webshit weekly

An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the third week of November, 2017.

Code together in real time with Teletype for Atom
November 15, 2017 (comments)
Some webshits produce a multiplayer text editor. Hackernews creepily namedrops the authors and points out that other webshit text editors contain similar DLC. Another Hackernews expresses astonishment that text editing did not strain a laptop. Complaints that a Chrome-based text editor consumes too many compute resources are dismissed because they are too frequent. A Github shows up to brag that "you can type without almost any lag."

Tesla Roadster
November 16, 2017 (comments)
The Muskonauts trumpet the arrival of a $200,000 car they intend to sell, presumably after they figure out how to actually manufacture the last car they intended to sell. Hackernews spends hours debating whether to invest in a company that cannot turn a profit and is currently setting fire to half a billion dollars monthly. The armchair automotive engineers wax tumescent as they bicker over whether the hypothetical car is the best car ever made or the best car it is possible to make. As with all previous Tesla circlejerks, nobody shows or even discusses what happens when the vehicle attempts to turn.

Microsoft and GitHub team up to take Git virtual file system to macOS, Linux
November 17, 2017 (comments)
Github indicates in the traditional manner that it will soon go into receivership: entering into a partnership with Microsoft. The project is perfectly attuned to Github's "undecentralize version control systems" business model, as well as Microsoft's "bizarre overengineering in lieu of functionality" approach to technology. Hackernews bikesheds the article, then bickers about which abandoned or never-released project would have fixed all this.

Norway Idea to Exit Oil Stocks Is ‘Shot Heard Around the World’
November 18, 2017 (comments)
An iceberg threatens to manage its stock portfolio. Hackernews shits out terminology they read on Bloomberg.

Qubes OS: A reasonably secure operating system
November 19, 2017 (comments)
Some Internets think virtualization will save them. One third of the project's news articles are security advisories. Hackernews admires the maintainers' rejection of filthy compromises like "persistent storage." Some time is wasted praying to various Technology Gods for intervention and salvation of secure software projects that previously wandered into the wastes.

Modern Media Is a DoS Attack on Free Will
November 20, 2017 (comments)
An internet vomits a lengthy, strained analogy, designed to allow cloistered turbonerds to understand rudimentary pop psychology. Hackernews launches into the same tired lecture about how you should never use any of the products that made their investors rich enough to fund Hackernews' startups. A large thread appears in which people praise the Apple Watch for saving them from looking at their telephone. Several smartphone apps are recommended, most of which just tell you not to launch other smartphone apps. The second page of comments consists of text produced by running outdated philosophy texts through Markov chains.

FCC plan would give Internet providers power to choose the sites customers see
November 21, 2017 (comments)
The Federal Communications Commission continues its war against everyone but lobbyists. Hackernews, all of whom just got through whining about how hard it is not to stare at the internet, switch gears and soberly lecture each other about how important the internet is. Several Hackernews suggest calling elected representatives, even though that is only an effective tactic if you are interested in having furtive sex in a non-sex-oriented location.

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