webshit weekly

An annotated digest of the top "Hacker" "News" posts for the first week of May, 2017.

Getting Started with Headless Chrome
May 01, 2017 (comments)
Google enables webshits to remove the 'browsing' part of their web browser. Hackernews trades python programs about it. One Hackernews is inspired to run his browser several times with a filesystem and a network interface for each copy, but dismisses virtual machines as "too heavy." Everyone else just wants to take screenshots without the 'screen' part.

CRISPR eliminates HIV-1 infection in live animals
May 02, 2017 (comments)
Some biologists use a gene editing tool to edit genes. Hackernews trades youtube videos and NPR stories so they can more effectively pretend to understand anything. One Hackernews has a friend who totally fixed everything and just needs venture capital. The rest of the comments are people misquoting the NPR stories in an attempt to sound educated.

Root – Programmable bank account for software developers
May 03, 2017 (comments)
A foreign bank wants you to rub javascript on your money. Their example code involves transaction approval in a Slack message. Hackernews, the place where crypto code is too hard for mortals to write and the Rust Evangelism Strike Force has indoctrinated a deep-seated fear of pointers, thinks applying javascript directly to money is a fantastic idea. Most of the comments are people misinforming each other about banking law, international fiduciary policy, and needlessly in-depth descriptions of the retarded things Hackernews does to feel in control of their money.

Uber faces criminal probe over software used to evade authorities
May 04, 2017 (comments)
A jitney cab outfit is in dutch with the fuzz. Hackernews divides into two groups: people who are slightly upset at how brazenly Uber is willing to shit on the law, and people who are firmly convinced that no laws are valid if such laws prevent money from changing hands. Most of the people on the latter side are the same idiots who insist that Uber is "ride-sharing" and not just a shitty taxi company. Countless thousands of words are wasted arguing about whether Uber is demonstrating "civil disobedience" or "criminal conspiracy."

The Horror in the Standard Library
May 05, 2017 (comments)
Some internets realize their overbuilt C++ shitware is falling over. They are forced to delve into the guts of a terrible programming language to fix it. Hackernews trades battle stories about their shitty code, the bad choices of libraries they made when writing their shitty code, the ridiculous programming languages they selected to implement everything, and the trash hardware they bought to run it all. The rest of the thread is bikeshedding the blog post.

Why does Google prepend while(1); to their JSON responses?
May 06, 2017 (comments)
An internet links to a stackoverflow discussion about yet another javascript workaround. Hackernews is blown away by the complexity of modern webshit and adamant that it is impossible to live without writing javascript. Bizarrely, half the comments are about how important backwards compatibility is to the web, completely ignoring the fact that no browser more than a few years old is capable of rendering most of the arcane garbage involved in current webshit.

Wikimedia Foundation spending
May 07, 2017 (comments)
An internet whines about Wikipedia's checkbook. Hackernews swoops in to jerk off about Warren Buffet quotes, profound thoughts about leadership in technology, and pointless speculation about Wikipedia's management policies. Nobody performs a cost-benefit analysis of just eradicating Wikipedia altogether. Some of the more useless Hackernews gather at the bottom of the page to bikeshed the article's title.