webshit weekly (2021/01/21)

An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the third week of January, 2021.

Signal is having technical difficulties
January 15, 2021 (comments)
Signal (business model: "Uber for texting") falls over. Most communications protocols are federated, and would survive one company's servers eating dirt, but Signal's owner/operator has decided this would degrade the user experience, presumably worse than the entire service shitting the bed out loud. Hackernews assumes that Signal is incapable of paying its hosting fees, and comes to the rescue by sending their money to a company that can't spin up cloud nodes fast enough to serve text messages. Other Hackernews bemoan the fact that once again they look like idiots, since they just conned half their friends and family into signing up for this mess.

Google Safe Browsing can kill a startup
January 16, 2021 (comments)
A webshit learns a hard lesson about keeping all your eggs in someone else's basket. Hackernews can't decide whether the problem lies with Google's entirely absent customer service or with the fact that Google does not give a demonstrable fuck about anything except e-stalking the planet to sell ads. An Elder Webshit arrives to narrate the origin story of the abuse vector Google is currently mismanaging, which results in a lengthy dialectic seeking to identify the proper arbiter of online assholery, the better to protect the poor unwashed morons who can't even type javascript into a computer. Along the way, Hackernews informs us that disabled people should fuck off to some other internet and stop trying to use theirs.

HR is not your friend, and other things I think you should know
January 17, 2021 (comments)
An Internet helps transmit the ancient wisdom to the next generations, but strangely limits the context of the epistle to one department. In reality, no aspect of any corporation is your friend. Your friends are your friends; anyone who has to be paid to be in the same room as you is at best a disinterested third party. Hackernews takes this concept to its ludicrous extreme, and declares that all professional relationships are lies, the concept of a job is a fleeting illusion, and you are minutes away from being a godforsaken starveling at all times.

I wasted $40k on a fantastic startup idea
January 18, 2021 (comments)
A webshit attempts to start a business machinesplaining medicine to doctors. We are subjected to the emotional journey of discovery in which the webshit learns that most professionals are unwilling to pay for information they are already ostensible experts on. Only programmers, it turns out, desire such a service, and since Stack Overflow already exists, there's not much of a market for it there either. Hackernews plods around trying to figure out if there's a way this idea could be salvaged, then realize that scraping webshit databases maybe isn't the best foundation upon which to construct the edifice of human healthcare. No, decides Hackernews, some things require more than just React and some statistics. Maybe Tensorflow?

Amazon: Not OK – Why we had to change Elastic licensing
January 19, 2021 (comments)
A small boat has been swallowed by a fish so large they haven't even noticed they're in the belly already. Hackernews debates the legality and morality of the business plan Amazon has deployed in this situation, and eventually come to the correct conclusion: Elastic is a hosting provider who thought they were a database vendor, and now they will be digested by hosting providers who are large enough to underwrite a database engineering team as a rounding error. Hackernews digs around for previous examples to compare this process, but loses interest after a while and just starts whining about how nobody really believes in open source any more. Worry not, reader, no executives were harmed.

Select a muscle and it provides the exercises to workout the selected muscle
January 20, 2021 (comments)
Some webshits produce a really boring coloring book. The site purports to advise exercises, but I was unable to cause it to teach me to strengthen my face. Interactive javascript toys about exercising are more accessible to Hackernews than exercising, especially when the javascript results in looped video of fit people straining at things. The creator of the webshit arrives in the comments and is immediately attacked by hordes of Hackernews who have each embraced a different trademarked exercise regiment as the unassailable law of the gym.

AWS announces forks of Elasticsearch and Kibana
January 21, 2021 (comments)
Amazon drops the first shovel of dirt into Elastic's grave. Hackernews repeats the previous round of arguments on the topic, to wit: "If Elastic doesn't like it why did they license the code to enable it" versus "Amazon should be nicer to the poor millionaires." Nobody asks why the CEO sold three quarters of a million shares last month.

webshit weekly (2021/01/14)

An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the second week of January, 2021.

Permanent suspension of @realDonaldTrump
January 08, 2021 (comments)
Twitter begins oppressing the most vulnerable and defenseless segment of society: the President of the United States. Hackernews is outraged at every aspect of this action; not only is it wrong to kick an asshole off a chat website, the chat website didn't write a good enough essay about kicking the asshole off, and having the kicked the asshole off, the chat website did not immediately kick off a handful of other people Hackernews thinks are assholes. The users of "Hacker" "News", a website which regularly bans users, predict that banning users from chat websites is the surest sign of a global failure in government.

Amazon, Apple and Google Cut Off Parler
January 09, 2021 (comments)
Several extremely popular information technology service companies decline to do business with a pack of shitheads. The "Hacker" "News" hall monitor announces that more users than ever before are being banned from the site at an unprecedented rate. Nevertheless, Hackernews posts three and a half thousand comments, which surprisingly boil down to two basic types: Hackernews who hold opinions so strongly that they can no longer tell them apart from facts, and Hackernews who are convinced that the only proper ethical compass is one you build from first principles; a consistent moral code, asserts Hackernews, is based entirely on pedantic adherence to logical structure. If the resulting construct directly leads to human misery, at least you're not a hypocrite!

