webshit weekly (2020/08/07)

An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the first week of August, 2020.

Unbricking a $2k bike with a $10 Raspberry Pi
August 01, 2020 (comments)
A webshit upgrades an iPad accessory. Hackernews lines up to explain why paying a company to tell you to ride a stationary bicycle is unassailably superior in every way to just riding an actual bicycle like some kind of dipshit would.

Laws of UX
August 02, 2020 (comments)
A webshit lectures us on "user experience." The website is almost completely inaccessible to visually-impaired users. Even if you can see the text, some of it is sideways. Hackernews doesn't like how it looks on their iPhones. There are two primary avenues of discussion: "I am smarter than this author, so I will complain about this website," and "I am smarter than you are, so I will tell you how to interpret this website." None of the information presented in the website or the Hackernews commentary is of any use to anyone.

A ride that takes 10^20k years to complete in Roller Coaster Tycoon 2 [video]
August 03, 2020 (comments)
An Internet reports a bug in a video game. The developers fix the bug. Hackernews tries to tell us that they know a lot about mazes, but they can't agree on what a maze is. The original video has all of the relevant mathematics, but Hackernews decides to tackle the problem from first principles anyway.

In spite of an increase in Internet speed, webpage speeds have not improved
August 04, 2020 (comments)
Webshits can ruin the internet faster than the internet can keep up. The report includes a long list of verified evidence that this is bad for everyone. Some Hackernews ask why webshits absolutely refuse to learn any problem-solving approaches that do not involve adding compute cores to every client device on Earth. The only believable answer boils down to "because it's easier for the programmers that way," and the rest of the discussion devolves into Hackernews talking past each other based on whether they hold the assumption that there is no more valuable resource on the planet than a person who knows how to type javascript into a computer.

Moved a server from one building to another with zero downtime
August 05, 2020 (comments)
A Reddit goes to great lengths to enable an abusive asshole. Hackernews can think of way better ways to enable abusive assholes, and has tons of personal anecdotes to demonstrate it. We are then treated to a list of every dumb thing Hackernews has been paid to do to a computer, and some dumb things they did for free.

Germany plans to dim lights at night to save insects
August 06, 2020 (comments)
Germany tries to repair its damaged insect ecology, at the risk of endangering its existing Laser Floyd ecology. Hackernews has all kinds of weird-ass opinions about environmental conservancy, but they're all drowned out by the lunatics who are only interested in ranting about the deleterious effects of electricity, light, sound waves, and whether or not members of Home Owners Associations are free citizens.

I'm Open Sourcing the Have I Been Pwned Code Base
August 07, 2020 (comments)
A webshit couldn't get any money for a hash table with a search box and suddenly cares about 'betterment.' Not 'betterment' in any sense that means useful data could be had for free, but 'betterment' in the sense that other people should write a lot of software to enable future profits from this data. Hackernews briefly notes that no code has actually been released, then sets about reverse engineering it.

webshit weekly (2020/07/31)

An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the last week of July, 2020.

Breach exposed more than one million DNA profiles on a major genealogy database
July 22, 2020 (comments)
In a turn of events absolutely nobody on earth could have predicted, some bootlickers got their shit pushed in and lost control of all of their customers' data. Hackernews is briefly disturbed by the realization that these leaks do not merely affect the lives of those who are stupid enough to do business with internet DNA vultures, but also affect the lives of everyone related to them. This momentary experiment with empathy is quickly overshadowed by the terrifying realization that someone being an incompetent failure might prevent them from getting rich, which is obviously the most terrifying possible state of affairs, if you are a Hackernews.

Amazon met with startups about investing, then launched competing products
July 23, 2020 (comments)
Amazon violates Microsoft's business process patents. A fight breaks out on Hackernews about whether and how deeply Amazon spies on the data that customers pay to store with Amazon Web Services, whether such shitty behavior is morally justified because money, or whether Amazon just happened to have the same ideas around the same time it talked to people with the original ideas. Several dozen Amazons arrive to insist that they were working on the garbage product in question as many as seven years ago.

