webshit weekly (2018/11/14)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the second week of November, 2018.
November 07, 2018 (comments)
An Internet declares the current era to be the best ever for a hobby, despite having no experience with any preceding era of the hobby. Hackernews is happy to lecture one another on the proper method for engagement, then relay nostalgic stories from the last few golden ages.
November 08, 2018 (comments)
A webshit enumerates the layout of the default Bootstrap landing page. Hackernews trades links to their favorite Bootstrap landing pages, then bikesheds the article for a few hours. Despite the relatively large vote count on the article, there isn't much action in the comment thread, which usually means everyone likes the topic (in this case, meaningless webshit garbage) but the content isn't interesting enough to actually read.
November 09, 2018 (comments)
Some Internets are mad that a third-world government is using laws against its enemies. I redacted the goddamn Facebook tracking parameter embedded into the story link, but didn't bother fixing the pointless "presss-releases" folder in the url. Fully erect at the prospect of lecturing strangers on dimly-comprehended legal theory, Hackernews unleashes dozens of didactic analyses, all to set up their favorite debate topic of all time: why even have governments?
November 10, 2018 (comments)
Another webshit posts class notes from an introductory design course, which prompts Hackernews to post insightful tips like "use CSS to set colors in your web page." Because this is an elite community of web professionals, about half the comments are people bitching that display technology is insufficiently advanced to faithfully render the precise artistic inspiration they bring to the refined, high-class world of animated button highlights. The rest of the comments are links to almost identical webshits who blogged about this topic in days gone by.
November 11, 2018 (comments)
Google's shit was broken for three days, but according to the status page it was broken for ten hours. This effects a Hackernews catfight about whether Google really gives a shit about any of them, even for money. The answer is a resounding "no," but several hundred Hackernews are sufficiently emotionally invested in this corporation to defend their imaginary relationship for hours in a web forum. Several Googles show up to cheer on their fanclub instead of fixing the broken services.
November 12, 2018 (comments)
Google produces a new set of rituals for webshits to undertake if they wish to please their overlords. Running the compliance analyzer against this site results in bitching about https, again. Hackernews is mad that Google didn't consider Hackernews' pet webshit when concocting the judgment machine, and seeks vengeance by enumerating all the Google properties that are slow to load. Google seems unconcerned.
November 13, 2018 (comments)
A webshit blogs about some of the ways medium.com is terrible... on medium.com. Hackernews acknowledges that medium.com is no longer particularly nice to use, but stresses that this is an acceptable loss when faced with the necessity to appear to monetize their website. Hackernews spends an afternoon vivisecting the site and reverse engineering all the bad management decisions that led to the current shitpile, then recommends various shitty blog programs to try, based mostly on which programming language the commenter is capable of using.
November 14, 2018 (comments)
Amazon repackages OpenJDK and gives it an even dumber name. Hackernews explains the reason: people want long-term support, and of course an online retailer is the place to turn for that.
webshit weekly (2018/11/07)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the first week of November, 2018.
November 01, 2018 (comments)
An Internet cares a lot about every single detail about Apple's also-ran mapping service. Hackernews bemoans Apple's inability to display street names, then debates whether streets should even have names. The article author seems to think it extremely praiseworthy that Apple is using satellite surveillance to catalog the contents of our backyards, but Hackernews is mostly focused on trading anecdotes about the hazards of using Google or Apple maps outside of Silicon Valley.
November 02, 2018 (comments)
Some strangers on the internet promise to send you a computer one day, if you'll just give them thousands of dollars now. Hackernews enjoys pretending there are technical advantages to the promised computers, but the real reason everyone is abuzz is much simpler: someone other than Apple has finally envisioned a computer with rounded corners.
November 03, 2018 (comments)
An Internet is surprised that nobody fixed some bad software. The error predates most of Hackernews experience with computers, so this is designated the monthly nostalgia depository. As usual, this work includes cataloging every protocol or program Hackernews ever used, then trading recommendations for reimplementations of all of them. Near the end, Hackernews reinvents filenames from first principles, experimenting with the possibility that maybe file systems could be content-aware. The threads containing heresy are truncated and participants are quietly uninvited to the Christmas party.
November 04, 2018 (comments)
Some academics discover that people assert their desires as they grow less subservient to others. The Hackernews Mens Rights Activists arrive to carefully and thoroughly incorrect actual breathing women about all of their dangerous and wayward misconceptions regarding a wide range of Father Knows Best topics, including feminism, reproductive rights, economics, statistics, and, in a crowning achievement, someone's direct personal experience. The virtue of manhood is saved, but a few Hackernews are left wondering why chicks get so snippy when you try to explain this stuff.
November 05, 2018 (comments)
An academic considers it important for everyone to understand a set of topics that are best exemplified in the weird-ass niche projects the author's friends are running. Hackernews mostly doesn't read this, but knows a jumping off point when it shows up, so this thread becomes the Hackernews software-engineering thinkpiece pitch party. The original author cruises past and says hello on the way to the next funding agency.
