FOSDEM 2015: more boring shit
Let's take a look at my annotated copy of the FOSDEM 2015 main talk schedule, shall we?
Some random nobody wants you to know you cannot trust programmers if they have jobs.
Back to the helpdesk, attendees!
Remember the "service-oriented architecture" buzzwords? So do they, and they'd like to make C more like Java. And not just ANY java, but Glassfish.
Hilariously, this talk's description is blank; it may as well be titled "The Future of Rust."
A math nerd incrementally improves well-understood math software, and the resulting talk is put in the "Languages" section as filler. It doesn't matter which section it goes in, because nobody cares or will attend.
2015 IS THE YEAR OF PERL 6 ON THE DESKTOP!!!! Perl programmers don't want it, but haskell kids are glad to finally have a REPL that is fully portable (runs on both Ubuntu AND Arch).
JIT JIT JIT JIT JIT JIT JIT CACHE MISSES JIT JIT JIT JIT JIT JIT JIT BLLBLBLBLBLBLBLBBLBL
CERN spent shitloads of money reimplementing perftools; researchers attempt to justify further grant requests by waving 64-bit ARM chips around and waggling their eyebrows.
This talk is the reason FOSDEM does not use an optimizing conference scheduler (in early experiments the optimizer kept canceling this guy's plane tickets).
Red Hat seriously really actually wants you guys to take systemtap seriously. It's a really great tool for where are you going please come back we're so lonely
I do want to make fun of this guy, but the talk description is so incredibly boring that I have no idea what he's on about. Sorry. Also: did this talk actually require three goddamn titles?
Honestly, what is it with this multi-line talk naming trend? What actual value does the half-assed "clever" subtitle give anyone? Name your talks what you're talking about and get on with obsessing about how your PTP hobby is so much better than NTP (side note: who cares)
See? This is a well-titled talk. It's concise, and it describes exactly what the speaker will discuss. With a title like this, I can tell at a glance that this is some heartbreakingly dull bullshit that I will care about in the event that it matters ever.
Poul-Henning Kamp apparently got sick of installing ntpd patches, and I guess didn't like openntpd for some reason, so he's rolling his own. See how interesting computer time issues are?
Direct quote: "most current timestamps don't have enough information in them to be useful, and they don't 'age well'"... I would attend this talk just to discover what horrible decisions this man has made in his life that led him to write a speech about it. It's a timestamp, man. We got this.
Another shitty two-line title, this time about GNU/Scantron.
Some bullshit about XML and "borrows extensively from TeX." You can identify people who are bad at TeX because they spend all their time overriding TeX's layout output; someone apparently got sick of doing that and made a typesetting system only a micromanaging bureaucrat could love.
Lua shit for idiots.
RISC fanboys get mad that the Raspberry PI is not RISC-V. They design a logo and some vaporware CPUs.
"softcore" is used here not to mean "boring porn" but instead to mean "a computer that you can put on an fpga but is not worth actually making."
This is the software you use to draw the shitty products you will make into fragile, creaky reality with your overpriced 3d printer.
Some confused computer nerds are convinced that security problems come from bad CPU design instead of shitty programming. "Heartbleed" is namedropped to make the research seem interesting or relevant, but it doesn't work.
Apparently these speakers are paid per word of talk title. Also, they would like you to care about FIPS 202 for free.
The Creative Commons assholes present an absolute onslaught of super shitty software and services to enable DeviantArt users and Tumblr users to FINALLY ascertain who stole whose Downton Abbey/Clockwork Orange erotic crossover .gif collection.
The first hypothetical talk in FOSDEM; the speakers discuss an alternate universe wherein Firefox isn't an embarassing failure of The CADT Development Model and money-grubbing Silicon Valley jerkoffmanship.
Five-year anniversary bonus: Lightning Talks
HI GUYS LET'S [clock buzzer]
- To hell with people who don't use Android
- Pamphlets are hard
- How to build an app people will be filtering out of F-Droid for years
- Custom text widgets so Claris[st]a can update her name in realtime
- We need access to your GPS location so we can avoid you easier
Does not include spellcheck.
The ad blockers block the ads. They do this by identifying the ads, and then blocking them. In this manner, adblockers block the ads.
The subtitle was "why you should consider suicide over PHP" but that topic kind of speaks for itself
From the Very Literal Subtitle department: attending this talk means you will actually physically be facing toward an open-source spanner.
GCompris is the educational software equivalent of those film strips that never synced up to the audio but the teachers made you watch them anyway because they had a friend on the production team.
"Otherwise, we might accidentally include a feature they want, or leave useful functionality in place!
push-enabled... battery friendly... Android... XML parsing.
Yet another VoIP over HTTP solution only twelve idiots will ever use.
damn man I ask for A Real-Time Framework for Peer-to-peer Group Editing on Arbitrary Data Types every christmas and my parents just keep buying me socks
Fortunately, you only need to make twelve (see above)
The problem with my current AVR toolkit is that I don't have to upload everything to someone else's server.
Has three reserved words: WAITFORIT, OKGOQUICKNOWNOW, and SHITYOUMISSEDITHOLDON
so, you just throw a PCB, or
AKA "The disadvantages of Linus only ever installing one C compiler"
I'll show you an unexpected place to shove your D-Tra-- oh, you're way ahead of me
Yes, automate code review. That's 100% not totally against the whole idea, moron.
Hooray, a language-specific package manager. This is fresh and exciting
How to create your own backend-compatible backend
Let's take IMAP, keep all the shitty parts, wrap it in JSON, and format the specification in the manner of a middle-school book review! click here to sign up for my newsletter (currently down)
FINALLY blind people can use email. weird how nobody's ever worked on this before
Bringing democracy and accountability to mom's basements everywhere
the only thing better than chatting with people you can't authenticate is making direct connections to their computers to do it
Home Depot sells a kit to improve key signing parties. It's a CLOSED sign and some nails
I AM CAPTAIN JOYENT PICARD OF THE USS ENTERPRISE-GRADE, FLAGSHIP OF THE UNITED FEDERATION OF DEVOPS [fart noise]
"walls, floor, ceiling, air conditioning, some wires and shit -- and as usual, the CTO is soloing. I mean like existentially"
Now taking bets on how much febreeze is involved
"we're too cheap to buy red hat support -- use this unsupportable garbage to make up for it"
Speak friend and despair
There is like a 100% chance that this project will rename itself when the sheltered Eurocrackers behind it are told what "nog" means and how offensive it is (trigger warning: computer nerds are clueless)
Drugs. Drugs drugs drugs bitcoin, drugs drugs kiddie porn bitcoin bitcoin.
Unfortunately, this lightning talk ended before the dork could finish saying the title.
Putting your life in the hands of some incompetent Belgian fop
not a mis-paste. it took them EIGHT YEARS to learn how to keep track of their shit.
programming is hard, let's obsess about the commit logs
Their starter pack is eight hundred euros.
Past: small success. Present: failed rebranding. Future: getting run out of town on rails by a sea of $10 android chromecast sticks