GNOME has no thumbnails in the file picker and my toilets are blocked
January 10, 2021 (comments)
An Internet is still mad at some programmers. Hackernews decides they know the real reason the programmers are wrong, and over a thousand people take turns explaining their extremely specific pet peeve. Each niche complaint is described as a symptom of the deeper disease: programmers are still writing programs without consulting Hackernews! The sooner we put a stop to this, we are assured, the sooner these meaningless complaints will stop circulating. The rest of the comments are from Hackernews who like things the way they are and threaten to start complaining if anyone changes anything.

Stealing Your Private YouTube Videos, One Frame at a Time
January 11, 2021 (comments)
A webshit gets paid for using an API. Hackernews is extremely interested in getting paid to use an API, but does not have anything significant to discuss on the topic, so they argue about the size of the paycheck instead..

Signal community: Reminder: Please be nice
January 12, 2021 (comments)
The administrators of a web forum tell their users to stop being assholes, and along the way conflate violent hate speech with being rude. The web forum in question is dedicated to a chat app so bad that its users had to make a web forum to talk to one another. Hackernews, of course, knows exactly how to handle asshole users, and is happy to lecture on the topic at length. Meanwhile, other Hackernews try to blame rude users on a specific country, for some reason.

Response to “WireGuard: great protocol, but skip the Mac app”
January 13, 2021 (comments)
An Internet is mad at some software on Christmas. Weeks later, Hackernews decides to notice and/or care. The resulting comment thread is Hackernews' recurring "walled gardens are bad" versus "walled gardens are the only reason to live" debate. Since Hackernews is still angry that their favorite cryptoracist fuckwits got chased off the Internet, Apple and Google take more of a beating than usual. Later, Hackernews argues about which computers or telephones they would buy if they lived in an alternate universe where non-Apple products are sold.

We don't need data scientists, we need data engineers
January 14, 2021 (comments)
A webshit bikesheds some job ads. Hackernews pays close attention so they can use just the right buzzwords when they push their 50,000-line node.js resume template to Github. It would be embarrassing if they changed terminology between pushing to the repo and blogging about it on Substack!

webshit weekly (2021/01/07)

An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the first week of January, 2021.

My Experience at Apple
January 01, 2021 (comments) (archive since the coward deleted it)
An Internet posts the heartwarming story of having narrowly escaped a career working for Apple. Hackernews relates every bad workplace experience they've ever had. Later, Hackernews decides to attack the author of the original article, including deciding that the author must be insane. Hackernews' proof? Questionable typopgraphy.

How to overcome Phone Addiction
January 02, 2021 (comments)
Hackernews is now just voting up spam blogs, just so they can talk about their favorite smartphone software. Most of it consists of programs designed to inhibit the functionality of the device you bought. One Hackernews is mad that the Marines exist, which seems like a reasonable position. This seemed to be a reasonable position until it became evident that Hackernews had the United States Marines confused with murderous robots, when the proper reason to be mad that the Marines exist is that the Army already has a perfectly serviceable infantry.

Uber discovered they’d been defrauded out of 2/3 of their ad spend
January 03, 2021 (comments)
The headline is unclear: the numbers in question involve Uber's $150MM online ad budget. In addition, Uber was in fact defrauded out of 100% of their online advertising budget, because every dollar you spend on online advertising may as well have been flushed down the toilet. Since Hackernews' entire life revolves around using Uber to commute to their adtech day job, then using Uber to get to their kickball league with their adtech startup co-conspirators, then using Uber to get back to their loft, this story captivates Hackernews wholly. Half the comments are from Hackernews who are aware that online advertising is worthless and the other half are from other Hackernews insisting the first half is mistaken.

A group of Google workers have announced plans to unionize
January 04, 2021 (comments)
A fraction of a percent of Google's employees build a labor union out of cardboard boxes and packing tape. Google managers begin carefully documenting all of the subpar work output and general behavior problems these employees will have demonstrated by the time someone gets around to firing them. Hackernews has some kind of emotional meltdown over the idea that anyone who knows how to type javascript into a computer would refuse to pretend they are uniquely irreplaceable golden children. Along the way, we are able to determine that Hackernews is not in fact positive what a labor union is, but is happy to tell us what they think other people assume labor unions are. No technology is discussed.

GitHub is fully available in Iran
January 05, 2021 (comments)
Microsoft expands the pool of lower-income nations they can exploit. A Microsoft arrives in the Hackernews comments to handle bug requests personally, both because there isn't anything better to do with Microsoft's time and because Hackernews comprises the majority of the population of people dumb enough to pay for Github Pro accounts. Hackernews relates every story they have ever heard involving Iran.

WhatsApp gives users an ultimatum: Share data with Facebook or stop using app
January 06, 2021 (comments)
Facebook continues the war on its own users. Hackernews is absolutely positive this is the most interesting and important thing to happen on January 6, 2021. There is nothing else that even comes close to being as important as this to talk about on January 6, 2021. Nothing else is even remotely this crucial -- it received 110% the votes of the next-highest-ranked story. A change in the terms of service of a fucking chat program is definitely, for sure, the most important event of January 6, 2021. What could possibly be as important as Facebook software policies? Nothing! Not on January 6, 2021, that's for damn sure!

No meetings, no deadlines, no full-time employees
January 07, 2021 (comments)
Gumroad (business model: "Uber for Etsy") explains why it's such a pain in the ass to interact with Gumroad in any meaningful way. Hackernews realizes this country doesn't provide health care and flips the fuck out. Then Hackernews realizes the author basically scammed some venture capitalists and gullible staff into building out a business that put the author firmly into the leisure class, and fights break out over whether this is evil, genius, evil genius, or just sort of a dick move.