FOSDEM 2017: more boring shit

Things are a little different this year, because FOSDEM has their shit together even less than usual. As of 29 December 2016, just about a month out from the conference, they still have not got any keynotes, main talks, or lightning talks scheduled. If we're very lucky, they never will.

Meanwhile, we'll make fun of the devrooms.

All of them.

BSD

My BSD sucks less than yours
Two guys think they're going to "focus on the weakness" of their respective projects without anyone trolling. NetBSD is not participating because there is nothing that NetBSD does not suck less than.

GELIBoot
Booting FreeBSD from encrypted disk

Disk encryption was difficult to implement on FreeBSD because the programmer did not know what he was doing.

Transport Evolution on top of the BSD's
A New, Evolutive API and Transport-Layer Architecture for the Internet

This has nothing to do with BSD.

CloudABI for FreeBSD: how does it work?
That guy from Nuxi shills his poor-man's-selinux project.

Backup and Disaster Recovery

Welcome Word Backup and Disaster Recovery devroom
Introduction and welcome word

No content, but at least it has the same title twice.

Essentials about Disaster Recovery with Relax-and-Recover
A generic introduction for beginners

A hobbyist backup project that "requires no maintenance." It creates bootable ISOs that put your computer back the way it was. No, I don't want that either. It only works with a few linux distros, none of which you want to use.

Disaster Recovery management with ReaR and DRLM
DRLM Workshop

A shitload of bash scripts to control apache, tftp, and dhcpd to do all the maintenance shit that the previous product claims not to need. The guy seems to think someone will pay him to work on this. God help anyone who does.

Bareos - Backup Archiving REcovery Open Sourced - Overview
The first actual viable backup project under discussion -- it's a fork of Bacula. Turns out all they've done since the fork is make a web interface.

Incremental Backups
Good things come in small packages!

A Red Hat employee thinks QEMU is the right program to handle incremental backups. Nobody is surprised.

First steps with Relax-and-Recover (ReaR)
Understand how ReaR works by running it yourself.

SuSE is back shilling the idiotic ISO maker again.

Relax-and-Recover Automated Testing
"requires no maintenance"

Future ideas for ReaR, DRLM, and Bareos
Talk with ReaR, DRLM, and Bareos users about what they like to get

All the people who gave the earlier talks gang up to ask an empty room what features it wants.

Community

Closing loops
Concluding discussions in non-face-to-face communities

A nerd does not know when internet conversations end because he lacks the typical real-world signals to which he is accustomed (primarly the other party rolling their eyes and walking away). Having described the task as "hard," he relieves us all by being just the man to teach us.

Config management

opsi: client management for heterogenous environments
An introduction to opsi.

Truly, half an hour is not long enough. This program is a shit festival of stupendous proportion. It's a python thing ... installed by downloading a VM ... from an OS repository ... which they tell you not to check the certificate of. The python thing uses mysql to store its data, but it does everything over http... except the user interface, which is java. It's like someone threw a grenade into a room full of bad decisions.

Puppet Catalog Diffs in TheForeman
Using octocatalog-diff to view catalog changes in the Foreman UI

'TheForeman' is a webshit systems administration interface, and this talk is about how to make it show the output of a real configuration management tool. The speaker is the "Stop Talking" expert from the lonely Community devroom, so with any luck the audience will get to witness his mastery at "stop talking now."

Replacing Dockerfiles with Ansible-container
The talk description contains a typo and refers to Docker as 'Dicker'. This is a much more valuable contribution than anything else the Ansible team has done.

External node classifier for easy configuration management.
Analysis on advantages of using an external node classifier system. Examples on how to ease Saltstack with reclass.

If that title is hard to read, it's only partly because it was written by a person whose first language is not English. The other reason it is hard to read is that it's a terrible idea attempting to solve a problem caused by incompetence.

Quit managing the infrastructure to manage your infratsructure
OpsTheater, an open source stack of best of breed infrastructure management tools

This is a pretty common theme in modern systems administration (primarily among the people who call themselves "devops" and mean it): take a handful of tools that almost everyone on earth uses, make incorrect assumptions about how other people are using them, and then put it all on Github and give it a name. Congratulations, all those things are now Your Product, you genius! Please note: none of the tools this person is presenting are a spellchecker.

Does your configuration code smell?
This speaker has never actually done anything except give a lot of talks and write a lot of books about everything Smelling -- code, design, projects, everything. I think he might just need to clean his laptop.

Desktops

Welcome to the Desktops DevRoom 2017
This better not actually take five entire minutes.

Assumptions when porting to a Modern Display Server
Common issues you'll run into when porting

This is a talk about porting things to Mir, the Canonical-sponsored Wayland clone which absolutely nobody on Earth likes or cares about. The speaker attempts to remain relevant by being pretty sure some of this might apply to Wayland, maybe?

Bundling KDE
Where does KDE land in the Snap and Flatpak world?

This guy's primary hobby is 'trying to get KDE people to care about snap and flatpak.' Since snap and flatpak solve problems nobody has, and solve them in ways nobody likes, I imagine his hobby is a challenging one.

Haiku, a desktop you can still learn from
No, you didn't steal all our ideas yet ;-)

Haiku, an OS that is entirely a reimplementation of another OS sends a representative to talk shit about "stealing ideas." The asshole they sent thinks that being multithreaded will help a program run well on older machines, despite older machines being more likely to have one core.

Corporate WebDesk
Building the next corporate applications

Some dink ported his webshit from ASP.NET to javascript and ASP.NET.

Free And Open Source Software In European public administrations
Main implementations, main policies

This is a handy talk to attend if you want to know which European administrations are running out of money.

From Gtk to Qt: An Strange Journey, part 2
The continuation of the original talk from Dirk Hohndel and Linus Torvalds about the port of Subsurface from Gtk to Qt, now with mobile in mind.

Namedropping aside, this talk is actually about some guy using QML.

Web VR
Create VR content with A-frame and Firefox

Shitloads of javascript, demands to use Fedora, and buried in the middle of the text, an admission that this has nothing to do with VR and you should go buy a real VR toolkit if you want to do that.

Open source behind a web request
explaining a web request through open source software

This has nothing to do with Desktop.

Kube
The next generation communication and collaboration client

SPOILER ALERT: This program does not exist.
Kolab (the company that sells the imap shitware) is making noise about producing a Qt client for their product, and they have dispatched a drone to fluff it.

Distributions

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Tumbleweed
Why everyone should be running a rolling release

A clueless retard, who happens to work for SuSE, shills SuSE's new product. Tumbleweed is an attempt to offend the gods by crossbreeding an overengineered bureaucratic fuckpile like SuSE with an undisciplined usually-broken teenage jerkoff festival like Arch. The retard in question has no idea what drawbacks could possibly be had by changing major versions of basic system components. That's why he works in QA.

Homebrew: getting to 1.0.0
Learn about what went into, how we did it and why we released Homebrew 1.0.0.

Homebrew is like pkgsrc but not implemented as well and full of macshit. Literally nobody cares what version of your package manager you're using. The speaker can't even be bothered to describe the talk, because he knows this.

Writing Open Source Documentation for Open Source Projects
How SUSE is documented and what we can learn from it

Unsurprisingly, SuSE has shit out tons of repeated-work packages to format documentation. They send an employee to talk about it, in case anyone wants to hear how great it is.

Continuous Integration with the Open Build Service
OBS, the one genuinely nice thing SuSE provides to the world, can apparently get you 'a new Linux appliance with every commit', which is both hazily defined and doesn't seem like all that good an idea. The speaker mentions this functionality powers Tizen, which explains why Tizen is completely absent from the Western world.

Modularity & Generational Core
The future of Fedora?

Fedora is ever-so-slowly figuring out why the BSDs have the concept of 'base system' and 'ports' as separate entities that do not meaningfully interact. Two Red Hat employees are trying to nail down sufficiently devopsy terms to replace shitty utilitarian drab terms like 'base system' and 'package group'.

