30, 2017 (comments)
Mozilla asks a question, then completely fails to even almost answer it. This is part of their new push to generate blog articles in the same way they generate code. Hackernews spends some time marveling that the nation with the second-highest GDP on earth can somehow figure out how to control their own telecommunications infrastructure. Meanwhile, the answer Hackernews seems to be taking for granted is "yes, you do need a VPN," because they spend most of their time trading advice on which privacy services can best protect the tracking data their browsers are sending back to Google.
October 31, 2017 (comments)
An internet posts an interview with some other internet, who made a program or something, and spends most of the interview telling people to stop reading. Hackernews administrators arrive to explain that there's some kind of pseudo-legal drama occurring with the interviewee, who immediately shows up to shit talk the other parties. One Hackernews expresses concern at the amount of data the program sends back to some rando's servers, and is shouted down because clearly the only way to measure anything is by uploading it to the internet. The rest of the comments are idiots arguing about hosting costs.