November 06, 2018 (comments)
An Internet finds the six millionth bug in the worst virtualization software on the planet, and commendably releases the information immediately, allowing informed users to take protective measures, such as switching to a hypervisor that wasn't written by complete dipshits. Hackernews mulls it over and decides that Oracle had this coming, because Oracle is generally a pack of assholes, but those Hackernews with a vested interest in Ritualized Disclosure are careful to point out that nobody should release any knowledge without consulting Hackernews first.
November 07, 2018 (comments)
Hackernews was so in love with the last version of this that they made sure to fawn over it again today. Like last time, there are ten votes for every comment, because nobody actually read it, but at least this time the author didn't have to show up and apologize for this single-page static website falling over under load.
webshit weekly (2018/10/31)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the last week of October, 2018.
In order to ascertain whether it is even possible to read the Internet in the manner of a Hackernews without being in Silicon Valley, I traveled to a typical non-Bay-Area city and recorded some numbers regarding the content of the links. Attempting to consume this content from Nairobi revealed certain information I was not previously familiar with, such as "fuck CNBC." Each headline is followed by the access characteristics.
(11 requests for 1.14MB @ 18.78s)
October 22, 2018 (comments)
An Internet recounts all the times someone in arm's reach did something slightly suboptimally and got their phone snatched by the author, who is a giant douchebag. Some of the article's complaints are about the phone (and some of those are even still applicable) but mostly the author is angry that nobody is as good at using the phone as the author is. Hackernews spends several hours debating whether failure to pursue an advanced degree in Using Apple Products should be punishable by death.
(24 requests for 576.10KB @ 11.01s)
October 23, 2018 (comments)
Sam Altman would like to actually physically render the Earth uninhabitable for human beings. He has several plans to approach this goal, all centered around pouring shitloads of money into incredibly naive, hamfisted "solutions" to problems nobody in Sam Altman's life actually comprehends. Hackernews lines up with their pitch decks, having been experiencing recurring erotic dreams about this day for many years. Most of the comments are Hackernews incorrecting each other about chemistry in an attempt to convince one another that anyone in the room can define 'environment' in terms unrelated to shell scripting.
(203 requests for 5.80MB @ 24.57s)
October 24, 2018 (comments)
An Internet tweets a lie. Hackernews bikesheds the lie.
(61 requests for 2.79MB @ 9.91s)
October 25, 2018 (comments)
A business that sells replacement parts is happy about some laws permitting replacement parts to be sold. Hackernews is fascinated to discover that someone has been shoving computers into everyday objects for several decades, and the software running on those computers is uniformly bad. This is obviously grounds for an argument over whether or not theft is bad, followed by an argument over whether or not theft is even real.
(one request for 998.83KB @ 7.19s)
October 26, 2018 (comments)
Some students procrastinate. Hackernews argues about whether or not the periodic table of elements even works, then over the fashionability of the works cited in the procrastination paper. One Hackernews remembers another paper, and hopes everyone can help find it.
(72 requests for 3.63MB @ 8.99s)
October 27, 2018 (comments)
NASA posts a meaningful outage post-mortem. Hackernews takes heart that even complicated orbital maneuvers can be oversimplified and trivialized sufficiently for Hackernews to disdain. Once the silly space telescope people are sufficiently derided, Hackernews starts a betting pool regarding the exact date that orbital research careers will be eclipsed by artificial intelligence. Smart money is sometime in fiscal year 2020.
(111 requests for 6.28MB @ 3m 49.2s)
October 28, 2018 (comments)
At long last, Lotus Notes (motto: "the PulseAudio of groupware") and PulseAudio (motto: "the Lotus Notes of audio bureaucracy") are under the same roof. Hackernews has, over the years, developed a vicious, seething hatred of IBM, because it is sufficiently large as to not give a shit about magical Renaissance supermen like Hackernews. All of the times that someone at IBM failed to care about a Hackernews are documented here. Later, a list of Red Hat projects is created, all of which are expected to burn and die once the adults show up and ask where the money is.
(309 requests for 14.87MB @ 1m 19s)
October 29, 2018 (comments)
An asshole writes a 368-word article, then the webshits show up and serve 14.6 megabytes of unrelated bullshit for no reason. Hackernews doesn't even notice, because they're deep in the 'depressive' phase of the Hackernews Manic-Depressive Webshit Disorder, wherein commenters mourn the loss of agency, privacy, and dignity involved with all of the engagement-hacking they do at their day jobs. Within a week someone at one of the surveillance media companies will write a distributed eventually-consistent database in Rust, and Hackernews will explode with mania, completely forgetting the soul-crushing effect their work has on their fellow humans. For now, they're content to complain about how standing aside and doing nothing is no longer considered a commendable political act.
(74 requests for 1.92MB @ 5.94s)
October 30, 2018 (comments)
Having crowed about some legal victories a few days ago, the repair-parts business must have made it into some Hackernews' RSS readers, because they are back in the news with a story about a rarely-applicable line buried somewhere in an Apple product manual. Hackernews spends a while pretending to be OSHA inspectors as a warmup to a marathon session of incorrecting one another about elemental chemistry.
(124 requests for 4.30MB @ 35.83s)
October 31, 2018 (comments)
NPR posts a story confirming the plot of every weed movie since Cheech met Chong. Hackernews recreates every barstool debate about drug prohibition, then goes on to a bizarre holier-than-thou chain of pothead philosophy. No technology is discussed.