Transactional Updates with btrfs
A genius wants to reimplement Solaris boot environments with btrfs. Yes, this is already trivially easy with zfs. No, btrfs has not fixed their data-loss bugs. Yes, this guy is serious.

Building a distro with musl libc
Why and how Alpine Linux did it

The only competent person in the building, in an act of pure kindness, will display a fully-functioning thought process to the audience. None of them will understand any aspect of it and the best-case scenario is mild confusion.

Deploying NPM packages with the Nix package manager
To cleanse the audience palate after the preceeding scary-ass display of intellect, the devroom organizers present the rantings of a mentally disabled lunatic on the topic of functional packaging of webshit atrocities. Relieved beyond words, the audience will take careful notes and rush home to throw themselves into implementation of this garbage -- an effort to drive out the painful memories of Natanael Copa making rational decisions and producing working software.

Distributions from the view of a package
A lifetime inmate of the MySQL ecosystem/prison gets super pissy about packagers, because his project's bullshit is apparently their problem.

Source code
Are we not forgetting something?

Some asshole wants you to GPL your makefiles.

Electronic Design Automation (EDA)

nucap -- recent work and directions
They added a plugin interface. No, I don't know why that's worth an entire talk.

Integrated Spice Simulation with Kicad
Hahaha, not integrated gnucap simulation with Kicad.

SpinalHDL
An alternative hardware description langage presentation

Attempt #10,467 to replace Verilog and VHDL with some hipper shit; this time it's Scala, functional programming, and OOP. Don't settle in; it will be gone before you can finish asking why the fuck anyone would use this.

Tutorial: my first hardware design
Basic course to create a simple FPGA design using OSS tools

A carefully-titled talk, because it is not possible to create anything *but* simple FPGA designs with OSS tools. The first step in creating complex FPGA designs is always "buy the toolkit from the FPGA manufacturer."

Digital hardware design: what can we learn from software development – and what not?
Not. Everything definitely goes into the "not" category here.

FLOSS Tools for High Level Synthesis
Integrating the FPGA into the Operating System

The talk description is empty, which at least accurately reflects the availability of FLOSS tools for FPGA work.

Discussion session on HDL simulation and synthesis tools
Scheduled for twenty-five minutes, with four participants, which should leave about twenty minutes of uncomfortable silence.

Xorn: A new approach to code organization for gEDA/gaf
How the attempt to Do Scripting Right changes the view of the world

The guy who wrote it attempts to justify its existence. This should be easy, since it doesn't actually do anything.

KiCad Project Status
This definitely needs to be a presentation instead of a page on their website. I'm glad to see FOSDEM enabling important work like this. The world would be a darker, more efficient place without it.

Diving into the KiCad source code
A brave man will attempt to impart meaningful programming guidance in a 25-minute window. Subtracting the traditional fifteen minutes to get his laptop to recognize the projector and the ancient five-minute "is my mic working yet" ceremony, and he'll have just enough time to pagedown past the license header before he has to stop.

Footwork
PCB designs as code and EDA as code synthesis

Someone reverted all the way back to the circuit design methods of the mid-1980s, except this time with lisp. Upon this base, they are reimplementing AutoCAD.

Kitnic.it and 1-click BOM
Making web-enabled EDA tools using Javascript

The 'EDA tool' under discussion here is a web shopping cart.

Discussion session on PCB development tools
Nothing has changed; no changes are forthcoming. But did you guys see the new web shopping cart?

Embedded, mobile and automotive

(Ab)using Google's Chromium-EC firmware for your own designs
Building Franken-Chromebook-devices

Chromebooks are crippled laptops designed to corral people into Google's surveillance platform. A man offers to teach you how to adapt some of their controller software to produce your own crippled devices.

Creating the open connected car with GENIVI
Remember that news story where some guys demonstrated the ability to remotely fuck over a Jeep? Red Hat is here to teach you how to design security vulnerabilities for your car company!

Making Your Own Open Source Raspberry Pi HAT
A Story About Open Source Harware and Open Source Software

Raspberry Pi is a series of shitty computers designed to save parents money in the process of pretending their children are geniuses. An important feature of the Raspberry Pi is that it has hardware built in that allows you to blink LEDs. This guy sells the LEDs.

Groking the Linux SPI Subsystem
SPI is a light-blinking interconnect for Linux.

Isar: Build Debian-Based Products with BitBake
Autohell clone #4,566 for the entire operating system.

Software updates with OSTree
Why and how

"Because GNOME can't just use working shit that already exists" and "poorly", respectively.

How I survived to a SoC with a terrible vendor BSP
Working with jurassic kernels, missing pieces and buggy code

Turns out hardware vendors don't give a shit about Linux programmers. The speaker presents a series of tactics for working with people who don't care about you and are not interested in your bullshit.

Kernel DLC Metrics, Statistic Analysis and Bug-Patterns
The guy who tried to fix random-number generation is back to tell us that testing things is worthless and you should just use statistics to predict your failures.

Loco Positioning: An OpenSource Local Positioning System for robotics
Presentation with a demo of autonomous Crazylfie 2.0 quadcopter

GPS is not good enough for this guy's autonomous indoor flying drone. I eagerly await the video of the talk so I can see if he's figured out how to make his drone localize and avoid a baseball bat.

Device Tailored Compositors with the QtWayland Compositor Framework
The speaker teaches us how to make a Wayland compositor "from scratch":

  1. have Qt do it

His Turing Award is in the mail.

Testing with volcanoes - Fuego+LAVA
Embedded testing going distributed

Jenkins plugins for testing your security vulnerability platforms.

From zero to first test in your own LAVA laboratory
A Tizen developer wants you to watch him install some software. It's going to take half an hour. The last step in all Tizen-related test suites is "ensure this hardware is never sold in any country where anyone might speak English or have any money."

Adding IEEE 802.15.4 and 6LoWPAN to an Embedded Linux Device
The most important part of designing an embedded security vulnerability platform is the ability of your hardware to connect to the internet. Without an internet connection, Brazilian funboys can't root your skateboard/refrigerator/other stupid thing you're selling. The speaker presents technology allowing Linux-based devices to share software attacks among a localized mesh network.

OpenPowerlink over Xenomai
Someone wants to replace CANBUS and QNX with this shit and linux.

Free Java

Welcome!
Exception in thread "main" java.lang.NullPointerException at devroom.Welcome.main(Welcome.java:1)

The State of OpenJDK
Still everyone's favorite half-assed dodge to avoid paying Oracle any money!

Open J9 - The Next Free Java VM
IBM has written so much shit in Java that they can't go back. They also won't be paying any money to Oracle, so they need something that works better than OpenJDK. They plan to open-source all of their JVM, which means you will be able to download it as an Eclipse extension sometime in 2035.

Diagnosing Issues in Java Apps using Thermostat and Byteman.
You can use Java to hot-patch Java into your Java so that the Java can monitor the Java!

Optimizing Errors Away
I wouldn't take this literally. This guy's employment contract hasn't been optimized away yet.

Shenandoah: Why Do We Need Yet Another Garbage Collector
25 minutes to describe every available OpenJDK garbage collector and also introduce a new one, to a room full of Java programmers who are willfully ignorant of memory management to start with. This is another error that should have been optimized away.

Three ideas for the G1 GC (and how to get involved)
What a shame this talk comes right after the Shenanodah garbage collector talk! After that tour-de-force, why would anyone want to work on a competing project?
Oh, right. Because this one is coming from Oracle and is therefore going to actually be used.

Eclipse 4.7 Platform - The new greatness
The speaker claims they'll "improve Java tool performance by a factor by 1000"[sic], which raises the question of what the hell is wrong with the idiots who wrote the old Java tool.

Ruby's Strings and What Java Can Learn From Them
I'm sorry. I was going to say something funny here but the talk title is making me physically nauseous. Let's just move along.

Experiences in a production environment (Graal)
The production environment is Twitter.