Editorial board of Index and more than 70 staff members resign
July 24, 2020 (comments)

The Hungarian government continues the war against its own users. Hackernews fights about whether the United States is a democracy, then about what the European Union is, then about why journalism is circling the drain. For dessert, some Hungarian throwaway accounts show up and whatabout as many other countries as they can think of. No technology is discussed.

Doing stupid stuff with GitHub Actions
July 25, 2020 (comments)
A webshit slowly begins to discover that other people's computers are also programmable. Hackernews marvels at the concept of a computer program execution service executing computer programs. Hackernews appreciates what passes for ingenuity these days but there's nothing interesting to say on the matter, so there are almost no comments.

New ‘Meow’ attack has deleted almost 4k unsecured databases
July 26, 2020 (comments)
An Internet vigilante helpfully secures customer data around the world, for free. Hackernews is of the opinion that database vendors should be held responsible for lax security, primarily because the alternative is holding programmers responsible, and there is no way Hackernews is setting foot on that slippery slope. I cannot resist sharing this quote: "Depending on what data is being deleted, it may have real life economic consequences for individual people. What if one of the databases has a record of credits you've purchased at your local spin studio?" This is a real opinion held by an actual concerned Hackernews, followed by the most wonderful possible example of "real life economic consequences."

Intel ousts its chief engineer, shakes up technical group after delays
July 27, 2020 (comments)
Having failed to appease the Seven Nanometer Gods, the Council of Elders at Intel cast their Lead Technowizard into the void, and shatter the Magekeep into disparate pieces, entrusting their protection to a legion of Bureaucracy Golems nestled deep in the Pits of Corporate Synergy. Hackernews takes a break from furiously ordering two-hour Prime delivery of Chinese counterfeit Hydroflasks to express deep concern for the death of American manufacturing. They follow up with some noise about national defense, but soon they have to get back to work shoveling other people's information into the hands of stateless international corporations incapable of patriotism or humanity.

Historical programming-language groups disappearing from Google
July 28, 2020 (comments)
Google (business model: "Uber for shutdowns") decides the easiest way to search all of the Usenet data is to keep deleting shit. Some apostate Hackernews suggest that perhaps taking the output of years of public collaborative effort and entrusting its care to a pack of sapless profit hounds who are accountable to nobody might eventually result in sadness. Plenty of other Hackernews arrive to explain that the good people who sign their paychecks are in no way to blame for this or any other bad move, and that the fault lies squarely with people who don't run their own blogs. Somehow.

July 29, 2020 (comments)
Delicious (business model: "Uber for Ctrl+B") finally seems like it might eventually make a profit. Hackernews suffers a paralyzing nostalgia attack, which turns into complaints from old people about the webshit companies they used to work for. A side discussion occurs wherein Hackernews attempts to define racism.

Apple does not keep the 30% commission on a refund
July 30, 2020 (comments)
An Internet was wrong about something unimportant. An apology and correction is issued. Hackernews votes for the apology tweet fifteen hundred times and spends three hundred fifty comments bikeshedding Apple's terms of service.

Nvidia is reportedly in ‘advanced talks’ to buy ARM for more than $32B
July 31, 2020 (comments)
nVIDIA shops at Softbank's garage sale, and at last discovers a way to be taken seriously in the mobile market. Hackernews absolutely cannot figure out why anyone would want to own the most widely used processor technology on Earth.

Ask HN: Is all of FAANG like this?
A Very Special Episode of Webshit Weekly
I don't normally pay attention to "Ask HN" or "Show HN" or any of the navel-gazing shitposting festivals in which Hackernews obsess over their pageantry; there are other sites focused on such autofellation, and it's generally not interesting enough to spend five minutes reading a weekly summary of some asshole's opinion of webshit forum moderation policy. But this post is special.
In it, a Hackernews makes a disposable account to report experiences at a FAANG company. In it, we are treated to a description of daily life: do jack shit, half-ass your way through everything, and try to slide past as often as possible. Our deponent expresses some concern that if one leadership-class Silicon Valley Hype Machine sucks this much... might they all?
While I can't tell whether this is Look How Much Smarter I Am humblebragging from the author or a doe-eyed naïf's first personal contact with a real live Silicon Valley treadmill, the response from Hackernews is sure to delight any spectator, as their advice ranges from "just work harder so your new masters will treat you like a human one day" to "quit all jobs and immediately borrow money to start a company and keep borrowing money until you are Jeff Bezos."

webshit weekly (2020/07/21)

An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the third week of July, 2020.

