webshit weekly (2018/01/21)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the third week of January, 2018.
January 15, 2018 (comments)
An Internet is lost in the SERP e-market and can no longer search happily. Hackernews briefly explodes with a litany of complaints about Google's failure to meet their expectations in basically every market Google has entered. Fortunately, they all come to their senses and chant the standard praises unto their Lords, lest the cloud is rent asunder by the wrath of the Googly appendage.
January 16, 2018 (comments)
Mozilla devotes yet more resources to things that are merely tangentially related to the only Mozilla product anyone has ever cared about. They expect their problem report to remain in NEW state in the Federal bug tracker indefinitely. Hackernews gets to armchair lawyering just in case the legal opinions of cloistered programmer drones ever become relevant. The consensus is that all of these politicians just need to study the OSI model and all these problems will go away.
January 17, 2018 (comments)
Mozilla posts more condescending cartoons to illustrate their new breakthrough: they can now compile code nobody writes much faster than they could before. Hackernews is staggered by this tremendous technical achievement -- to the degree that valid technical objections are derided as off-topic and heaped with scorn.
January 18, 2018 (comments)
A software project posts a release announcement explaining that their arbitrary schedule caused them to drop several features on the floor. Hackernews is tremendously excited that they can now poorly run Photoshop on computers that could have run Photoshop perfectly, before Hackernews got their hands on them. Dozens of pages of technical details are posted to enable others to run expensive software in the least convenient possible manner. Some Hackernews express intent to purchase hundreds of dollars of new hardware to give this a try.
January 19, 2018 (comments)
An Internet writes security software. To fit with Apple's overarching development recommendations, the software is trivially bypassed and jam-packed with XML. Hackernews complains that none of this class of software make it easy enough to hand control of your network over to strangers. When this gets boring they switch over to arguing about licenses for another hundred pages.
January 20, 2018 (comments)
Some journalists write alternate-history fiction about a dimension where Intel could possibly ever be held responsible for anything. Hackernews either doesn't realize it is fiction or seamlessly changes into a fanfiction forum, enumerating all of the individual market segments where Intel could (but will not) lose any significant amount of business. The rest of the comments are barely comprehensible lectures incorrecting each other about how processors work.
January 21, 2018 (comments)
A webshit is mad at Sarajevo's city council. Hackernews likes the pretty pictures. Other Hackernews get into the spirit of the webshit's armchair lawyering. Neither the original article or the resulting comment threads are worth even loading in a web browser, much less reading. No technology is discussed.
webshit weekly (2018/01/14)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the second week of January, 2018.
January 08, 2018 (comments)
A journalist has run out of things to talk about, and so resorts to whining about smartphones. Hackernews gets engrossed in a discussion of the finer points of introducing their children to Apple products without letting them learn how to fend for themselves. Other Hackernews are angry that this newspaper article is not a peer-reviewed academic paper with a citation list. Most of the rest of the comments are from people who regard any public expression of worry as a direct act of psychological warfare on the reader.
January 09, 2018 (comments)
Some Internets are angry that Google runs the web. The few Hackernews with the temerity to disagree with Google are buried in an avalanche of straw men stuffed with red herrings. Several dozen Hackernews try to imagine what search engine optimization should look like, without ever stopping to question why "search engine optimization" is a thing that the web would ever need in the first place. The consensus seems to be that AMP is necessary because without it people won't do what Google wants, which is clearly an unsustainable position for humanity to take.
January 10, 2018 (comments)
The police are not required to enforce webshit terms of service. Hackernews is glad to have the cops off their tails, but can't stop for a sigh of relief: they're wasting all their breath bickering about commonly-used legal terms in an attempt to justify software piracy.
January 11, 2018 (comments)
Microsoft pays some nerds. Hackernews, unwilling to settle for reinventing chat programs from first principles, reinvents the chat program industry from first principles. Some Hackernews wrestle with whether Signal is the encrypted comms tool that will save the world, or whether it's just another NSA front. A sidebar is held to bitch about Skype's user interface.