Challenges updating your code to work with Java 9 Jigsaw
The talk description is just a condensed CV for the speaker. He seems to divide his time between molesting Lucene and posting his CV to conference websites.

Helping Linux and Java Play Well Together
No talk description, but the speaker is a Red Hat employee, so I'll just assume this talk is about systemtap.

JDK 9 Outreach - The Awesome Parts
If I understand the badly-formatted talk description correctly, Oracle is excited that they can get people to give them feedback. Presumably "The Awesome Parts" is a kinder title than "Look At All These Emails We Ignored."

OpenJDK Governing Board Q&A
Q. WHY
A. lol I dunno

GNU Guile

Small languages panel
Small panel mockery

An introduction to functional package management with GNU Guix
The only relationship this talk has to GNU Guile is that Guix is written in it. It's like presenting a how-to-install-Windows-XP talk in the C++ devroom, only nobody uses Guix or Guile.

User interfaces with Guile and their application
The speaker is careful to point out in the talk description that Guile is turing complete. In order to convince people that Guile is suitable for UI programming, the speaker holds a goddamn ncurses program up as an example.

Hacking with Guile…
Or how I stopped worrying and learned to love the REPL

Oh thank christ someone wrote a colorized REPL for Guile. This will fix all the adoption problems!

Composing system services in GuixSD
or how we came to wonder what a "system service" really is

In a rare flash of clarity, some GNU programmers stop what they're doing and realize they have no idea what the fuck anything is. Sadly, instead of learning anything, they built a shitshow to "help users and sysadmins reason about the whole system," because clearly only GNU programmers are capable of reason unassisted.

Reproducible packaging and distribution of software with GNU Guix
Distributing software with Guix

In typical GNU fashion, the speaker assumed 'subtitle' meant 'subset of the title,' and so we have the above nonsense.

Network freedom, live at the REPL!
GNU still thinks they can reimplement Twitter. Maybe they can, but nobody will ever know, because nobody will ever care.

Natural script writing with Guile
The newest step on my path towards the perfect script writing syntax

In this context, 'script writing' is text-based role playing game scripts. Please allow a couple minutes for the last couple of people to file out of the room before you begin this ridiculous display.

Ao
Homoiconic solid modeling in Guile

Turns out it's a lot of hard work to make scheme fast! Who knew! Oh, right: everybody knew that. The speaker doesn't have a solution, but instead wrote software that throws shit out and rewrites your code with the absolute minimum amount of information retained.

Mes -- Maxwell's Equations of Software
An attempt at dissolving [GuixSD's] bootstrap binaries

Lisp guys are still mad that computer hardware doesn't speak lisp.

Adding GNU/Hurd support to GNU Guix and GuixSD
Porting Guix and GuixSD to GNU/Hurd

At long last, someone is tackling the important work: porting software nobody uses, written in a language nobody uses, to an operating system nobody uses, to enable a package manager nobody uses.

Getting started with guile-wiredtiger
A key-value store for your scheme programs, because it's 1987.

Geospatial

Into Geospatial
As opposed to hydrospatial.

German weather data with R
Some guy wrote a wget equivalent to download shit from the government. He named most of the functions after himself.

Intro to semantic annotations for geographic web maps in HTML
Pulling Schema.org, Dublin Core, Microdata, JSON-LD, HTML and SVG all together.

Jesus, I *really* hoped we were past this 'semantic html' bullshit, but here we are again.

Khartis - How to simply create thematic maps in three steps
An absolute shitload of javascript, that's how.

City Focus: A web-based interactive 2D and 3D GIS application to find the best place in a city, using open data and open source software
By "best place," they mean "best place to live," but the example site defaults to Milan, which is not within a thousand miles of the best place to live.

Google Summer of Code 2016 @OSGeo
They had over twenty kids cranking out software all summer! Come and see the wondrous benefits of hordes of undereducated programmers!

How to break the OpenStreetMap
Pros and pitfalls of editing OSM data offline

An OSM guy is slightly pissy about the filthy casuals who invaded his nerd kingdom.

Easily creating location-based applications with OSMAlchemy
Learn how to create (web) applications using real-world map data with as little resources as possible

Guys, it's soooo easy! All you need is python, flask, sqlite, sqlalchemy, osmalchemy, angular.js, a live network connecti-- wait where are you going

'Open Notices' - alpha
A global platform for official notices (planning, licensing etc)

SPOILER ALERT: This software doesn't exist.
Some dude wants to crowdsource awareness of legal public notices. I think he's serious.

airspace-v.com
international hangar flying

Stupid programmer, you can't fly a hangar.

Creating georeferenced digital elevation models from unmanned aerial vehicle images
Hiring a surveyor is a waste of time, when you can just hope some dude flies a drone over the land in question! As long as you know what camera lens he's using!

Working with spatial data in Go
A fly-by-night shitware developer talks about reimplementing Uber in third-world countries.

Big Spatio-Temporal Datacubes on Steroids ...and Standards
A career bureaucrat attempts to justify the overengineered garbage he helped ram through a standards committee or two. With luck he'll divulge the real motivation to his audience: it has generated an unending stream of grant funding for his university.

What to expect from MySQL 8.0?
The same failure to execute we got from every other MySQL version! The speaker talks about GIS-specific functionality being planned, without bothering to explain why you'd use MySQL for GIS to start with.

Introduction to Boost.Geometry
Incredibly, Boost is still a thing that people actually consider using. Unsurprisingly, Oracle is funding its development.

Geography on Boost.Geometry
The Earth is not flat (but it's not round either)

I'd say an Oracle-employed MySQL coder giving a Boost talk already has three strikes against him.

Graph

Intro to Graph databases
A thirty-minute overview of the entire history of graph theory and its applications in computing is surely worthwhile -- especially since this talk is likely a Neo4J sales pitch.

Using graph databases in popular open source CMSs
Neo4J and Drupal, potential application areas and module introduction

Shoving a graph database into Drupal is definitely worth your time! Just ask this guy, who makes money off selling Drupal!

Incremental Graph Queries with openCypher
Someone has noticed that running queries on huge-ass databases can be slow. Instead of reconsidering their approach to data analysis, they applied several caching bandaids and are very proud of the resulting corpse.

Twitter Streaming Graph with Gephi
Visualising stream of Data

The ability to visualize and interact with very large datasets is an important and fast-moving sector in information technology. These people have put together a system that enables a lot of interesting funtionality, and then glued it to the worst, least-interesting possible application: Twitter spam.

Bringing the Semantic Web closer to reality
PostgreSQL as RDF Graph Database

Oh jesus, not these assholes again

(Cypher)-[:ON]->(ApacheFlink)<-[:USING]-(Gradoop)
It should be obvious by now, but anyone who looks at that syntax and is not immediately repulsed is a monster and should not be trusted with any important task.

From Shopping Baskets to Structural Patterns
Ah yes, let's use graph databases to implement the "customers also bought:" upsell advertisements in shopping carts. We'll sleep better tonight knowing we've enhanced the human experience.

Designing a graph library for JavaScript
Nobody 'designs' anything for javascript. They shit out something that barely works and then rewrite it every three months until the money runs out. Why lie about it?

Graph Processing on SAP HANA Express Edition
SAP sends an employee to shill its products. No edition of SAP HANA is open-source. Some parts of SAP's UI toolkit are. It's not clear what the hell this talk is doing here.

Graph Analytics on Massively Parallel Processing Databases
MPP here is code for "we use SQL and we are resistant to actual parallel processing." This talk is basically advertising for Apache MADlib, which is a bundle of third-party packages shoved into a database interface.

Graphs at scale
Scale out Neo4j using Apache Mesos and DC/OS

More Neo4J spam, this time about how to work around its crippling performance problems. SPOILER ALERT: throw shitloads of hardware at it.

Network Traffic Analysis of Hadoop Clusters
Understand the common usage patterns and identify typical / atypical workloads.

These people are working on figuring out when someone is using your Hadoop cluster to do bad things. Or something. They mumble about cybersecurity and network analysis but never make any actual points.

