webshit weekly (2017/05/21)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the third week of May, 2017.
Nobody mentioned Rust this week. The Strike Force communications office commented, "They're not even [within] 100 miles. They are not in any place. They hold no place in TIOBE. This is an illusion ... they are trying to sell to the others an illusion."
May 15, 2017 (comments)
Some bureaucrats have opinions about software. They are characteristically worthless, to the point that even Hackernews recognizes it. Not all of Hackernews, though: about half the comments are people who believe advertisements from genetics startups. Some asshole wants to know if the bureaucrats "accept pull requests." The entire thread is a battleground between people who understand mathematics and people for whom all computational analysis is magic. The mathematicians are vastly outnumbered.
May 16, 2017 (comments)
A magazine publishes a slaveowner's memoir. Hackernews gets together to be sad about their own slaves, and defending the necessity of remaining complicit in human trafficking. Other Hackernews work hard to map the slavedriver/enslaved relationship into their understanding of family dynamics, which appears to have been entirely derived from Donna Reed television shows. As usual, someone blames capitalism, the opposite of which is apparently farming. Many Hackernews explain that housewives are not slaves because they are paid for their services, which is a truly breathtaking misunderstanding of slavery, families, and money, all at the same time.
May 17, 2017 (comments)
An internet suddenly finds himself being charged for services by a service provider. Since the provider is in fact Google, it is not normally possible to speak to a human being about the service, but this particular person knows the secret path to customer support: throwing a huge goddamn temper tantrum all over the internet. It works, of course, and Hackernews spends several hours telling stories about when they suddenly found themselves having to pay for things. The rest of the thread is people reassuring each other that Google is not supposed to care about paying customers, and it is best to accept your place as a faceless plebian, deserving of nothing.
May 18, 2017 (comments)
The British government would like you to store secrets in your clipboard, because of how "many" or "most" password managers behave. Hackernews spends a couple days bitching about other web developers, other security administrators, other computer users, and governments. Hackernews is fine though.
May 19, 2017 (comments)
Sweden has decided Ecuador is a jerk, and has given up attempting to prosecute an attention whore. Hackernews lies to each other for several hours about every possible facet of this completely uninteresting event. Whatsisname's status remains unchanged.
May 20, 2017 (comments)
May 21, 2017 (comments)
webshit weekly (2017/05/14)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the second week of May, 2017.
May 08, 2017 (comments)
A web browser vendor would like your help defending its business model. Hackernews of all nations come together to trade misinformation and confusion about each other's local telecommunications regulation. Nothing productive occurs.
May 09, 2017 (comments)
A music software vendor would like your help bolstering its profit model. Hackernews spends a couple of days recommending inferior replacements for less money, before deciding that the music notation system in use for nearly a thousand years is ripe for disruption -- and this random collection of idiots on a web forum is just the group for the job.
May 10, 2017 (comments)
A pizza shop billboard breaks, revealing that it was logging who looked at it. Hackernews is horrified, except for the people who were surprised everyone didn't know this. They sit down to construct a concept of privacy from first principle. They fail, but they have a good time whining about cashiers.
May 11, 2017 (comments)
An internet quits working and writes spammy blog shit for a living. Hackernews decides people don't like to work because all work is either meaningless or evil, but it's definitely everyone else's fault. Also the entire monetary system is worthless, we should envy the impoverished, capitalism will kill us all, and they all quit jobs they loved because someone was mean to them. The unanimous consensus: take a couple years off and just fuck around.
May 12, 2017 (comments)
An internet fucks up a lot of computers. Hackernews makes popcorn and sets about armchair-quarterbacking the past quarter-century of computing policy. Each Hackernews has a unique set of inviolate rules that would have prevented all of this. None of them are compatible with any of the others. Eventually, someone blames the actual concept of patriotism. Nobody fixes anything. The Rust Evangelism Strike Force executes a Hackernews on live television for daring to mention their name.
May 13, 2017 (comments)
An internet squats a domain in some malware. It has the effect of stopping that version of the malware from spreading. Hackernews resumes the previous day's blame-assignment party (spoiler: "everyone but us").
May 14, 2017 (comments)
Exhausted by the high-concept debate of the previous two days, Hackernews settles in for some good old-fashioned webshit. An internet makes a shitty database, which uses the phrase "SSD-optimized" to mean "we didn't do any write-combining and we assume you have no cache." The motivation for creating the shitty database boils down to "the one we were using wasn't written in a hipster language."
webshit weekly (2017/05/07)
An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the first week of May, 2017.
May 01, 2017 (comments)
Google enables webshits to remove the 'browsing' part of their web browser. Hackernews trades python programs about it. One Hackernews is inspired to run his browser several times with a filesystem and a network interface for each copy, but dismisses virtual machines as "too heavy." Everyone else just wants to take screenshots without the 'screen' part.
May 02, 2017 (comments)
Some biologists use a gene editing tool to edit genes. Hackernews trades youtube videos and NPR stories so they can more effectively pretend to understand anything. One Hackernews has a friend who totally fixed everything and just needs venture capital. The rest of the comments are people misquoting the NPR stories in an attempt to sound educated.
May 03, 2017 (comments)
May 04, 2017 (comments)
A jitney cab outfit is in dutch with the fuzz. Hackernews divides into two groups: people who are slightly upset at how brazenly Uber is willing to shit on the law, and people who are firmly convinced that no laws are valid if such laws prevent money from changing hands. Most of the people on the latter side are the same idiots who insist that Uber is "ride-sharing" and not just a shitty taxi company. Countless thousands of words are wasted arguing about whether Uber is demonstrating "civil disobedience" or "criminal conspiracy."
May 05, 2017 (comments)
Some internets realize their overbuilt C++ shitware is falling over. They are forced to delve into the guts of a terrible programming language to fix it. Hackernews trades battle stories about their shitty code, the bad choices of libraries they made when writing their shitty code, the ridiculous programming languages they selected to implement everything, and the trash hardware they bought to run it all. The rest of the thread is bikeshedding the blog post.
May 06, 2017 (comments)
May 07, 2017 (comments)
An internet whines about Wikipedia's checkbook. Hackernews swoops in to jerk off about Warren Buffet quotes, profound thoughts about leadership in technology, and pointless speculation about Wikipedia's management policies. Nobody performs a cost-benefit analysis of just eradicating Wikipedia altogether. Some of the more useless Hackernews gather at the bottom of the page to bikeshed the article's title.