webshit weekly (2020/06/30)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the last week of June, 2020.
June 22, 2020 (comments)
A pseudointellectual shuts down an empathy-removal training camp to deter the likelihood of spilling compromising information to detractors and ethics committees. Hackernews, many of whom took their first steps toward absolutely dehumanizing the Other in this very camp, sadly reminisces about the particular word salads that first showed them their own inherent greatness. Hackernews segments into several work crews: one to explain why all journalists should be exiled to outer space, one to make guesses about the 'real reason' the training camp was evacuated, one to bemoan the difficulty of maintaining anonymity in the face of highly-profitable shitposting under two-thirds of your actual name, and one to remind us that taking responsibility for the things we do and say is a wasteful hobby for stupid babies.
June 23, 2020 (comments)
A webshit single-handedly invents a completely novel method of monetizing software development: charging money for it and including documentation. This results in a fully-illustrated two-thousand-word explanation of the miraculous revelation, of which Hackernews is equal parts derisive (because the webshit is insufficiently rich as a result of this effort) and overtly contemptuous (because receiving money in exchange for labor is some kind of sucker's game). The pictures are pretty, though, so Hackernews votes for the article anyway.
June 24, 2020 (comments)
Apple accidentally dimes out one of their biggest customers. The resulting furor makes everyone mad at the customer. Hackernews is upset less by the fact that TikTok (business model: "Uber for Vine") is collecting scads of information it doesn't need and more by the fact that other companies Hackernews actually likes are doing the same thing. As for Apple, Hackernews can't figure out why they would enable this obviously shitty behavior, until clarity is finally reached: Apple is shipping all your shit to the central government of a genocidal dictatorship* so that you'll get mad at software, which Apple can then beat up on your behalf.
June 25, 2020 (comments)
A webshit is mad that Apple is redirecting people from some parasitic intercessor to an actual trade association. Hackernews lists about twelve million similar niche search terms which Apple incorrects for them, then spends a couple hundred comments crowdsourcing a lead on which side of some terrible neural network A/B test they're on. Some Apples show up in the comment to explain that nobody cares unless you sign up for a developer account.
June 26, 2020 (comments)
June 27, 2020 (comments)
Some webshits are excited that someone gave money to Indistinguishable Web Forum Software Package number 16,939,392. Hackernews debates whether this will attract really shitty people of the sort who are famous for getting their Reddit forums closed. It won't, because those people just move to different Reddit forums with slightly different names until the next time a news outlet realizes what a horrific nightmare farm Reddit is. Most of the remaining comments are specific complaints about Reddit or links to other Indistinguishable Web Forum Software Packages nobody uses either.
June 28, 2020 (comments)
Some webshits take an existing webshit graphics library and extend it to produce even worse output involving XML. Hackernews enjoys the needlessly-constrained retro vibe of the results, notices that it works slightly better for people who cannot distinguish colors (but would continue to do so without rubbing XML all over it), and has absolutely nothing else to say on the matter.
June 29, 2020 (comments)
The government of India shits upon Chinese cyberwarfare assets from a great height. Hackernews is perplexed as to why a government would consider China (a nuclear power bent on ethnic cleansing, territory expansion, and absolute totalitarianism) would be regarded as a threat, while large corporations (international clubs of people who enjoy money) would not, despite those two things being, to Hackernews, indistinguishable. What follows is a slow-motion meltdown as half of Hackernews tries to explain to the other half of Hackernews that 'morality' is a concept that can exist independently of key performance indicators, strategic directives, sprint goals, or initial coin offerings. The message does not sink in.
June 30, 2020 (comments)
An Internet steps away from the helm of a popular malware vector library. Hackernews is not sure that the software can survive in the face of consensus-based leadership, not sure that the software in question should currently exist, and not sure the software in question should ever have existed, but is absolutely positive that they have seen the word 'Redis' somewhere and so this story gets a vote. Later, Hackernews debates whether software engineering as a discipline can continue to exist since Those People (You Know Who) are mean to techbros on Twitter.
* China. The genocidal dictatorship is China. The government of China is violently evil, is what I'm getting at.
webshit weekly (2020/06/21)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the third week of June, 2020.
June 15, 2020 (comments)
Adobe beats a dead horse. Hackernews spends the afternoon either eulogizing the horse or describing their horrible plans to reanimate its corpse. Since watching webshit cartoons from dying forums is the closest thing Hackernews has to a shared childhood experience, a tremendous amount of labor is wasted in pursuit of the latter. Other Hackernews prefer to pontificate on ex post facto explanations for Apple's visionary refusal to put a shitload of engineering effort into someone else's application platform. Whether the genius of Apple was deployed in pursuit of technical excellence or for the good of all mankind remains Hackernews' highest-stakes debate.
June 16, 2020 (comments)
June 17, 2020 (comments)
A hero arrives to tell us what to buy. Hackernews agrees with the webshit's opinion, but isn't convinced by the webshit's reasoning. We're treated to a cavalcade of incredibly specific reasons that Hackernews prefers a given monitor configuration, with the only possible conclusion being that we should continue doing whatever we were doing before, with absolutely no regard to the original webshit's insistence that there is a right answer.
June 18, 2020 (comments)
Mozilla, a company known only for producing a perennial also-ran of a web browser, continues to avoid the only task that would ever be worth their time (improving the goddamn browser) and instead builds yet another half-assed networking product that nobody asked for. It will either bankrupt the company or be shut down shortly before they get through the invite-only list of idiots who have agreed to introduce a Mozillan indirection layer to the Cloudflare DNS data collection initiative. Hackernews is desperate to give money to Mozilla, but is apparently unwilling to just donate to the nonprofit, instead demanding subpar imitations of other Google services.