HPC, Big Data, and Data Science

Portability of containers across diverse HPC resources with Singularity
Some dudes are desperate to make containers relevant to HPC. They brag that you won't need to have any applications installed on your cluster (making the incorrect assumption that all users are going to play with this container toy) and that users' programs will run on diverse supercomputers across the TOP500 (making the incorrect assumption that users commonly have accounts on a wide subset of TOP500 supercomputers).

The birth of HPC Cuba
How supercomputing is being made available to all Cuban researchers using FOSS

Like everything else in Cuba, other countries paid for everything.

Optimized and reproducible HPC Software deployment
with free software and GNU Guix

Two GNU programmers with no visible HPC experience set out to solve problems that don't exist in ways nobody wants.

Enabling Reproducible Scientific Software Installation on Cray Supercomputers with EasyBuild
Someone ported a Python app installer to Cray PE because they got sick of waiting for Cray support to get around to it.

Putting Your Jobs Under the Microscope using OGRT
Someone wrote some software to figure out which programs are being used on a computer. Hope you like Elasticsearch.

Dask - extending Python data tools for parallel and distributed computing
Someone wrote a scheduler and implemented it as a python library. This way, you don't have to learn to write real code, and your code won't run right on clusters with real schedulers.

Purely Functional GPU Programming with Futhark
Someone noticed that programming for GPU accelerators is a pain in the ass. They responded by inventing a whole new language with its own compiler, for masochists, I guess.

The Marriage of Cloud, HPC and Containers
Another guy trying to solve a lack of systems administration skills with containers and/or openstack.

Quickstart Big Data
An Apache programmer thinks anyone in HPC wants to use Bigtop or Spark. He is mistaken, but is willing to set that aside to mislead the audience about the usefulness of trying to use third-party tools to make your software scalable.

Extending Spark Machine Learning Pipelines
Going beyond wordcount with Spark ML

The only one of these talks to acknowledge that Spark is trapped in the JVM. Pleads with users of other languages to take it seriously anyway.

Using BigBench to compare Hive and Spark versions and features
Someone wrote some software to determine which half-assed 'big data' framework is faster. Unfortunately the software does not seem to automatically insult the user for nerding out about benchmarking bad code instead of writing better code.

Making Wiki Gardening Tasks Easier Using Big Data and NLP
This talk will be about a NLP-based tool I have built for Fedora wiki to make wiki-gardening tasks easier for contributors

Someone decided to use natural-language processing for the most important task humanity has ever underaken: policing the Fedora wiki. Why does Fedora have a wiki? Nobody knows. Search stackoverflow and see if someone explains it there.

A field guide to the machine learning zoo
The speaker informs us that "little previous knowledge" is required, but declines to specify whether he's talking about himself or the audience. My prediction: both.

Intelligently Collecting Data at the Edge — Intro to Apache NiFi and MiNiFi
Have you ever wanted to use a web browser to draw pictures of where your data should be stored? Have we got the product for you! Stop laughing, this is serious, people use this for serious things, STOP LAUGHING

Making two elephants dance: how Postgres MPP Data Warehousing entered the Hadoop ecosystem
Not answered: WHY

BigPetStore on Spark and Flink
Implementing use cases on unified Big Data engines

More benchmarking noise for terrible software.

Democratizing Deep Learning with Tensorflow on Hops Hadoop
Some CS professor made a faster version of Hadoop to attract grant funding. It's still not as fast as getting your data structures right.

Kafka Streams and Protobuf
stream processing at trivago

This one's got a PDF attached! Let's take a look!
...
Oh, for fuck's sake. They're monitoring hotel prices to write travelblog spam. GET A JOB, ASSHOLE

Not less, Not more. Exactly Once Large-Scale Stream Processing in Action.
Someone wrote checkpointing software that only works with one specific Apache product. NEXT

Why you should care about SQL for big data and how Apache Calcite can help
You should absolutely not care about SQL for big data and nothing anyone does to 'help' is going to make it any better. "SQL" is the prototypical "I don't understand data structures" technology and "big data" is code for the current overpaid charlatans of the "I refuse to learn data structures" ilk.

Legal and Policy Issues

Welcome to the Legal and Policy Issues Devroom
Since all of the actual developers are engaged in other devrooms, it makes perfect sense to concentrate all the legal shit in once place while they're busy.

Free/open source software and drones
Safety, security and privacy issues

A bureaucrat pontificates about bureaucracy.

Make your Corporate CLA easy to use, please!
A Bloomberg employee seems to think that binding legal agreements should prioritize ease of use. This problem is real, but whining about it in Europe is probably not going to fix it.

Mixed License FOSS Projects
Unintended Consequences, Worked Examples, Best Practices

Turns out there are consequences to playing fuck-fuck games with your project's licensing when you try to monetize it. Who knew? (Everyone knew)

Making License Compliance Easy: Step by Open Source Step.
SPDX is a license classification scheme which has had the living shit trademarked out of it by the Linux Foundation. The speaker would like basically everyone to use it, generating a lot more work for themselves with no measurable gain.

Corporate Shenanigans
You should start a trade association to maintain a vicelike grip on your source code. Eclipse did it, and everyone loves Eclipse, right? Right? [SFX: lone IBM employee cheering]

What legal and policy issues concerning FOSS need to be systematically researched?
A team of academics crowdsources the topics for their next round of grant applications.

Principled free software license enforcement: an open source company perspective
A Red Hat bureaucrat rambles about GPL enforcement, which has never actually happened.

Copyleft in Commerce.
How GPLv3 keeps Samba relevant in the marketplace

This would be an interesting talk, because GPLv3 is a god-awful license written by facists. However, the core assumption that Samba is relevant in any marketplace is fatally flawed.

Bits, Gates, Traces, and Pins: Copyleft and Licensing in Open Hardware
Some Intel employees waste everyone's time talking about Open Hardware, which does not exist.

A discussion of Fedora's Legal state
This is why I drink.

The Fedora Legal Chair, who is not a lawyer, takes time out of his work (as the leader of Red Hat's Education Outreach team, whatever the fuck that is) to describe his hobby in great detail.

Radio Lockdown Directive
Major threat for Free Software on radio devices

Some Europeans are concerned that they will have to abide by radio transmission regulations. They are attempting to derail the legislation by pretending it affects anyone but them. An FSF bureaucrat takes the lead.

Understanding The Complexity of Copyleft Defense
After 25 Years of GPL Enforcement, Is Copyleft Succeeding?

"GPL enforcement" is a technical term that means "writing angry letters to people who use your source code." Someone from the FSF shows up to whine about how people aren't paying sufficient respect to the Founding Fathers of Shitty Software: the FSF.

Back to sources: what's in your binary?
Tracing back from a binary to its corresponding source code

This guy started a business doing this; presumably if anyone actually cared they'd have hired him by now.

Patently Prepared
Are FOSS Companies Ready to Deal with Patents in the US and Europe?

Yes. What's the other 24 minutes going to be about? Nobody knows.

Protect your freedom to operate with Open Patents
Hacking the patent system.

Some idiots decided to open their own patent office. Nobody cared.

Is the GPL a copyright license or a contract under U.S. law?
The answer is "nobody cares", because it's never come up in court, and it never will. That's not going to stop bureaucrats fantasizing about what might happen, or playing wargames in their heads about how they'd handle the case, but it doesn't mean anyone will ever have to give a shit.

F and in Freedom
Codes of Conduct & Community Guidelines

An idiot thinks it's possible to determine the efficacy of a Code of Conduct by grepping for swear words.

Why we need a legal framework to operate successfull a Trusted Service Provider
An overview of some internals of our Trusted Service Provider

Some dipshit registered a nonprofit and wants someone to write him software to run a certificate authority. Does FOSDEM not screen speakers at all? This is the conference equivalent of a dude posting 'someone write me a better Facebook' on rentacoder.