January 12, 2018 (comments)
A graduate student in the Rust Evangelism Strike Force is given enough rope. Hackernews spends some time shopping for light-blinking accoutrements and then questions whether it's even possible to write software that is not just a reimplementation of existing software. A subgroup of these decide the fundamental purpose of an operating system is to render webshit. A roll call is held for every operating system Hackernews has ever heard of.
January 13, 2018 (comments)
An Internet writes about coping with the death of a family member, concluding with some sage advice: "You should follow me on Twitter". Hackernews discards this instruction and instead pastes quotes about the deceased from every other Twitter account they can find. The rest of the comments are people speaking well of the dead and other people arguing about whose fault the death was.
January 14, 2018 (comments)
A webshit is mad because a spam company isn't following instructions. Hackernews is familiar with the spam company because they have all accidentally given it money. As usual with "I'm too stupid to direct the flow of my own capital" discussions on Hackernews, the thread devolves into competitive bank-shilling. The rest of the comment threads are the old Hackernews standards: "this website is dying because I don't like it," "this is a user interface problem and not a fundamental design flaw," "I am smarter than everyone I know," and the inevitable "I am better than you because I don't use this service."
webshit weekly (2018/01/07)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the first week of January, 2018.
January 01, 2018 (comments)
An Internet notices the Linux kernel developers swarming over some code. After looking at the changes, and reading about the other work of the authors, a conclusion is reached: there's a big problem poorly being kept secret. Hackernews grab their badges and guns and report for detective duty. After pages of furious discussion, they discover that there's a big problem poorly being kept secret. Some Hackernews are angry that the Internet is not helping to keep the secret.
January 02, 2018 (comments)
It is a good time to buy real estate in Laurel, Maryland. Hackernews thinks that the government should pay higher salaries to attract employees away from the current hub of surveillance: Silicon Valley. Other Hackernews think the real problem is that the existing Panopticon staff isn't working hard enough. A few Hackernews wonder if maybe the US is better off without a giant uncontrollable technoespionage agency, but this is regarded as crucial to competing on a stage. One Hackernews thinks the government is a good place for women to work because they can have more babies that way.
January 03, 2018 (comments)
The veil of incompetent secrecy is lifted from a big problem. Because the problem is more complicated than "fetching data from non-https URLs," Hackernews files into the virtual lecture hall to take turns misunderstanding it. It turns out the basis for every "computers are fast enough, we don't need to optimize this" excuse dating back to the release of Borat is useful for fucking over the basis of every Hackernews startup since the introduction of Amazon Web Services. Hackernews decides to design the solution in a web forum.
January 04, 2018 (comments)
An Internet wastes Google's hard drive space. The data activates automated bureaucrats. Hackernews trades war stories about the times they activated automated bureaucrats. Nobody has ever beaten them.
January 05, 2018 (comments)
The leading manufacturer of light-blinking hardware is smug about the fact that their computers are too primitive to be affected by the problems of real computers. The Monarch of the Echo Chamber arrives to ignore the article and whine about a different topic. The rest of Hackernews is just relieved that someone took the time to explain the issue to them.
January 06, 2018 (comments)
Some webshits fuck up. Their 'incident report' fails to mention this. Hackernews takes this opportunity to remind each other that this service is prone to such fuckery, but instead of fixing or replacing it, the right answer is to just make ten million copies of all the webshit in case you need it later. The rest of the comments are devoted to expressing shock that this happened, shock that this is allowed to happen, shock that it has happened before, and shock that it affected them. The webshit in question is praised for saying "fuck."
January 07, 2018 (comments)
An Internet points out that the engineering trade is full of assholes. Hackernews decide they are all victims; the reasoning is that because they were unpopular, awkward children, they must have undiagnosed developmental disorders. Some time is spent exploring the court of public opinion, then battle lines are drawn over whether problems are worth fixing or whether we're better off leaving assholes in charge.