June 19, 2020 (comments)
A webshit is mad that Apple gets to do whatever the fuck it wants with its servers. Rather than just paying them, a startup decides that rules-lawyering and social media will work, and definitely will not cause Apple to play Lucy to their Charlie Brown. Hackernews is on their side but unwilling to believe there's any way to change Apple's behavior short of a government occupation of Cupertino. Here follows another twelve hours of extemporaneous play-by-plays of imaginary chess games.
June 20, 2020 (comments)
Some webshits explain to us that advanced computer science degrees are unnecessary, and proceed to recommend reading books and watching videos produced as part of advanced computer science degree programs. We are further informed that if we absolutely require actual instruction, we may pay the webshits a chunk of money instead. Hackernews also has strong opinions regarding how people should spend their time and money, but there is one point of consensus: absolutely nothing matters except how much money someone is willing to give you when you are done. A couple of mavericks enjoy 'creating new knowledge,' but they're disregarded as irrelevant.
June 21, 2020 (comments)
Some webshits don't like email. Hackernews can't decide if they also hate email or if it's the only part of the internet worth using. Since the webshits are delivering their email-related complaints via a parody of the startup who was mad at Apple a couple days before, Hackernews upvotes the joke, but since the webshit here is almost entirely devoid of actual content, there are not many comments about it.
webshit weekly (2020/06/14)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the second week of June, 2020.
June 08, 2020 (comments)
Bitcoin Idiots, LLC proudly declare that they are the best at Numberwang because they don't hire systems administrators, and instead give real money to Amazon, which does not accept Fedoral Reserve Notes. Hackernews tells horror stories about trying to administer systems without any systems administrators, and then can't figure out whether knowing how computers work makes you a systems administrator, or if you're still a programmer with a filthy penchant for forbidden knowledge. Later, Hackernews argues about whether containers or virtual machines start faster. The rest of the comments are a discussion on which real company to hire to handle your webshit until one of them buys your startup.
June 09, 2020 (comments)
The Rust Evangelism Strike Force heralds the first real improvement to the Rust programming language: the ability to use a completely different programming language. Hackernews pretends to argue about the right way to use this powerful old tool, but as usual they're really just bitching about which punctuation marks they prefer to use. Everyone agrees that it's nice to finally be able to use real programming languages while still putting Rust experience on your resume.
June 10, 2020 (comments)
Zoom (business model: "Uber for chaturbate") fiercely pursues the lucrative "indiscriminate bootlicker" market segment. In this episode, they decline to provide services to someone who remembers that China is a brutal dictatorship entirely controlled by murderous cowards. Some Hackernews are concerned that Zoom might be a pack of simpering ferrets, unable to uphold or even reliably identify a single civil right, but other Hackernews arrive to reassure us that it doesn't matter whether Zoom is a disgraceful moral void, bereft of a single shred of moral fiber, because sometimes their computer program is convenient. Most of Hackernews is divided into two camps: mewling pansies who tearfully await the Chinese domination they consider inevitable, and morons who think that knowing which browser extensions to install enables them to ignore decades of human rights abuses in the name of one-click meeting launches.
June 11, 2020 (comments)
MIT (business model: "Uber for klout") cuts out the middleman. Hackernews is keenly interested in determining who else can be cut out. Some Hackernews think that this is The End for the journal publisher with which MIT parted ways, but other Hackernews point out that printing academic papers isn't the only parasitic business model that company has developed. Most of the rest of Hackernews wants to whine about the academic publishing process, but a few show up to reprosecute the life and death of Aaron Swartz.
June 12, 2020 (comments)
Zoom (business model: "Uber for whatever makes Xi happy") publicly announces a total abandonment of any redeemable corporate leadership whatsoever, along with an intent to make their craven, indefensible failure less visible to the United States, so that they can continue collecting money from Western businesses without making anyone remember that Zoom has reached almost inhuman levels of debasement and shame. Hackernews is trying to figure out whether Zoom is really as cartoonishly evil as they appear or whether it's all just a big misunderstanding. There is no word on whether the Fraternal Order of Police has officially endorsed Zoom.
June 13, 2020 (comments)
An Internet wants us to use some software. Hackernews likes this idea because they can more easily fuck with some files, but this almost immediately turns into a debate about who actually owns the data on your computer. A non-trivial subset of Hackernews believe that answer might range from "not you" to "maybe you sometimes," with other Hackernews timidly suggesting that the answer might often veer into "you." The rest of the comments are people grateful to be outsourcing i/o to a library instead of having to understand how i/o works.
June 14, 2020 (comments)
Google (business model: "fuck you") decides that URLs are unattractive, and users would be better off with a giant unexplained blank space at the top of their web browser. Hackernews thinks this should be taken further, and browsers should do all kinds of dumb shit instead of just showing you what anything is. This creates a dilemma for Hackernews: what happens when one abstraction, such as breadcrumbs, collides with another abstraction, such as Windows Libraries? The answer turns out to be "nobody cares," because once either of those things breaks down users just do something else instead, no matter what postgraduate certificates your UI/UX envisioneers hold. The rest of the comments are Hackernews debating which arcane browser configuration flags to molest, and how long that might work.