Reflections on Adjusting Trust: The Mozilla Root Program
Tales of running an open and transparent Certificate Authority Program and Certificate Transparency Program

At long last, a Mozilla employee shows up to explain why they refused to ship a root cert from Honest Achmed's Used Cars and Certificates.

Increasingly permissive or increasingly dismissive?
An FSF shithead shows up to screech about the dangers of having different opinions on software licensing. The incontrovertible and widely-reported fact that actually-free licenses are being chosen at a higher rate than GPL facism is completely wrong and bad and we'll all be sorry and it's not really happening anyway so everything is fine. The subtext is that anyone who doesn't like or use the GPL is an ignorant asshole destined for an ignominious fate. It is not clear whether such a fate is preferable to being associated with the FSF in any way.

Panel of European legal entities for Free Software projects
The leaders of several bureaucracies are here to tell you why you need bureaucrats.

FOSS and the GDPR
Overview of key changes to EU privacy law that FOSS can use to promote individual's privacy and autonomy

Nothing in this talk matters until well into 2018.

How We Talk About Free Software Legal Tools
However the fuck we want, Deb.

Don't Send An Engineer To Do A Lawyer's Job
A beginners guide to community legal engagement

A post-mortem on the dangers of doing any business whatsoever with a multinational corporation. This guy suggests getting a lawyer; it's probably better just to delete every email from anyone working on any Apache project.

Linux Containers and Microservices

Kubernetes 101
Orchestration doesn't have to be difficult

...but it absolutely will be if you use Kubernetes, which can't do ipv6 right, still hasn't nailed down nebulous concepts like 'storage', and is so otherwise full of warts that I think it might actually be the software version of herpes.

Taking containers from development to production
Also could be titled "deliberately sticking your hand into the oven."

gRPC 101 - building fast and efficient microservices
Google's in-house REST replacement for HTTP2. Useless to adults.

Kubernetes Operators
Managing Complex Software with Software

Kubernetes is so great at orchestration they require third-party software to actually orchestrate anything. This talk is about etcd, but they call it "an Operator" to avoid recognizing that literally nothing else even almost works.

Namespaced file capabilities
A Canonical employee describes trying to shove UID hacks into the linux kernel.

The Easiest Way to Start Developing with Openshift
"Get hired by Red Hat." Without that step, you'd first have to answer the question "why the fuck would you want to develop with Openshift?"

Layer based container images vs dependency graphs
SPOILER ALERT: everyone loses.

Cloud Native Java Development
Patterns and Principles for Designing Java Applications to run on Kubernetes

"Cloud native" means "runs in Kubernetes." This talk describes how to design a Java program to run in Kubernetes, despite Kubernetes' promises that shit can Just Work with it, and also despite Java's "write once run anywhere" promises.

Singularity: The Inner Workings of Securely Running User Containers on HPC systems
User-level containerization to make high-performance applications even harder to debug. Thanks, kid!

cgroupv2: Linux's new unified control group hierarchy
The linux people are rewriting cgroups, presumably because nobody is allowed to touch them except systemd.

Troubleshooting Kubernetes
You can save a lot of time by just Shooting Kubernetes, but the speaker would like to teach you how to manually capture a core dump from a running container and figure out which DNS problem is breaking your software.

Running virtual machines in containers
Pointless containerization of virtualization, or pointless containerization of virtualization administration? The possibilities are endless, just like the stupidity of either of those plans!

Lua

LuaWt: Lua bindings for a C++ Web Toolkit library
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Quick functional UI prototypes with Lua templates and mermaid.js
Oh, they're serious about this Lua/webshit mashup. Gross.

Next Generation of the LuaRocks test suite
Amazing both that there was a previous generation of the LuaRocks test suite and that they could trick some poor sod into wasting time improving it. They never did get it working correctly on Windows, but like all open-source projects, they just marked the problems "known issues" and ignored them forever.

Making wearables with NodeMCU
You know those people who beg for attention on Reddit and Youtube by programming an arduino to flash some lights, glue the whole thing to a pair of shoes or something, and then declare themselves Makers?
Yup. That.

A different Lua JIT using Eclipse OMR
Using the Eclipse OMR JitBuilder to improve Lua performance with minimal changes to the interpreter

If your scripting language is slow, shove some JIT into it! Enjoy this display, since nobody will ever look at any of this code again.

LuaJIT for AArch64 and MIPS64 platforms
Improvements and the status

Fun fact: not all Lua programs will work on these ports. Success!

Microkernels and Component-based OS

Welcoming and Introduction
BEHOLD: OUR IRRELEVANCY VORTEX

A kernel in a library
Genode's custom kernel approach

Write a whole bunch of software, then use it to implement OS primitives. Not sure why this talk exists, or who will attend, but then again that sentiment is the theme of this entire track!

HelenOS in the year of the fire monkey
Paper-writing factory for European grad students.

Deterministic replay support for Genode components: Performance penalty and challenges
Someone describes stack-and-register fuckery which is of use to nobody and does not work on currently-available computers.

Redox OS
A safety-first microkernel developed in Rust

The programming language that Jesus Christ personally delivered unto Man is being used to write an operating system with all the sharp edges filed off so stupid users can't hurt themselves. Also impossible with this kernel: everything else.

Introducing kernel-agnostic Genode executables
Hooray, now we can just use the linux kernel and run everything there! Seems like the next logical step is just installing linux and using that instead -- that's what the Genode developers do, after all.

TCP/IP for MINIX, the good, the bad, the ugly
The guy who wrote the TCP/IP stack for MINIX finally admits it's shit.

The VFS paradigm from the perspective of a component OS
The Genode developers edge closer to Plan-9-style namespaces, but stop well short of implementing anything useful.

Virtualization on the Hurd
Porting virtualization tools to a virtual operating system seems crazy. Hurd has virtually existed for many years now and it virtually works fine.

Mozilla

What motivates the open source community?
- a qualitative exploration of the underlying experiences and motivations of open source community members

The attached report is, hilariously, hosted on Google Drive. It is also utterly useless in every way, because it was poorly designed to ask the wrong questions of the wrong people. At least the presentation is short.

Rebooting Firefox Nightly
A community building project around the Firefox Nightly Channel

Mozilla has successfully crowdsourced localization work, and would now like people to handle development builds for free as well.

Firefox DevTools Deep Dive
The talk description starts out "No, Firefox DevTools are not Firebug" without stopping to apologize for that fact or explain why we got such a shitty alternative built in instead.

Firefox and WebExtensions
Mozilla is also outsourcing the extension API. To their biggest competitor.

Firefox: The Puppet Show
Automating Firefox with WebDriver using Selenium and GeckoDriver

Sales pitch for Selenium with apologetics from the guy who wrote the plugin to make it work with Firefox.

WebRender, the next generation graphics engine by Mozilla research
A technical talk about the web rendering architectures of today and tomorrow.

WebRender is 3d javascript webshit, which only runs on Servo, which doesn't actually work but is written in Rust, which is slow as shit and not getting any faster. So by 'next generation' they mean 'see you in 2025.'

How Rust is being developed
The Rust development dashboard

Poorly, slowly, and loudly. The dashboard in question is not written in Rust.

Corrode: Tool-aided translation from C to Rust
Homeboy shows up to explain why he wrote a Rust development tool in Haskell. SPOILER ALERT: it's because Rust fucking sucks.

Embedding/Maintaining SpiderMonkey in a large scale project
Nobody uses any of this shit.

Introduction to A-Frame
Build Virtual Reality on the Web

Covered earlier, nothing added: shitty not-VR implemented in a browser.

(Mobile) Web Compatibility
Why is important to care about users from different platform. How can you unblock them?

Of course it's not actually important to care about users, regardless of platform -- nonetheless, these losers have created an entire infrastructure around their desire to bitch that some website didn't work on their browser. They've truly leveraged a tremendous amount of ingenuity to apply industrial processes and tooling to the art of being ignored by webmasters.

So that was HTTP/2, what's next?
Nobody really gives a shit, until the day inevitably comes that Google decides to shove QUIC down everyone's throat.