Hackers take over prominent Twitter accounts in simultaneous attack
July 15, 2020 (comments)
Twitter soft-launches its new application programming interface, and in the process demonstrates conclusively that advertising on the platform absolutely does not work. The "Hacker" "News" hall monitors point out that the resulting discussion is so large that the forum software used by "Hacker" "News," written by celebrated programming genius Paul Graham, cannot display more than a couple hundred plaintext comments at once. Hackernews thinks that any attack on Twitter must be part of a grand multinational conspiracy designed to subvert the course of human history, instead of the natural outcome of an absentee CEO hiring a few thousand webshits and disappearing back into a yacht club.

When your coworker does great work, tell their manager
July 16, 2020 (comments)
An Internet reminds us that there are more dialog options when conversing with management than "when can I take my office chair home." Hackernews correctly despises common corporate personnel review practices, but espouses directionless micromanagement as the solution. Most of the comments comprise an attempt to crowdsource a solution to disinterested management, presumably to fix whatever the fuck is going on at Twitter.

Former ICANN CEO is now co-CEO of the private equity firm that tried to buy .org
July 17, 2020 (comments)
A burglar successfully reaches the hideout, only to discover all of the loot was left back at the ransacked institution. One Hackernews points out the importance of keeping an eye on the public's shit, but this immediately devolves into other Hackernews bitching that words don't all mean the same things they meant in the Victorian age. The rest of the comments are bloviating about class wars or attempting to solve social problems with blockchains.

OpenAI's GPT-3 may be the biggest thing since Bitcoin
July 18, 2020 (comments)
Only halfway through the year, we are treated to the Hackernewsest headline of 2020. An absolute asshole uses an overgrown Eliza implementation to write a barely-coherent puff piece about itself. This, decides Hackernews, is the beginning of a new era, in which nothing really has changed over previous AI text generators aside from a moderate improvement in the use of punctuation. The only question, debates Hackernews, is whether this new era is destined to have absolutely no effect in any measurable way, or the slightest inching toward a possible future in which OpenAI produces something of use to people who do not run affiliate spamblogs for a living. What a time to be alive!

Fixing Mass Effect black blobs on modern AMD CPUs
July 19, 2020 (comments)
Some Internets spend a lot of time fixing an old computer game by working around Microsoft's bullshit. Hackernews is dissatisfied with the level of effort expended. Some Hackernews prefer to ramble about unrelated flaws in other computer games, but one Hackernews gleefully suggests that links to blogs on the internet is what makes Hackernews special.

Turns out half the internet has a single-point-of-failure called “Cloudflare”
July 20, 2020 (comments)
Cloudflare fucks everything up again and one of their competitors writes the after-action review. Hackernews takes this opportunity to trot out a litany of complaints about Cloudflare, from the poor technical decisions the now-massive company inflicts on webshits, to the audacity of Cloudflare's leadership to operate their corporation as they see fit, to the catastrophic consequences of not consulting Hackernews before making a configuration change. Later in the comment threads, Hackernews tries to ascertain whether establishing a global monopoly on a network service is irredeemably evil or a moral imperative.

Invert, always, invert
July 21, 2020 (comments)
A webshit bureaucrat delivers tips and tricks to appear as though you are capable of rational thought. The author does not seem to know what all of the words involved actually mean, leading to the accusation of pontification being leveled at an apparently-respected source. Hackernews plays around with the idea that one can produce p by ensuring not-q but stumbles and falls when some of the resulting incantations fail to make literal sense. It turns out that the German everyone keeps quoting was talking about mathematics instead of bolstering employee productivity metrics at a massive faceless corporate consultancy, but Hackernews still feels smarter for having been exposed to it.