Web Logins after Persona
How I solved logins on my small websites

Some nobody shat out some PHP to implement a buggy and insecure OAuth2 setup after Mozilla left him out to dry.

Discourse development for (complete) beginners
From a recent beginner to everyone else

Ruby webforum shit. Disregard.

Diversity User Research: Becoming a Better Listener and Women in Open Source Technologies
Developing a deeper understanding of minorities in tech.

Mozilla finds it crucial to support women in technology, as long as they're not queers.

Don't break the Internet!, Mozilla Copyright Campaign in Europe
Mozilla's corporate political lobbying efforts.

MySQL and Friends

Optimizing MySQL without SQL or touching my.cnf
Dropbox goes into great detail describing all the ridiculous lengths they go to -- including rebuilding MySQL with specific compilers -- all in an attempt to avoid learning to program computers properly.

Applying profilers to MySQL
From PMP to perf, and why performance_schema is not a replacement in all cases

Be like Dropbox! Profile MySQL so you can find out exactly which part of your shitty software should have been written by someone better than you.

Instrumenting plugins for Performance Schema
...see above...

sysbench 1.0: teaching an old dog new tricks
...and again.

Introducing gh-ost: GitHub's triggerless, painless schema migrations for MySQL
Github, a company famous for capricious and unexplained downtime, would like you to run the software they wrote to molest your database on a fundamental level.

Autopsy of an automation disaster
This talk contains the term 'split-brain,' which 100% of the time is an indicator that the person speaking has no fucking clue how anything works. Surprise: the speaker has no fucking clue how anything works.

Honeypot your database
And easy method to detect if you've been hacked

Setting up notifications to go off if someone accesses a 'honey pot table' has to be the dumbest shit I've ever heard from the database world. What kind of bush-league amateur would ... oh, it's a MySQL employee. Imagine that.

The Proxy Wars - MySQL Router, ProxySQL, MariaDB MaxScale
The author helped found the MariaDB fork. I wonder which of the above he prefers?

Painless MySQL HA, Scalability and Flexibility with Ansible, MHA and ProxySQL
Bash, Docker, Ansible, ProxySQL, MHA, and MySQL! Painless! Next talk: carving a pocket watch out of granite with your dick! Painless!

Inexpensive Datamasking for MySQL with ProxySQL
data anonymization for developers

This is literally a regex substitution on your sql statements.

Speeding Up Analytical Queries in MariaDB
Sweet, more performance advice from people stupid enough to use SQL in performance-critical roles. I'll never get sick of this!

Data Analytics with MySQL, Apache Spark and Apache Drill
Hilariously, the methodology seems to be "take the data out of MySQL immediately, use literally anything else during computation, and then put your results back into MySQL."

Group Replication: A Journey to the Group Communication Core
Absolutely nobody uses this shit, because it doesn't work reliably. I can't tell if this is a series of excuses or an apology.

Fine tuning Group Replication for performance
This is on the same topic, except it was written in a parallel dimension where the software works and is something to be proud of.

Mix ‘n’ Match Async and Group Replication for Advanced Replication Setups
A master class on workarounds to your shitty RDBMS implementation, presented by a representative of the company that would like to charge you money for shitty RDBMS implementations.

MyRocks: the RocksDB storage engine for MySQL
RocksDB is a database engine for people who write a lot of data and then never read it (i.e. idiots). It is trivially smaller than InnoDB, slightly faster than InnoDB, and nowhere near as mature as InnoDB. Switch today!

MyRocks in production at Facebook
MyRocks, being a shitty implementation of a bad database for a terrible RDBMS, is of course something Facebook badly needed to integrate into their platform immediately. The speaker brags about achieving during the transition the kind of stability that would be expected as a baseline from any other RDBMS.

Open Document Editors

The Office Pokémon GO IV Calculator
Games, Fun, and Hacks with OpenOffice/LibreOffice

In case you thought that LibreOffice developers were sad nerds with wannabe-enterprisey delusions, overcome with a desire to do literally anything to seem interesting to healthier human beings: you are correct.

LibreOffice UI Concept
A personal, user friendly and flexible interface

More interface bikeshedding because people have grown used to MS Office's 'ribbon' thing and now get angry when it's not in LibreOffice.

How to make life easier for beginners
Contextual groups in LibreOffice' Notebookbar

Because there are so many buttons that it's hard to find the buttons, they're moving the buttons around again, but this time with fewer rules.

Make your LibreOffice extensions and macros rock
Defining user interface has never been easier

LibreOffice ports everything to Glade, which nobody has used for ten years.

Interoperability regression testing in LibreOffice
A developer explains the phenomenal amount of work that goes into making sure LibreOffice slightly fucks up all your formatting at every opportunity.

LibreOffice Online Debugging
As soon as someone decides to use LibreOffice webshit, it will immediately explode, but this guy's ready to figure out why.

LibreOffice XML Help in your local browser
Bringing 2017 to LibreOffice Help

An asshole works on removing the integrated help system from LibreOffice because it doesn't support video or javascript. Guess where he's gonna move everything.

Extensions: Ugly Toupee or Hipster Hairdo?
Talk description not found, exactly like the point of extensions in LibreOffice.

Cleaning up the spellcheck dictionary
And making it faster and more maintainable

Probably the absolute easiest part of any word processor, now available as a documentary.

Office Basic Source Code Management
OpenOffice/LibreOffice Basic Development with 3rd-Party Editors, Version Control and Cloud Storage Backup

If you spend your life writing Excel macros in an Excel clone, you might care about this crap. The rest of us can merely pause to enjoy the irony that someone went to all this work so they could use a text editor that didn't come with their word processor.

LibreOffice and your IDE
gbuild, json and other buzzwords

Why spend your time developing software when you can spend your time developing software development software?

LibreOffice on Wayland via GTK3
Even the speaker found this talk too dull to describe.

DrawingLayer - Optimization & Implementation
See how we optimized drawinglayer performance with buffering and multi-threading, plus some architectural overview

We live in a world where people have to work on performance optimizations for word processors. This is the same industry developing autonomous cars. Good luck, world.

Exploiting Concurrency
How I stopped worrying and started threading ...

Again: your 2GHz processor is not fast enough to run this word processor. It needs more than one.

Integrating LibreOffice Online via WOPI
The only thing better than a webshit word processor nobody uses is a webshit word processor nobody uses EVERYWHERE!

Introducing LibreOffice SafeMode
If your office software needs a 'safe mode,' perhaps you should take a moment to re-examine your software choices. Perhaps you should immediately stop using that office software forever, and use something that won't destroy your computer instead?

Enhance metafile importers - a restart
First steps in re-architecting our various metafile / svg importers into one

Well, thank god for this! I'm tired of having to figure out which part of my office software is crashing my computer. If it's all one importer, it'll be much easier to assign CVEs to all of the buffer overruns.

What the cell?!
Talk description not found, much like my interest in this entire devroom.

Tackling the LibreOffice update problem
Automated updates and update statistics

Here's our subtle warning: LibreOffice is going to start trying to track its users, in the name of harassing them into installing updates, whether the user cares or not. And they're getting the tech from Mozilla, who know user-tracking better than any other open-source project! Hooray?

The Document Foundation Development Dashboard
How LibreOffice is being developed

In the spirit of fairness, LibreOffice is also tracking its developers. This is much more efficient than treating them like humans.

The Document Foundation Development Dashboard: hands on
This is the same talk description, given by the same speaker, with a different title. They really take this OpenOffice/LibreOffice split to heart.

Lightning talk session Open Document Editors DevRoom
5 minutes each - come to submit until 30 minutes before, until we run out of slots

Sure, FOSDEM already has a lightning talks track. But fuck that NIH shit! We'll do it ourselves!

Open Game Development

Computer games – not as easy as it looks
Resume-building fluff from a non-participant.

Rapid prototyping of a backend for a geolocation-based mobile game with OpenResty, Redis and Docker
"Rapid prototyping" is only required when you forgot to have a design stage in your software.

WebCam based games
OpenCV in practice: example for developers and business

An idiot still thinks people want to interact with computers by waving their hands around. He offers to teach you how to make things like that.

Drawing based game design
Artists working hard to raise awareness about their art projects.

Living Orb
Tangible game console.

Someone hooked up a motion sensor to a Raspberry-Pi-like light-flashing platform.

0xFF
Drawing games for a DIY console

Yet another "game console" that consists of shitty hardware connected to shitty software, with its shittiness excused by being called "retro." No one is fooled; this just sucks.

openEMSstim
Open-source muscle stimulation for interactive experiences & games

Yes, this idiot would like you to electrocute yourself as a form of entertainment. No, I don't suggest you participate. Yes, I'm positive this talk will be overflowing with people eager to electrocute themselves. Yes, they are idiots.

Creating GPL'ed multimedia assets
That guy from before who wanted you to GPL your makefiles also wants you to GPL your pictures and sound.

Can open source open minds?
Lessons learned making games about diversity for the IncLudo project

This kind of shit is pretty revolting. Of course increased diversity is much to be desired, but setting up some kind of god damn money pit is not the way to do it. Rather than reaching into the industry and working with established parties to further their mission, they're striking out on their own and maximizing their buzzword potential. This enhances the grant flow, but it lessens the impact, and silos their work.

Presentation of Hellink, an educational game about Open Data
Creating a "real" game to raise awareness among students

See, this is what I mean. These people had an idea and instead of founding a fucking Institute and spreading out their Impact Factor, they hired some fucking game developers and made a goddamn game. Take notes, previous talk.

Tablexia
Cognitive Training for Children with Dyslexia

That's great, but it doesn't appear to be open source. What the hell is it doing *here*?

Hero.Coli, learning synthetic biology by playing: an update
Open Source, Open Data, Open Science

Entry #5,193 in Educational Games Hell. No source code available. Open what, exactly?

Snap! Build Your Own Blocks
Interactive visual programming

Webshit to clone Scratch.

Polymorph
A libre game engine based on Ogre3D and Puredata

Brand-new project, unknown if it will even survive -- but props for using mercurial instead of fucking github.

Creating a game with Monogame and other open source software
Yeah, *that* Mono. We're still pretending C# is open source, I guess.

Escoria, a libre point'n'click framework using Godot Engine
"Oh, it looks just like SCUMM!" -- Tim Schafer

Just what we needed! Yet another finicky runtime that probably doesn't work on anything but Ubuntu!

Open Media

Open Media devroom introduction
HELLO WE DO NOT SOFTWARE! LOOK AT PICTURE PLEASE

Celebrating 10 years of Open Source Innovation in Online Video
Marking 10 years for the Open Source Video Platform - What's been done, what's next?

This is a sales talk.

Open Source Support for TTML Subtitles
Status Quo and Outlook

It would be nice if anyone relevant used this, but they don't, so this talk is mostly worthless, except for the link to the European Broadcasting Union's Timed Titles project, which they have named EBU-TT. Hahah.

What's new in GStreamer land
The last 2 years and the future

No mention of the horrible security vulnerabilities that keep popping up as a result of gstreamer's whorish acceptance of any code spurted at its repository.

GPAC: delivery of VR/360 videos using Tiles
More wannabe-VR crap you can safely ignore forever.

Overview of Upipe modules for broadcast professionals
This talk will be standing room only; every single broadcast professional in Europe will be here.

Media Analysis tools
How we check media files

"Poorly," says MediaArea founder and technical lead Jérôme Martinez, "and with very low accuracy."

Dissecting media file formats with Kaitai Struct
A hex editor on steroids.

AV1: Status update
Progress, expected features and encoding gains

A VP9 fork continues to be irrelevant.

AES67
Open Media Standard for Pro-Audio Networks

Here's the traditional "oh my god what about jitter" crew, back to show you how they use RTP to stream audio.

AES70
Open Control Standard for Pro-Audio Networks

Same shit but for switches and knobs.

Open Media devroom wrap-up
What's next?

Shame, retreat, denial.

PostgreSQL

Beyond Trust - PostgreSQL Client Authentication
SSL and Kerberos, just like literally everything else. NEXT

Tour de Data Types: VARCHAR2 or CHAR(255)?
The above question, while trivial and uninteresting to most people, is actually just a representative sample of several similarly trivial and uninteresting questions which will be addressed in this trivial and uninteresting talk.

Replication & Recovery in PostgreSQL 10.0
"Important information for anyone running replication or backup." Not important enough to link to anything. Just come to the talk.

Evolution of Fault Tolerance in PostgreSQL
This is simple. In the beginning, there was no fault tolerance. After many years and a lot of hard work, developers successfully implemented a new kind of fault tolerance: none. Today, there is still no fault tolerance, but there's a shitload of code you can shove in front of, behind, and all around PostgreSQL to fake it.

Infrastructure Monitoring with Postgres
When all you have is a PostgreSQL, all your data looks like nails. Nails fired into a toilet door with a broken nailgun by a drunken idiot. But hey, at least you only have to learn one database!

An overview of PostgreSQL's backup, archiving and replication
Complaining that the PostgreSQL documentation is just too darn thorough, the speaker offers to helpfully obfuscate the topic and introduce uncertainty where there was none before. With luck, he will also leave out important details, hand out rank misinformation, and then tell the audience they should have just read the documentation.

Real Time Communications

Tensor Processing and Machine Learning for Signal Processing
Functional Algorithm Definition and Concurrent Automation

GNU Radio, bored sitting alone in a corner totally unused, decides to experiment with machine learning. Nothing happens.

Ruby

Welcome to the Ruby Devroom 2017
Everyone in this room is old.

concurrent-ruby modern tools explained
This is a sales pitch for the author's embarassing garbage, which requires a version of Ruby newer than that installed on most computers in the world, and doesn't seem to actually do much for the user.

A People's History of the Ruby Garbage Collector
Ruby GC from 1.8 until 2.4 and beyond!

Ruby has had five different garbage collectors in the past few years. None of them cured it of its fatal flaw (being Ruby) and none of them will make this talk interesting at all to anyone.

Leverging Rust to Build a Windows friendly ecosystem for mruby
The Rust Evangelism Strike Force deploys shock troops deep into Ruby territory, confusing the natives with offers of Rust-base API translation.

JRuby in 2017: Rails 5, Ruby 2.4, Performance
We'll survey the work going on to make JRuby more compatible and faster in 2017

I don't know what kind of psychopath deliberately chooses to interact with Java, Ruby, and Rails at the same time, but it's probably not a coincidence that the speaker's name is listed as "Nutter."

What makes JRuby+Truffle run Optcarrot 9 times faster than MRI?
Who cares? I can't even be bothered to read far enough into the talk description to see if he defines any of these ridiculous names.

Highly Surmountable Challenges in Ruby+OMR JIT Compilation
Any challenge involving Ruby is easily surmountable: stop fucking using Ruby. There was never a reason to use Ruby; you're only doing it because you're an idiot. Stop it.

Scientific Computing on JRuby
The trick reported by the speaker is "stop using Ruby." He says things get way faster when you use Java instead! Good news: actual scientists do not use this garbage anyway.

DIY: Home monitoring with Ruby & Pi
The speaker develops software for his light-flashing platform that will flash lights if his house catches fire.

SDN and NFV

The emergence of open-source 4G/5G ecosystems
A sales talk for the speaker's university grant-funding cash cow.

switchdev: the Linux switching framework
Running a mainline kernel on network gear

Reverse engineering hardware support that nobody asked for.

Accelerating TCP with TLDK
Overview of the architecture and implementation of TLDK

Intel. Presumably so their Omnipath shit doesn't suffer from Aries Shitty TCP Syndrome.

Writing a functional DPDK application from scratch
Intel again! Nobody else actually gives a shit about DPDK.

eBPF and XDP walkthrough and recent updates
At this point in the devroom, corporate control is handed over from Intel to Cisco, who proceeds to talk about shit only Cisco cares about.

Cilium - BPF & XDP for containers
This is Go shit that smells especially Googly, even though the speaker's name is not divulged and Google seems curiously hands-off on the project itself. It probably violates some ridiculous patent that Google doesn't want to fight about.

Stateful packet processing with eBPF: an implementation of OpenState interface
An especially shitty idea: keeping all network packet state in an in-kernel bytecode program loaded from userspace. What could possibly go wrong?

Getting Started with OpenDaylight
Java shit for software-defined networking! Next year's talk will be a smashing success: "Getting the Fuck Away from OpenDaylight"

Open-Source BGP networking with OpenDaylight
using OpenDaylight to enable advanced BGP use-cases

BGP is such a simple protocol that I can't imagine the fuckwittery required to deliberately involve a gigantic Java mess.

FastDataStacks
A fast and flexible platform for high performance applications using FD.io

Shoving like four different organizational platforms into Openstack and hoping the Jenkins install doesn't fall over: the talk

PNDA.io: Big Data Platform
Open Source

Network analytics software sales pitch.

When configuration management meet SDN
Ansible, a particularly bad configuration management tool, is singularly ill-suited for managing software-defined networks. Here's how to do it anyway!

What do you mean ’SDN’ on traditional routers?
Yeah, turns out Cisco has been doing this shit a long time. Not sure what this has to do with open source, but whatever.

Software Defined Radio

Intro to the Software Defined Radio Track
This introductory talk is twice as long as any other introductory talk. I don't know why.

DARPA's Hackfest Review
Why is DARPA hosting a hackfest? Why are they doing it in Brussels? What the fuck is going on over there?

GNU Radio Project Intro & Update
manipulating one of the four fundamental forces of the universe

I didn't know copyright law was one of the four fundamental forces of the universe. I guess the other three are emacs, C++, and fatness.

SDR, Ham Radio and the Debian Hams project
Turn-key solutions for hams using Debian packages

This goddamn talk description keeps saying 'ham' and 'ham blend' and now I want a sandwich

From 0 to 6 GHz in 30 minutes: Bootstrapping your SDR experience
Start from scratch today, hack the EM spectrum tomorrow!

Yep, another GNU Radio sales pitch.

SDR Panel: Which are the top 3 challenges for free software radio?
An interactive session. Let's talk about SDR!

All three challenges are GNU Radio. I hope one day it can be overcome.

Understanding JESD204B
High-speed inter-device data transfers for SDR

Actual technical content at a technical conference? The speaker will be ridden out of town on a rail and forced to live in exile.

FPGAs in SDR -- Why, when, and how to use them (with RFNoC)
Taming digital hardware for software radio

Not the first FOSDEM talk with a corporate logo attached to it, but definitely the most useless FOSDEM talk with a corporate logo attached to it.

GPU-Enabled Polyphase Filterbanks
Everyday I'm Shuffling

Interestingly, the entire content of this talk is just pasted into the talk description, complete with bibliography. Less interesting: the topic of the talk.

Receiving Wireless Mobile Traffic Lights
This dude is honestly concerned about the security of temporary traffic lights.

SatNOGS: An SDR-based Satellite Networked Open Ground Station
Some nerds use a light-flashing computer to flash radio signals.

gr-inspector
A Signal Analysis Toolbox for GNU Radio

A grad student is paid to develop software to detect signals. He forgets to mention why.

Networked-Signal Processing in OAI
Same grant-money funnel as described in the opening talk of the SDN devroom.

Virtual multi-antenna arrays for estimating the bearing of radio transmitters
You know how you can triangulate on a signal source if you take readings from a few different locations? This guy likes that plan, but he wants it to be way, way more complicated, because he is an academic.

Monitoring the ionosphere altitude variation with a sound card
software defined radio processing of DCF-77 signals

Find a clock signal, receive it, process out original signal, calculate time of flight: measure altitude of ionosphere. Simple, yes, but it's also a hell of a lot more work than it needs to be!

Valgrind

A dozen years of Memcheck: looking backwards and looking forwards
Memcheck: the quickest way to feel like you're helping without having to read anyone's code.

sparcv9: new architecture to be supported by Valgrind
Finally!

Valgrind, the anti-Alzheimer pill for your memory problems
This appears to be a 'how to use Valgrind' talk but the description is too incoherent to be sure.

fortification vs memcheck
Making gcc/glibc fortification and valgrind memcheck work better together

Simple! Turn on FORTIFY_SOURCE and throw Valgrind in the trash. Done!

Successful and not (yet?) successful optimisations in Valgrind
Who is this talk for? People interested in currently-ongoing performance ricing which will probably be upstreamed and forgotten about next month? Who sees this and says "hell yeah, lock me in a room with THAT for half an hour!"

VEX: where next for Valgrind's dynamic instrumentation infrastructure?
After a couple-hour break from his Memcheck retrospective, this speaker returns to demand the audience tell him what to do to fix his old code.

Binary analysis with angr
Using VEX for static analysis

In an awkward turn of events, this speaker describes the ways in which he forked and fixed the previous speaker's old code. I predict angry staring from the back of the room.

Valgrind BoF and Hackaton
Open discussion of ideas for Valgrind - and then we hack!

Red Hat says: keep shitting out that free code, citizens! We're counting on you!

Virtualisation and IaaS

Managing container infrastructure
A Red Hat employee pretends anyone wants to use Openshift.

modular VDEplug: switchless switching networks (and libslirp)
VDEplug now supports plugins... including slirp

Whatever the fuck VDEplug is, it can use different kinds of virtual networks now.

Live patching the Xen Project hypervisor
Citrix wants you to know that you can 'live patch' Xen. Why that is preferable to just moving the Xen instance to another host, patching, and moving it back is not explained.

The next generation: Certainty in shared storage environments
Another Red Hat employee shows up, this time pretending anyone wants to use oVirt garbage.

Pet-VMs and Containers united?
More Red Hat, doing more stupid shit like trying to crossbreed oVirt and Kubernetes.

QEMU: internal APIs and conflicting world views
How abstractions inside QEMU (don't) work together

The Red Hat festival continues, this time trying to make QEMU development less scary to unpaid open source developers so that Red Hat doesn't have to pay for so much open source development.

Network Block Device
how, what, why

NBD is an NIH alternative to AoE or iSCSI. The project maintainer is here to shill for it.

Adventures in Building Unikernel Clouds
r a Crash Course in Building L2-L7 from Scratch

A "unikernel" is when you have just enough shit in your OS image to run your program. This is obviously completely retarded, which is presumably why this guy (who founded a business hosting such programs) has to go to conferences and give talks about how to do it. Left to their own devices, it's unlikely anyone would want to try.

Improving your virtualization development workflow with Lago
Lago is to oVirt what Vagrant is to VirtualBox. Yep. Red Hat.

20 years of Linux Virtual Memory: from simple server workloads to cloud virtualization
This Guy's Career: a Red Hat Retrospective

VM: Hey VM, can I share a host with you?
Affinity rules in a virtual cluster

The Red Hat Tribute to oVirt continues, this time about solving bad systems administration with software! How refreshing!

Using NVDIMM under KVM
Applications of persistent memory in virtualization

A Red Hat engineer discusses how nonvolatile memory enables them to do all kinds of wonderful new shit that they could have been doing all along with regular hard drives.

OpenStack with Machine Containers
Replacing VM's with Fast and Secure Machine Containers

A little after 6 pm, in a shocking twist, an Ubuntu developer wrests control away from the Red Hat mafia! Not only does the heretic not talk about oVirt, he suggests using Openstack to run containers! He is quickly escorted out in protective custody by Red Hat security guards.

Towards a HVM-like Dom0 for Xen
reducing the OS burden while taking advantage of new hardware features

All that distraction allows another interloper to grab the mic: a Xen developer! And the bastard works on FreeBSD, which Red Hat doesn't even sell! SEIZE HIM